Cognitive Dissent

Is it time yet for shamer shaming?

Has the whole world turned lapsed Catholic? Has Trumpism so firmly taken hold of our great NOMF™ that any unfiltered observation of something visible in the actual world must be condemned and the utterer attacked by mindless hordes of Demoblicans, Independpants, Lispetarians, Milletennials, Vibratogogues, and Republocraps? 

Generalizations are often helpful, people, in a world with several billion assholes — a goodly percentage of which are clearly malignant — strutting around with their teeth clenched and their culturally Zikified brains. 

This world is not a binary construct, and Zero the Hero is constantly overwhelmed by the cloyingly sanctimonious. There billions of shades of meaningless gray to confront the NOMF obsession with black and white, wrong and right, weakness and might, flight or fight.

I imagine that love crimes are at least as dangerous as hate crimes. Go ahead and shame me for being one of the other people. What does not kill me, makes me fart. Take a whiff on me.

Uncommonly sensible gun control suggestions

  1. Put a 5 buck deposit on individual units of ammunition. It works to keep idiots from tossing as many bottles and cans from their car windows as they used to, and the homeless would have an additional source of income, cleaning up after drive-bys and good old boy target outings in the woods.
  2. Require licenses and liability insurance for all gun owners and maintain an online database of all convicted gun criminals.
  3. Require church-based counselling with a written test prior to the issuance of a gun license.
  4. Require that all concealed weapons permits specify that weapons may only be concealed in organic orifices.
  5. Sterilize repeat gun crime offenders.
  6. Expand confiscation laws to include all property owned by or in trust for any repeat gun criminal.
  7. Punish egregious gun crimes by staging monster truck rallies where the heads of unrepentent gun addicts are used as wheel chocks.
  8. Remove the trigger fingers from the offspring of all gun criminals, and perform gene splicing on the DNA of all relatives to assure future offspring will have no limbs.
  9. Declare mass shooters who kill themselves wards of the state and turn their bodies into pet food.
  10. Expand criminal forfeiture laws to include the extended family of any mass shooter.
  11. Make law enforcement officers pay for their own weapons and ammunition.
  12. Encourage ordinary citizens to employ their own personal deterrent systems, including nerve agents, tactical nuclear hand grenades, particle beams, and venomous sarcasm.
  13. Bring on the bomb.

It’s beginning to sound like we like Auschwitz, every time we vote

Now that Trump has been twice chosen (first by the rubes in November and today by the rubes the earlier rubes hired to do their dirty work) and is soon to become our naked emperor, it appears that America is suddenly greater than ever once again, and the war on Christmas is over. At least I haven’t heard of a single skirmish between the godless and the immoral this consumer milking season, and the usual purveyors of delusion outrage are currently rolling around in the muck in politically orgasmic satisfaction, waiting for Obamacare to die.

Isn’t it great to know how many of your neighbors voted against your interests yet again? What else is the Christmas season all about if not getting high and saying God makes you do it?

My favorite Christmas movie is The Victors. I was a senior in high school when I saw it the first time with schoolmates and park buddies, a few of whom were to injured or killed several thousand miles from home in the coming years.

Two things still stick with me about the film more than 50 years later, the first being the ending, where an American soldier who looks like George Hamilton gets in a fight with a drunken Russian soldier who looks like a very young Albert Finney. The fight ends badly for them both. When the camera zooms out, you see their fallen bodies make a “V” on the ground in a landscape of rubble and ruin.

But the other thing I often think about in The Victors is the scene where a truckload of soldiers is commandeered to serve as witnesses to the execution of a deserter in a beautiful field of snow. While the soldier is marched out through the snow, Frank Sinatra sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Such a wonderful season deserves a wonderful execution.

And so Christmas wins again.

The libtard media still doesn’t get it

If you had read The One Minute President back when the country was run by the wife of a guy with mid-life Alzheimer’s, you would have been far better prepared when the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) of which you are a dutiful citizen underwhelmingly voted to put an illiterate toxic mango in the White House. 

The Russians didn’t influence the election. The idiot bastard portion of the electorate was simply more motivated to vote for their empty hairdo than the increasingly pathetic rational majority was to vote for the qualified pussy. After eight years of being unable to call a spade a spade, whitey couples too stupid to keep from expectorating racist bullshit on national TV while the liberal media humped each other in stupefied ecstasy finally got a leader that spoke their ugly little minds. And the media loved them for it.

