Good Fake Gnus

Although it is getting harder to parody the news, official disinformation, advertising, and governmental newspeak in the post-truth world of non-stop entertainment disguised as public discourse and sold to the same people who circle their shopping cards around the As Seen on TV display to discuss the finer points of displaying stuff on the coffee table, that doesn’t stop me from striving to get my first Pullputzer Prize nomination for writing about ideas so stupid that they just have to be true. 

Trump Hints at Withdrawal From Louisiana Purchase

From Stiff and Wired Reporters
Portland Pataphysical News Service

HOUSTON (PPNS) — During a mission of mercy to aid those displaced and devastated by flooding from Hurricane Harvey, a surprisingly presidential Donald Trump on Saturday told his private army of fake journalists that he wasn’t complaining about their coverage of the size of crowds who turn out to moon him wherever he goes.

“I’m not here to dwell on the past. I’m here to help these people have a good time. Let’s look on the bright side. Look at the size of this crowd. They could be moping at home, but they turned out to see my visit. Aren’t they fantastic?” the faux goose-down Comforter in Chief cajoled the assembled press whores. 

“Believe me,” the First Mobster continued, "This hurricane was a once in a millennial kind of event — I love the millennials, the young people, you know who I mean, and they love me, because I’m all about love — but don’t get me started on that bad deal with France we made to buy Louisiana, not today, because I’m this close to saying no to the whole she-bang. This close,” he frowned, shaking his blonde mane ever so slightly and holding up the thumb and index finger on his right hand as if he were rolling a presidential booger.

Some casual observers were stunned as America’s greatest president in history deftly pivoted from discussing the scope of the continuing natural disaster on the Gulf Coast to threatening to invalidate a transaction completed in 1803 that added more than 828,000 acres to the United States for a mere $15 million in cash and debt forgiveness by France, for less than $18 an acre.

The president brushed off criticism that Air Force One had accidentally landed on a small airstrip in Ding Dong, outside Killeen, Texas, several hundred miles from Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church where he and First Lady Melania were set to deliver crayons and coloring books to their Christian supporters.

Instead, the president, who in recent weeks has been plagued by low ratings and intense criticism from his own party, largely ignored flooding of biblical proportions and focused instead on his reputation as a deal maker, arguing that it was “time to take a good look at these so-called deals previous administrations have made with taxpayer money, many of which, I might add, are pretty egregious, you like that word? Egregious. That’s what I think of these egregious deals, and we’re gonna negotiate better ones.”

The president went on to argue that the current devastation of Houston proves his point. 

“Look at this mess,” Trump said, waving his arms as he stood on the steps of Air Force One, “Would you pay $15 million for a dump like this?”

“But sir,” interrupted Woodrow Guthrie, a disabled reporter for CCN, “Texas wasn’t part of the Louisiana Purchase. In fact, only half of Louisiana was even…”

“Get him out of here,” Trump demanded. “Get him the hell out!” as Secret Service wrestled the reporter to the ground and dragged him away to a waiting shipping container, as Stephen Miller, the president’s most trusted expert on American history, handed the alleged leader of the free world a small stack of index cards.

“And there are other deals that were just as bad,” Trump shouted, as reporters chanted: “Tell us more! Tell us more!”

Trump waited for the cheering to subside before reading a list of treaties and real estate transactions with Japan, Germany, Spain, England, Mexico, Denmark, the Republics of Texas and Hawaii, and Russia, all of whom had ceded territory to the U.S.

“Now that we’re finished getting rid all of Obama’s bad deals — believe me, we’re not done with Obamacare yet. It’ll be dead before you smell it — it’s time to get back to work making American great again. Have you looked at these deals? These were some very, very bad deals. Believe me. Mucho bad. And the American people elected me to get them the best deals, to save them money, to drain the swamp, to lock her up, and that’s what I’m going to do. So you let everyone out there know that America is no longer going to be the world’s whipping boy. From now on, it’s America First, Last, and everything’s on the table."

Trump went on to blast Democrats for obstructing his efforts to renegotiate America’s borders, arguing that the Louisiana Purchase price “was too damn high.” The purchase concluded by Thomas Jefferson in 1803 added more than 828,000 acres to the United States for a $15 million in cash and debt forgiveness by France, or “1000 times an acre more than it was worth,” according to Trump.

Critics of Trump’s plan to revisit every treaty since the 1800's note that it would remove the majority of his most ardent supporters from voter rolls and leave many of the most valuable areas of the country under foreign control.

Trump made his remarks to reporters a day after he spoke with South Korean President Moon Jae-in, asking him to intervene in his ongoing dispute with French President Emmanuel Macron who crushed several small bones in Trump’s right hand during a marathon handshaking session early this summer that ended with the U.S. president seeking medical attention.

© Faustroll, Ligi & Associates at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat, in conjunction with Rev. Darwin D. Grimm at The Church of the Oven of Peace. Providing imaginary cures for your imaginary ailments and imaginary solutions for your imaginary problems since 1986.
Accept no substitutes.

