It’s amazing how wonderful the era of Fubar Ubu seems now, as the Orange Julius looms

Here’s some hard-hitting reportage that originally roiled the Ted Stevens Interwebs back when the AWOT was really popular and people knew who Timothy McVeigh was.


Pretzel Stocks Fall; Bush Bumbles On

WASHINGTON (PMS) – Telling a bankrupt nation struggling through the early stages of depression “I feel great,” President Bush began a two-day trip to the Midwest one day after he choked on a pretzel, passed out, fell out of a chair, and was attacked by rabid dogs. Bush joked about the incident as he was pushed from the Oval Office to his Cobra gunship in a wheelchair that once belonged to Franklin Delano Roosevelt, saying he had been sucker punched by one of his imaginary playmates and woke up to find the dogs, Hillary and Chelsea, fixing to chow down. 

“My momma always told me when you're eating pretzels, you best chew before you swaller, and then warsh that salty gob down with plenty of Pabst. I should have listened to my mamma, but we ran that keg flat out,” Bush told reporters before boarding the gunship to join the hunt for fugitive journalist Paul Fericano, who is believed to be hiding among millions of unemployed workers in Illinois, Missouri, and Louisiana. 

Asked what had happened to his usually inane appearance, Bush replied: “I hit the deck running, tracking them down, smoking them out, and woke up and there was Hillary and Chelsea showing a lot of concern, sucking on my left cheek like blue-tick hounds on a ripe banty egg. I didn't realize what happened until I looked in the mirror and the damn thing broke. Cut the side of my face. Damn that Osama and his evil grunions.” 

“But I feel great,” he added, “now that we got them evil terrorists on the ropes. These American boys is what frosts my shorts the mostest, those evil ones, but we'll get them soon enough. We'll hogtie them and shackle their sneakers and put hoods over their heads and fly them down to Cuba and kill them with the rest of the prisoners, and then put them on secret trial.” 

Bush's fainting spell occurred Sunday night while he watched the conclusion of the 1963 Rose Bowl on DVD in his jammies at the White House. Bush had reportedly bet his presidency on a Wisconsin victory against moderate Islamic cleric Beulah Mohammed Omar, who had previously seen the game before and bet on USC. 

It was only Bush's second health scare as president. The first came after the failed assassination attempt on September 11th when the president missed his connecting United Airlines flight in Boston because he overslept at Katherine Harris's house in Florida. In the rush to get the president to a secret cave beneath a Montana dental floss ranch, his handlers caught Bush's scrotum in the zipper of the trapdoor in his jammies, stopping his heart for nearly 10 hours. 

After a routine presidential physical examination in August, doctors pronounced the 55-year-old Bush “still dumb as a post and, unfortunately for the future of mankind, in outstanding health,” concluding that the president could serve at the whim of Lon Cheney and his Enron and Halliburton buddies for “the foreseeable future.” 

Bush has a much lower-than-normal pulse rate, which doctors attribute to his total lack of awareness of his surroundings or concern for human life, and he exercised his lack of care several times over the weekend, ordering round-the-clock bombing of areas suspected of having been visited by ancestors of close associates of people who claim to have heard of Osama bin Franklin, suspected mastermind of the September 11 attacks that forever changed history, as told by people who continually rewrite history. According to some depressed physicians, Bush's near-death heart rate made him more prone to fainting when the Volvo-sedan-sized Bavarian pretzel caught in his throat, stimulating his awareness-avoidance system. 

Bush's trip was planned to bring back trophies, including the heads of Yossarian Universal (YU) News Service co-founder Paul Fericano and his companion, Arthur Jefferson, who have been spotted recently in Illinois, Missouri and Louisiana, where they have allegedly been trying to raise funds to oppose the Death Star initiatives they claim the current administration has embarked on. Although YU has yet to produce any evidence that Bush officials have executed more than 250 thousand dissidents in the U.S. since last October, they continue to argue that their inability to locate any of the missing dissidents and other detainees indicates a massive cover-up. 

Having limited his domestic travel and largely focused on playing video games since Sept. 11, Bush's handlers are trying to persuade the moody savant to begin making actual appearances before the American people to allay persistent rumors that he is dead. With al Qaida content to allow the U.S. to wipe out the entire civilian population of Afghanistan by its refusal to enter that country, the American War of Terror (AWOT) may have to be scaled back before the Nov. 5 midterm elections which his fellow Republicans fear they will lose big on the basis of the poor economy. 

Although the AWOT has sent Bush's job approval ratings above 80 percent, most intelligent people do not suffer from the kinds of memory loss made popular during the reign of Flipper Reagan and elevated to an art form by professional journalists and academic professors at the nation's sorry colleges and universities. 

In recent weeks, Fubar's handlers have gone to extreme lengths to portray the first president elected entirely by the Rule of Law as working tirelessly to revive the battered U.S. economy that his policies during his first 90 days in office helped push into recession.

“The president's trip is designed to make vivid and clear the job-creating powers of free trade,” White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. “He'll go anywhere and do anything we tell him to. In this case, Lon wants him to take a couple of days off and go to where products are manufactured in the heartland and watch them at a port where they get shipped off and stand there waving, like little John John Kennedy did after Nixon ordered his father killed in Dallas. This will illustrate how trade creates jobs for farmers, for workers and for longshoremen. It's all very symbolic, with little substance or purpose. If he bags one of those Yossarian terrorists while he's out there, all the better." 

Bush also hopes to visit the federal penitentiary in Terre Haute where Timothy McVeigh escaped execution last June by switching places with Fleetwood Mac singer Christine McVie. Bush is reportedly obsessed with the fugitive diversabomber who is currently living in Dubai and has vowed to “strangle that little asshole with my own hands,” if he ever finds him. 

This Wednesday, Bush will personally execute the former warden at the Illinois prison who made the unfortunate mistake of assuming complete responsibility for McVeigh's escape. 


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