Here’s the Introduction to that extraordinary guidebook to navigating the imaginary world of reprehensible demobcracy.

In early 1984, two American satirists decided to take on the burgeoning One Minute Industry by lampooning the One Minute Method's most regal example: the President of the United States. Their efforts were not widely applauded.

The original manuscript, completed in May, 1984, was rejected by more than two dozen American publishers before being purchased by Stroessner, Schultz, and Rilke (Munich), which, as it turns out, was a CIA front operation.

Manuscript versions of the work have circulated internationally for several years, and the book has garnered laudatory reviews in such forums as KrokodilLa PrensaAsh Shiraa, and Inside Joke. In fact, The One Minute President is now required reading at several prestigious universities, including American University (Beirut) and Moscow University (Idaho).

YOSSARIAN UNIVERSAL NEWS SERVICE feels it is time for the American people to have equal opportunity to master the management style the President feels has served him so well.

The One Minute President is not merely the stinging indictment of a system of government and thought so bereft of meaning and morality that even whales beach themselves on our shores to protest it.

No, it is much more than that. While we realize that the ideas and precepts embodied in these pages will never gain as wide an audience as the Pentateuch, we do believe that each and every American can benefit from the concepts that make up the One Minute Philosophy.

Now, more than ever, Americans need such knowledge and guidance to protect them from this awesome truth: Anybody can grow up to be President.

And that means not only you, but also that maniac across the street.

This book is for those who would pursue the Presidential dream.

We are convinced you will enjoy implementing what you learn from the One Minute President and that, as a consequence, you and the people who will vote and die for you will enjoy merrier, less stressful, and more economically feasible lives.

Paul Fericano, Ph.D.

Millbrae, CA

Elio Ligi, D.D., D.D.S.

Boring, OR


From the uncommonly sensible archives

Here are a few obnoxious observations about the state of the art stupidity that underpins the immorality at the heart of our nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™). The selections are random, like life itself. They will neither help you get to heaven or make your life any less meaningful while vertical. They simply strike me as a reminder that the NOMF didn’t suddenly become dumb and desperate enough to believe a president elect who makes P. T. Barnum look like a champion of the average Jill and Joe. No. We’ve been a fierce proud gaggle of douchebags and morons as long as I can remember.Soon, I will add comment functionality to allow blithering idiots to object to my continued existence and threaten the end of thereof. Isn’t life special?


This is a message for spreaders of freedomocracy and those who support them.

Isn't it great to live in a nation ruled by an idiot that you, or people who look and think a lot like you, regardless of your race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, educational opportunities exercised, oops-realizations of what that commitment to National Guard or Reserve status ended up slinging your buttocks in, elected? And are totally committed to keep in power? Because removing a dry-drunk mass-serial-killer from office for high crimes and misdemeanors — not to mention crimes against humanity — in this nation that so proudly follows the rule of law, would imply that the CEO of your company, his executive subordinates, and even the bumbling idiots in the middle management MCF you spend most of your life trying to cope with...where was I

Oh yeah. If this great nation can't impeach it's most capricious mass murderer because it would mean that Bill Clinton lying about getting a hum job from a political cocksucker educated at a conservative law school in a podunk state that embraces the Norm Frink theory of jurisprudence was not the worst thing that ever happened to this country, as Mitt Romney would have the NOMF agree to, who gives a fat rat's booty and John David's fart?

I don't. I don't vote. I find voting demeaning. I find this system of government by media, for media, and of media not much different from Andy Devine right. Pluck your magic twanger, froggy!

I was reading an Internet news article during the Christian Horrorday Week about words and phrases that only now are being identified as not worth using decades after most marginally intelligent people rejected them as newsspeak or geekspeak or managementspeak or liberal horse exhaust. Conservatives are idiots and easy to dismiss, but liberals are what make this damned disorder so ripe for bringing on the bomb.

That the list was prepared by Lake Superior State University in Michigan's Upper Peninsula only reinforced in me that nuking middle America has no downside. This is undoubtedly why al Qaeda went after the Edward R. Murrah building in Oklahoma City and pinned the deed on a decorated veteran of Gulf War I.

Google the whole sordid story yourself. I don't have time to waste on restating it. I'm writing for idiots who won't be born and socialized to the conviction that voting means something for 100,000 years. Go about your business. No one expects you to achieve anything, and no one will miss you after you quit trying. 

