Stem Cells, Steam Rooms, What’s the Difference?

Oh, for the days when the worst that could happen was a bumbling idiot would make us laugh and fling balls of feces through the bars in our cages. This piece also reminded me that hatred of science and reality is not a new position for the GOP.


Stands Firm On Steam Room Position

by UNCOMMON SENSE
James Morrison
Pharmaceutical Editor, Emeritus
August 13, 2001 11:27 PM 

CRAWLFORWARD, Texas (YU) — President Goober W. Bush on Monday threatened to cut short his yearlong vacation to veto any legislation that violates the spirit of a proposal he announced last week to give federal funding for limited Byronic steam room research.

"The statement I laid out is what I think is right for America, “ Bush told reporters watching him pick his nose as he sat on a golf cart while trying to keep his father from falling out on the green.

"Any piece of legislation that undermines what I think is right will be vetofied, because what I think is right is right, and what's right is right for me, and if it's right for me, it's right for America, right?" Bush asked, rhetorically.

Later while trying to keep his father from unzipping his fly at the buffet, Bush twice cut off further questions on criticism of his decision. 

"I answered your damn questions Thursday night when I gave an address to the nation that you could have heard yourself, if you had listened in like the rest of America," he said. "The American people listened, and they liked what they heard.

“I spent a lot of time on the subject, more than I did in my entire career up to that point, and I thought hard about the hard things, and I asked myself what’s right for America? And then I answered my question by laying out the policy I think is right for America, and I’m not going to change what’s done because what’s done is done, and there are no do-overs when done is done,” the free-world’s bumbling leader told the assembled crews of every legitimate news outlet in the universe, and nobody laughed, except for the elder Bush, who also wet his pants.

Bush stressed that his policy was thoroughly thought-out, and that his speech was the longest he ever had to give in his career to that point, and he wasn't going to give the speech again because he had already given it, and if the reporters had bothered to listen to it, but when he began to repeat  this line of babble for the fifth time, his father spit up.

"It's a moral issue, and I don't like to talk about moral issues,” Goober smirked, "because I'm not a moral man by nature, but I work hard at it, like I did down in Florida, where I won the election, plus there's a chance that we can save people's lives, unlike my opponent, who didn't win in Florida, and I've laid out the path to do that," he said, wiping his father's mess from his khakis while aides hustled the old man away in restraints.

Senators from both wings of the Big American Party have said they will try to correct the typos in Bush's policy when Congress returns next month. They claim the real issue is stem cell research, which may hold the key to finding cures for numerous fatal and debilitating illnesses.

Bush aides, including White House chief of spoiling the rod Andrew Card and Tommy Thompson Gunn, the secretary of wealth and inhumane services, insist the president will stand by his decision to limit research to homosexual bath houses and poetry slams, regardless of what scientific breakthroughs may occur down the road.

"While it is unethical to end life in medical research, it is perfectly legal to end life in the name of justice, order, and the rule of law, and if we can gain wisdom from research where life and death decisions have already been made as in Texas and Florida, more often than not, I see no harm in conducting some intense steam room research to turn the other cheek," Bush wrote in a guest column Sunday in The New York Times.

Appearing on NBC's "Blow Smoke with the Press," Gunn said the single Byronic steam room line identified by the National Institutes of Health might be enough to achieve the results most Senators are looking for when they frequent such establishments, Repugnicrats and Demoblicans alike.

Gunn said Bush would stand by his decision regardless of what science may prove. He estimated that stem cell researchers are three to five years from any significant breakthroughs, and Bush will be out of the White House by then.

"This president will not masturbate in public," Gunn said. "I think he made a very strong statement on that."

"We think there's more than enough reason for this Byronic steam room research to go forward on a limited basis," Card added on “FOX Blows Sunday.”

But Sen. Arlen Specter, R‑Pa., said he is skeptical that a single steam room line be enough to find the kinds of answers he is looking for. "It's like that insane single‑bullet theory the Demoblicans put forward to explain how their patsy killed JFK down in Dallas," he said. "It raises more questions than it answers."

Gunn said he couldn't address whether Bush would veto any legislation that would shift focus from his policy on steam rooms back to stem cells. "First of all, I don't think Congress has the balls to correct a speech by the President of the United States, even if he is a complete idiot."

Gunn went on to cite the case of former president Flipper Reagan, whom he called a "lying, perjuring incompetent, brain-damaged buffoon" whose deceit and duplicity make Goober look like a choirboy. "If they didn't touch Flipper, they won't correct an embarrassing slip by Mr. Peanut Brain," Gunn continued.

"And don't forget his old man. Hell, that jerk liked to bomb Iraqi kids for fun!" Lawmakers should wait until the next presidential election before pursuing such a radical path as pointing out errors and fabrications, he said.

Many opponents of Bush's steam room policy, including Roman Catholic leaders, say Bush went too far.

Bishop Joseph A. Nazareth, president of the National Conference on AIDS Dispersion, said on ABC’s "The Weak in the Fake News" that he considered the steam rooms and other meeting places where homosexuals and other sodomites gather to be "ill‑gotten goods."

"For the government to allow funding for this experiment makes the government complicit in what we consider to be wrongdoing," Nazareth said.

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