Come for the offensive, stay for the invective

To go along with George Carlin’s routine on the seven forbidden words I frequently employ to offend polite company, I also like to invoke the spirit of Lenny Bruce’s Lone Ranger routine and his brilliant defense of insensitivity as a way to defuse the evil in the hearts of men and women. This post, which apparently was supposed to have a companion piece that I have yet to uncover, would not be proper in our current era of political ineptness.

Hi, ho, Fubar! The Lone Decider dry-humps Mrs. Malaprop again!

Published by drfaustroll at 2:10 pm under Insignificant dingalings, Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phynality, Poopadoodle, SEO, Second Amendment Roll of Humour, Sedition, Sit down tragedy work
May 29, 2009

Hours before crossing the border into Canada to join serial kneepad bestower Bill Clinton in the Conversation on Conservation and avoid bounty hunters hired by Hamas, Hezbollah, and The World Court in The Hague, the former First Idiot of the Untied States of the NOMF™ told The Economic Club of Southwestern Michigan at Lake Michigan College that what he misses most about no longer being the Decider in Chief is not being able to meet with the relatives and friends of “them fallen ones who stratified their lives for me and my country. Meetings such as them has in some ways made me hard and in some ways they was verily push up lifting.”

Another of the things Bush misses since leaving the White House is that so-called journalists now occasionally report exactly what he said instead of what they wished or imagined he had said.

Referring to the 9/11 attacks that resurrected his post-inebriation political career and turned him into the planet’s most powerful developmentally disabled leader after nine months of ignoring the duties of his office while engaging in one of the most grueling vacation schedules “since the crucification of Jesus of Nasaldrip in Christenbaum,” Bush described the days following the events that changed absolutely nothing in terms that evoked a visit to Disneyland or some other amusement park and endeared him to the kinds of people the planet really has no use for.

“It was such a roller coaster opportunity of mixed emotionals, it really was. One minute I was learning to read about goats with a bunch of little black kids who’d never been to Texas, and the next minute I was a War President getting flown to a bunker at a dental floss farm in Montana. I think about it now at times without getting sick,” Bush smirked, “but I definitely thought about it every day on an empty stomach when I was your Decider.”

Bush declined to answer questions about whether the bunker in which he cowered was anywhere near Hardin, which is currently offering to take in Guantanamo detainees at a $27 million high security facility it built at the height of the prison-industrial complex boom during the Bush years. The prison has never been used and sits on land described in a Frank Zappa song.

Here’s a Dave Barry I swear I am not making this up moment. While researching this story, I came across an Associated Press story about the Hardin, Montana campaign to bring terrorists to the Big Sky of the NOMF heartland, and I realized that people up there in dental floss country have obviously been writing this blog.

How can I say that? Well, I’m no Elizabeth Barrett Browning, so I won’t count the ways, but doesn’t this bit about the second amendment yingyang ring any bells with you people? When I say you people, I’m not suggesting that my readers are all just niggers, spics, dagos, wetbacks, huks, japs, chinks, slopes, heinies, jews, ragheads, junglebunnies, or any of the other questionable people listed on this site. I’m just acknowledging that you people are not me, and in a court of law, assuming the world is actually governed by the rule of law, shit like that matters.

By the way, if I failed to include a pejorative for your particular ethnic, religious, sexual, cultural, national, or any other affiliation, please comment so I will be sure to not to offend you by excluding you from the groups I routinely offend in future posts. I wouldn’t dream of not offending anyone who really deserves it. I am willing to give humanity the benefit of the doubt that everyone really deserves derision.

I don’t know what made Matthew Brown write the following, but don’t these two paragraph inspire you to go back and examine the past couple of months of this unholy blog and its obsession with the second amendment daily body count and insignificant penises from sea to polluted sea?

"Notwithstanding the reputation of Montanans as Second Amendment-loving gun owners, they said that putting terrorists on Montana soil could invite attacks from the detainees' sympathizers.

"'These Gitmo guys, they're a scary bunch,'" said Sen. Jon Tester, a Democrat. "'You've got to realize what you're getting into.'"

Notwithstanding the reputation of Montanans as Second Amendment-loving gun owners, they said that putting terrorists on Montana soil could invite attacks from the detainees’ sympathizers.

“These Gitmo guys, they’re a scary bunch,” said Sen. Jon Tester, a Democrat. “You’ve got to realize what you’re getting into.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself if I gave a shit, which I don’t, but this quote seems uncannily close to another Zappa lyric about Christian fundamentalism and exactly what the meek are going to inherit.

To be continued…

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