Meanspirited News Is Good News

Sometimes I go overboard in pointing out exactly how bizarre fake news really might be. Fake news, of course, is based entirely upon the 1st amendment to the U.S. Constitution, without which the world would be happier.


Missing Intern Sought In Toddler Drownings

Maximillian von Frisch 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 10, 2001 09:09 PM 

SALEM, Iran (YU) – Sources here deny that a recent police crackdown on drug trafficking and jaywalking has any connection to the hunt for Shandling Garvey, the Beltway intern who disappeared nine weeks ago from the office of Senator Harry Condom following an argument over a dry cleaning bill that once belonged to Monica Lewinsky. 

Garvey's whereabouts remain unknown despite a global intern hunt spurred on by a reward rumored to include the Texas Ranger baseball franchise once owned by President Goober W. Bush. First in line appear to be attorneys for a Texas mother who has allegedly admitted videotaping Shandling as the intern drowned the woman's five children while she “prayed to Almighty God for strength and guidance.” 

Attorneys Foghat Leghorn and Meissel Odom asked a Texas judge to hold a hearing to determine if Willamina Butler Yeats is mentally competent to pay them. Their motion came just minutes after the announcement of the reward, which also carries an endorsement package as well as special guest appearances on The Missing Link, Big Brother 2, The Daily Show, and Sixty Minutes. 

Yeats at first admitted she drowned her five children, aged 6 months to 7 years, after hearing the voice of Liberace screaming “Kill the little piggies!” at her from a toaster. She later recanted that confession, claiming that she didn't even own a toaster and that "Liberace never slept with Charlie Manson, although he secretly wanted to." 

She later said Garvey did the killings as part of a ritual sacrifice designed to bring ruin upon her former lover, who is thus far not a suspect in her disappearance. 

Death and Texas Pubic Judge Anita Hill says she is leaning toward releasing the reward money to Yeats so the deranged woman can pay her mounting legal fees. 

Meanwhile, the crackdown in Iran continues, where visiting Portland police officers have assisted in the arrests of 1,121,892 recreational drug users and baseball card collectors, while killing nearly 100,000 jaywalkers in preemptive air strikes, according to Iran's official news agency, Ravi Shah Palaver. Seven hundred drug rings were bent out of shape, several drug blocks were dented, and numerous drug bands were severed. 

The secretary general of Iran's anti-drug department, James Bennett, a former U.S. Secretary of Education under the Flipper Reagan and Stupid Bush administrations, said Iran has 50 million drug addicts and 8 million recreational users, most of them with visas. Shandling Garvey may be one of them. 

Police confiscated 11,958 tons of LSD in the three-hour operation, which involved members of neighboring Saddam Hussein's Elite Republican National Committee, a major campaign contributor to the RNC during the 2000 election in the U.S. 

But thus far, intern Shandling Garvey remains an enigma, refusing to answer the kind of simple question that appears to be bothering most Americans: what's it like going down in a Washington office with a guy with a starched white shirt? 

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