Happy New Year, assholes!

Originally Posted: Wednesday - January 02, 2008 at 11:56 AM   


Jorge Romberto Hummer Executive Necrophiliac Pataphysical Mugwump Sensoria 0208100003.A.9.111116 1702ET1635523652

NAJAF, Iraq (PMS) — Like a scene from a scary movie, bats poured from the crypts and the wind howled like a banshee. PFC Birdy Cronin fired off a burst as the ground gave way beneath his feet, plummeting him into a nest of gay Islamic zombies returned from Hell to feast upon the feeble brains of the latest crusaders to attempt to wrest this land from mighty Baal.

And the undead, an enemy older than civilized memory, have grown deadlier than ever, having learned how to use the latest technology to fight against the coalition forces sent to impose freedom upon this city of gravestones and mausoleums dating from before the illegimate birth of Christ.

In this futile battle to control the world’s remaining strategic graveyard, U.S. Marines and ordinary grunts claim they have the upper hand, but the tone is anything but confident. The ancient cemetery in Najaf is sacred to Shiite Muslims, perhaps 200 million of whom are rising from the dead throughout the desert surrounding the shrine of Imam Ali, mother-in-law of the prophet Muhammad. Imam Ali is considered by some to be the most powerful mother-in-law the planet has ever seen, capable of influencing weather patterns thousands of miles away, as evidenced by the twin hurricanes bearing down on Jeb Bush in Florida. 

Soldiers involved in the fighting are angry and bitter that they’ve been forced to battle the undead as part of the president’s never-ending reelection campaign. "We got wives, daughters, husbands," said Sgt. Samantha Reed Berg, 28, of the 1st Cavalry Division's 5th Regiment. "You know what it’s like living in fear that some zombie is going to jump out of one of these crypts and suck out your brain?” 

The sultry Texan shook her head, suggestively. "It just don't feel right sometimes.” 

"We feel bad that we're destroying their shit, that we're defecating on graves and such," added Specialist Toby Mott, 29, of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. "That's not what we want to do, but orders is orders, and the only way to stop them zombies is to shit in their nests.” 

What the besieged and dwindling U.S. force in southern Iraq wants to do, commanders say, is destroy the brain-eating Mahdi Army, an unholy militia of resurrected collateral damage loyal to Moqtada “Big Al” Sadr, the militant Shiite cleric who recently returned from a visit with God, rested and tan. The militia has stalked and picked off stragglers of the U.S.-led occupation force in Iraq since October, when a group of largely impoverished, disaffected young gay men were gunned down by a U.S. patrol in a Baghdad slum. Three days later, the young men had returned to life and attacked a foot patrol of Ohio reserve guardsmen, eating the brains of three of them. Retaliatory U.S. air strikes killed hundreds of zombie sympathizers who also arose from the dead, hungry for young American brains.

By April, entire battalions of gay and straight Islamic zombies were attacking coalition forces throughout southern Iraq, destroying much of the occupation's effort to establish security in Shiite-populated central and southern Iraq. 

The current eradication effort, which began Thursday with another ambush that turned into a brain devouring frenzy that left dozens of American troops nearly brainless, is billed by both sides as the final solution. 

Sadr this week told Iraq's interim government to fuck itself and vowed to fight to his last drop of blood, taking hundreds of Americans with him. Iraqi officials, who are closely watched and micromanaged by U.S. commanders of the 160,000 foreign troops in Iraq, said the Mahdi Undead Army threatens to spill over the borders and begin feasting on brains in Kuwait, Iran, Syria, and Jordan. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security has issued heightened warnings to key ports throughout the U.S. following rumors that Mahdi zombies had stowed away on Halliburton oil shipments.

To close observers, the signal that the final battle between good and evil was about to commence came when the Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani accepted an invitation from Michael Eisner to become a traveling attraction at various Disney World properties. Sistani, the senior Shiite cleric in Iraq and a longtime opponent of Sadr who is rumored to have died in 1995 during sex with an intern, could not be reached for comment.

"A lot of people think [Sistani’s absence is] the green light for us to do whatever shit we got to do to kill these damn zombies once and for all," said Maj. Gen. Sergeant Carpenter, chief petty reelection officer with the 11th Marine Expeditionary Unit, which has responsibility for Persian language campaign ads. 

