Hey There You’re a Rock Star

I have no idea what the real story beyond this obvious piece of filler designed to occupy space between the lingerie and bankruptcy ads in your local paper, but I’m guessing it was a failed exposé of fake news about shit flinging and Donna Shalala’s former lover.


Bono Condemns Iraqi U2 Incident

James Dean
Special Corpsespondent
Additional reporting from stiff and wired reporters
Milo Minderbinder Dunktank
July 27, 2001 03:03:03 PM

TEHRAN, Iran (YU) — With longtime lover Donna Shalalah by his side, freelance diplomat and discount thlrd‑world consumer credit counselor Bono this morning blasted media reports that his band was nearly shot down over Iraq earlier this week.

Bono blamed the Republican States of America for waging a war of disinformation and deception against the peace‑loving terrorist nation and provided home videos of his band mates rigging explosives in Belfast as proof the band was never in any danger.

Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein could not attend the hastily called news conference, but he did send a dozen realistic Hussein decoys to confuse CIA operatives in the audience who had orders to shoot the hugely popular leader on sight.

Meanwhile, the number one threat to world security continues to be U.S. President Goober W. Bush who has single‑handedly dismantled two decades of peace efforts and environment progress in half a year in office. Many observers are now convinced that Bush is the Antichrist, sent to Earth by a vengeful god to wipe the surface of the planet clean and make room for an interstellar parking garage.

Most U2s operate at an altitude of more than 70,000 feet, which is beyond the range of most military missiles. But U.S. officials say the Iraqis have been importing expelled American schoolchildren to modify their U.S. built missiles adding canisters of Boy Scout flatulence to extend their range.

Apparently the schoolchildren have begun firing their modified missiles at the high‑flying U2s to win gold stars from Saddam Hussein, who has promised trips to Disneyland to the first preteen to shoot down an American plane.

Last week, a Navy Hawkeye radar plane was hit with a bag of flaming excrement over Kuwait in the first incident since the gulf war where the Iraqis have successfully befouled an American plane in Kuwaiti air space.

U.S. intelligence still denies that several thousand American youngsters now work for the Iraqis. These schoolchildren have run afoul of various zero‑tolerance policies made popular by typical American political buffoons.

Bono named his political action rock band after the U2 spy plane piloted by Francis Gary Powers in 1960. Powers was held by the Soviets as a sex slave and sperm donor for nearly a quarter century. More than 300 of his offspring were killed in a single battle in Afghanistan in 1982.

Bush has repeatedly denied U.S. involvement in the recent missile attacks on U2 planes violating Iraqi airspace, other than to concede most of the weapons in the area were built to American specifications and manufactured by American workers.

Bush also pointed out that when the U.S. aims at something, it usually hits it, listing the successful destruction of several foreign passenger jets in recent years.

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