Pentagon discovers thousands of surprised troops in Afghanistan

Ben J. Dickarnault
Senior Mountebank
Official Prevarication Desk
Pataphysical News Agency

NORFOLK, VA (PNA) — During a routine examination of payroll records, forensic accountants at the Pentagon discovered 26,000 more troops were stationed in Afghanistan than previously thought. Apparently there was an accidental deployment on January 21, 2017 that was not properly encoded in the personnel procurement system, and lax oversight by former Obama employees fired on January 20, 2017 allowed the mistake go unnoticed until two middle school special education students discovered the discrepancies after a freedom of information request.

John “Wesley” Oliver and Carey “Nancy” Drew made the online request for information regarding historic deployment levels for America’s longest undeclared war to support their hypothesis that no one could believe the official government numbers because “everybody know the government is made up of professional prevaricators."

Oliver and Drew did not respond to our repeated texts asking for evidence to back up their fantastic claims.

At a hastily assembled press conference at the Pentagon’s 9/11 memorial shrubbery garden, US Marine Corps Lt. Gen. Kenneth “Spuds" McKenzie Jr. admitted to reporters that the total number of US forces in Afghanistan is rumored to be "in the neighborhood of 34,443," considerably more than the previously announced number of 8,400 when Barack Obama left office.

McKenzie said the slightly higher count is attributable to an accounting change with the Department of Defense now counting all troops deployed in-country and not just those who volunteered. According to unnamed military officials whose names you’d recognize immediately, the change is a routine part of the routine changes that are a part of rapidly evolving changes ordered by Secretary of Defense Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis.

"The Secretary commissioned a quick study after he decided to obfuscate our accounting methodology to improve the public's misunderstanding of America's firm and unwavering military commitment in Afghanistan,” said Under-Assistant Adjutant Pentagon Spokesperson Purity “Snow” White, reading from a soggy napkin.

White said the military is also obscuring how it miscounts troops in Syria and Iraq but declined to say whether that process is complete or ongoing. Unlike Afghanistan, the government in Baghdad already objects to the size of the US military presence, which makes under-reporting troop levels particularly troublesome.

The unexpected rise in troops levels in Afghanistan was welcomed by a leading Repugnicunt on the House Armed Services Committee. Chairman Rep. Marvin Thornberry applauded the president and Mattis “for putting their cards face up on the table.”

In  a statement postmarked Charlottesville, VA, Thornberry continued, "The Obama administration refused to shoot straight from the hip on how many people they sent to Afghanistan despite what we wanted, which added cost to the mission and made it harder to succeed. It is important to be up-front about the importance of the mission and what it takes to succeed, without breaking the bank and needing to raise taxes on job-creators," Thornberry said.

For thousands of years, the US military has always considered that 8,400 constituted what is called a "force management level” (FML) that reporters in the liberal could easily scribble in their notepads during news conferences and include in their state sanctioned reporting. Use of the FML continued during the previous administration, along with the existing obfuscation system. Military commanders were able to work around the cap by bringing in cheap contractors “off the books" for short periods, but it made the military less effective because it operated with incomplete units that lacked unit cohesion.

"Forces have been required to deploy that were not completely whole," McKenzie said. “Sometimes we had way more arms than legs. Other times it was reversed. Sometimes we got heads without bodies or bodies without heads. That’s no way to fight a never-ending war on terror."

According to an unnamed source, “Anyone with a functioning pre-frontal cortex has always understood that 8,400 was a ‘guesstimate' level, because troops are constantly getting wounded, captured, killed, replaced, retired, rehired, imprisoned, and the list goes on and on with troops and units overlapping as new ones arrive and old ones are bagged and sent home."

The discrepancy between publicly disclosed troop levels and the actual “stumps on the ground" was a much smaller percentage in Afghanistan when the procedures were first implemented because the number of US troops was more than 100,000.

MacKenzie insisted that the new accounting procedures were not tied to the increase in troops to follow completion of the South Asia Strategy Review President Donald Trump made up in a speech last week.

Although it is widely believed hundreds of thousands more troops will be disguised as military advisers and sent to Afghanistan as part of the Trump’s worsening hallucinations, McKenzie told reporters that General Mattis has not ordered any build up.

"No troops have started to flow, no decision has been made by the secretary, and the president may change his mind this afternoon on whether he wants to fight terrorism in Afghanistan or on the streets of Chicago," McKenzie said.

US forces in Afghanistan have two competing missions. The majority are assigned to the NATO mission to train and advise Afghan security forces alongside approximately 6,000 troops from other NATO countries. The remainder of US forces in Afghanistan carry out covert missions in the country in support of prolonging the war and sell munitions.

© Faustroll, Ligi & associates at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat, in conjunction with Rev. Darwin D. Grimm at The Church of the Oven of Peace.Providing imaginary cures for your imaginary ailments and imaginary solutions for your imaginary problems since 1986. Accept no substitutes.

©1946-2018 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates, in conjunction with The Portland Physical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat and The Church of the Oven of Peace.
Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Problems Since 1896. Accept No Substitutes.