"The people around here that is still living will tell you they want it to end," said Army Lt. Col. Sanders Hooper, battalion commander for the 1st Cavalry Division's 5th Septic Regiment, which brought several tankers full of shit from Baghdad on Thursday to reinforce the Marines. "The living folks is ready for this to be over, and if we don’t put an end to this zombie business pretty soon, we’re in a world of hurt.” 

On Tuesday, while senior commanders tried to determine the best system to deliver hundreds of thousands of cubic hectares of shit directly to the nests of the Mahdi zombies, battles between the brain eaters and their American fast food dinners raged on. U.S. armored vehicles crashed through mausoleums and plowed over centuries-old graves, while dozens of fighter jets, helicopter gunships and nerve-gas dispensing drones circled waiting for targets. When the vehicles attracted swarms of hungry zombies, spotters radioed the coordinates back to base.

"Looking for clearance to bring in the Reaper," a junior officer shouted across the noisy command center. A swarm of zombies had burst out of freshly dug grave, dragging several members of a patrol to the ground, tearing off their helmets and biting through their skulls. Unfortunately, the attack occurred so close to the shrine of Ali that permission to fire could come only from a senior officer, who had gone home for the day and had to be contacted by e-mail. By the time the order to fire arrived, the zombies had fully devoured the entire patrol and had retired to their underground sanctuary to drink strong black coffee and eat exotic sweets.

Hopper said 600 potential insurgents were killed in an inadvertent strike on subsidized housing by a Predator drone equipped with a Hellfire missile. By nightfall, all but a handful of the dead had taken up arms and joined the Mahdi zombie army. The sky over the city was darkened by smoke from a makeshift crematorium set up by coalition forces a few hundred feet from the shrine to burn the wounded before they died and joined the few bad apples in Najaf who are making life miserable for the freedom-loving police force and military and endangering the president’s chances for a second term. 

"There's nothing good that can come of any of this,” said an Army operations officer, explaining the possible outcomes of an air strike on the mosque or the continued pumping of shit into zombie nesting areas. "We win, we lose. We lose, we lose. We’re fucked big time, and we’re fucked forever in the big moment as well," an apparent reference to an obscure poem by Howard Nemerov.

Because the shrine was off-limits, planners of the final solution in Najaf made a decision to fight in the cemetery, and Marines pursued living fighters into it last Thursday morning only to be ambushed by a division of undead insurgents who ate more than 50 American brains during the Marines’ hasty, if tasty, retreat.

The battle for the graveyard went on for 96 hours, until the Marines withdrew to defensive positions as a result of unanticipated pressure from thousands of Mahdi zombies who refused to die even when shot through the head. In fact, severed limbs of the undead have massed in some areas and are slowly squirming across the shattered landscape, drawn by the desire to consume living brains.

Officially, the Marines say they lost two dead and killed more than 3,300 of Sadr’s militiamen. But some witnesses of the battle said the lopsided casualty count is wishful thinking.

"It was like New Orleans meets Baghdad," said one Army officer. 

The jumble of tombs, mausoleums and catacombs made it treacherous ground to fight on. Zombies and living fighters hid underground, overhead, and in the crypts, witnesses said. "Most of the time," said one, "it was like jungle warfare, only without the jungle, and with a bunch of flesh eating zombies, some of whom were fags. There’s nothing worse for a soldier than to have some zombie fag groping his crotch while trying to bite through his skull. And I bet it’s even worse for the chicks.” 

Soldiers said the insurgents showed signs of having grown increasingly hungry during the ceasefire, and more organized in their foraging activities. U.S. units had grown accustomed to disorganized, hit-and-run attacks by insurgents in Baghdad, and they were not prepared for coordinated attacks by dozens of zombies impervious to pain or death. 

"These people, if you can call them that, are damn near unstoppable," said 1st Lt. Don Siegel of the 1st Cavalry, who added that one mausoleum contained a digital home theatre system that showed zombie movies non-stop 24 hours a day.

"That place is awesome," said Lt. Gen. Travis Bickle, the 5th Regiment battalion commander whose troops recently joined reinforcements in Najaf. "I don't mean to give them too much credit, but they're good. They're really organicized. These guys really make us work to kill them, but in the end, they're dead. If they’d just stay that way."

Copyright © 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally Posted: Tuesday - August 10, 2004 at 07:43 PM          

Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Ailments Since 1896. © Elio Emiliano Ligi 1946-2017. Oil Rights Reserved. Accept no substitutes.