Uncommonly sensible gun control suggestions

  1. Put a 5 buck deposit on individual units of ammunition. It works to keep idiots from tossing as many bottles and cans from their car windows as they used to, and the homeless would have an additional source of income, cleaning up after drive-bys and good old boy target outings in the woods.
  2. Require licenses and liability insurance for all gun owners and maintain an online database of all convicted gun criminals.
  3. Require church-based counselling with a written test prior to the issuance of a gun license.
  4. Require that all concealed weapons permits specify that weapons may only be concealed in organic orifices.
  5. Sterilize repeat gun crime offenders.
  6. Expand confiscation laws to include all property owned by or in trust for any repeat gun criminal.
  7. Punish egregious gun crimes by staging monster truck rallies where the heads of unrepentent gun addicts are used as wheel chocks.
  8. Remove the trigger fingers from the offspring of all gun criminals, and perform gene splicing on the DNA of all relatives to assure future offspring will have no limbs.
  9. Declare mass shooters who kill themselves wards of the state and turn their bodies into pet food.
  10. Expand criminal forfeiture laws to include the extended family of any mass shooter.
  11. Make law enforcement officers pay for their own weapons and ammunition.
  12. Encourage ordinary citizens to employ their own personal deterrent systems, including nerve agents, tactical nuclear hand grenades, particle beams, and venomous sarcasm.
  13. Bring on the bomb.
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