Cognitive Dissent

NRA-Assisted Suicide Like Jesus Is Just #AltRight

Gun control has never worked in America because Americans are addicted to machines that provide leverage or entertainment, no matter how dire the consequences of owning or operating those machines turn out to be. Take the Internet.

Oh, yeah, I see you already have.

Most people have absolutely no need for a weapon of individual destruction, but many still argue that the Second Amendment gives every American — no matter how stupid, how inept, how narcissistic, how cruel — the right to own even weapons of mass destruction, like the AR15, which, after all, is a military grade weapon capable of mowing down entire families of fleeing refugees in less time than it takes to shake the last drops off your pecker after a leak.

So why is there any debate on whether to remove these weapons from our streets?

Because our nation of miserable fucks is addicted to poopadoodle, which is the word pataphysicians use to describe American politics. There is a direct link between a poopadoodler’s promoting the need for public debate on any topic and his or her need to privately masturbate over those same topics and many others too exciting to discuss on this family oriented blog.

The reason Americans put up with more than 40,000 gun deaths a year in the name of freedumbocracy has nothing to do with the Second Amendment or freedom. It has to do with the supply-side urinomics model and our insane prejudice against rational solutions to fixable problems. Americans are believers, not thinkers. The problem with belief is that it denies empirical evidence because it relies on magical thinking, which is another term for what white people call American “history."

We can’t do anything about gun control, because restricting access to firearms would cost too many good-paying jobs and would harm the greatest economy the world has ever known, which is bullshit, of course. Jobs disappear every day and are replaced by other jobs or by more efficient and reliable machines. The American worker has proven itself to be a high maintenance, low reward commodity to the one tenth of one percent of the population that owns the rest of us working on their plantations.

Weapons produced for the domestic market are actually a small portion of the actual output of arms makers who sell their best stuff to foreigners fighting wars we started to sell other products. That’s how capitalism works. The plantation owners no longer have to kidnap foreigners to do labor. They simply hire the un- and under-educated offspring of people who used to believe in the American Dream, but now believe that someone else from over there or in outer space is trying to take it away from them.

Another reason we can’t do anything about gun control is that we’re running out of time by not doing anything about manmade climate change, which is likely to make most of the economic, political, religious, technological, and social systems we rely on totally obsolete within 50 to 100 years. Why are we not working on climate change? Because we have an opioid epidemic caused by another bug in the capitalism machine in the pharmaceutical sector that we can’t work on because of major problems with the healthcare delivery system that we can’t work on because of the partisan divide over whether to fund abortions that we can’t work on because we need more unwanted children to feed into the prison industrial complex, which was envisioned by the founding fathers as the only thing that makes America great, at least according to strict constitutional constructists.

So to sum up: solving problems costs too much and takes too much time, so shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and watch some fucking TV, preferably Fox News.

But what if we tried a different approach and tried to solve even one small part of the hundreds of solvable problems we don’t have the courage and stamina to tackle?

What if we looked at the gun violence problem, and instead of focusing on the guns and angry idiots who use them, we looked at controlling the really dangerous part of gun culture: the ammunition?

Do you realize that even a Browning automatic rifle would be no more dangerous to the average American school child than a sledgehammer, if it had no bullets? 

It’s true.

Without bullets, well-intentioned assholes wouldn’t be wasting energy trying to keep the news media from not mentioning the names of Tashfeen Malik, James Holmes, John Hinckley, Dylan Roof, Omar Mateen, Eric Harris, Adam Lanza, Patrick Sherrill, Nidal Malik Hasan, Ian Long, Nickolas Cruz, Robert Bowers, Syed Rizwan Farook, Robert Gregory Bowers, Kip Kinkle,  Jarrod Ramos, Howard Unruh, Stephen Paddock, Seung-Hui Cho, Devin Patrick Kelley, Dylan Klebold,  James Huberty, or Charles Whitman because those assholes wouldn’t have slaughtered a few hundred people and sold millions of papers and magazines and advertising to line the pockets of rich white fucks on radio and TV.

Without bullets, gun collectors would be no more dangerous than the average arctophile, coleopterist, deltiologist, numismatist, philatelist, or tegestologist. They could still keep their guns and buy new ones. Without bullets, suddenly the weather or food carts would be the worst thing that would happen to you on the streets of Chicago.

“But Dr. Faustroll,“ I hear some of you saying, “how would such an uncommonly sensible solution to the constant bloodshed in our schools, churches  homes, shopping centers, and other places actually work?”

I’m glad you asked.

Let’s begin with the kinds of social engineering we used to get people to wear seat belts, to stop smoking, or to refrain from other harmful activities such as poisoning the environment and stopping priests from raping children by giving them Pornhub subscriptions.

We could treat gun violence as a sin and tax it like alcohol, recreational marijuana, and tobacco. We could use an existing agency to implement this program. It’s called the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and (Really, get ready for it, I’m not kidding) FIREARMS.

But as I’ve already said, there’s no need to control the firearms themselves if we focus on the most deadly aspect of weaponry: the bullets.

I propose making a single round of ammo for domestic use, regardless of caliber, a minimum of $50 during the initial implementation, with a planned increases until demand ceases. No exceptions for anyone: hunters, cops, military. If you want a bullet, you pay full price.

How would this minimum price be achieved? Through a combination of taxes, fees, and refundable deposits uniformly applied in all 50 states.

I propose a solution to gun violence that uses proven strategies like bottle bills and supply-side economic theory to make it too fucking expensive for murderous assholes to poke holes in people, places, and things with this simple three pronged approach.

  1. Establish a nationwide minimum per unit price for each round of ammo by caliber with a 22 bullet going for $10 a pop, pun intended. A 30 caliber round should go for $30-40. You should pay a minimum of $20 for a shotgun shell. Details can be worked out in conference between Demoblicans and Repugnicunts.
  2. Enact a nationwide surcharge, also tied to individual rounds, ranging from $10-50 depending on the kinds of injuries and slaughter to civilian targets observed during the previous five years in non-combat situations. This surcharge would be placed in a trust fund, similar to the Social Security, to be used for rehabilitation of gun violence survivors and to help the families of all those rotting bodies to damaged to resurrect.
  3. Require a $10 per round deposit across the board, regardless of ammo type, that can be redeemed by whoever brings a spent casing to a retail outlet that sells the piercing joy juice that ammosexuals crave. In addition to making firing off a burst even more prohibitively expensive, it can become a source of income for kids, the homeless, and others willing to clean up the carnage on our streets and the debris left in our national parks.


There it is in a nutshell, an uncommonly sensible suggestion from this cognitive dissident to our modern world of potential targets. Feel free to tweak it.

Makes more sense than putting everyone in body armor, although I’m sure the NRA and munitions makers would much prefer the latter, the scumbags.

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