Thank God He Didn’t Tweet

See? I can find something nice to say about my favorite American First Idiot. And on an historic Presidential Briefing Day, at that!


Bush Okays Steam Room Research

Hubert Heffner
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August  9, 2001 11:27 AM 

SHORTEYE CORNERS (YU) —  Against the advice of his handlers, President Goober W. Bush interrupted his year-long vacation to approve federal funding for a controversial program he knows nothing about. Speaking on the condition that the nation listen to him, the President smirked into the camera and told his incredulous countrymen that he had authorized an expenditure of $250 million dollars on steam room research that would lead to the end of death, disease, war, pestilence, and voter fraud.

The increasingly irrelevant President, who admits to being the first disabled non-reader elected to the nation’s highest office was recently given a pocket thesaurus by his good friend Colon Bowel. Apparently, Mr. Bush combined a misspelling of "Stem" with an alternative meaning of “Cell” to concoct the most embarrassing spending program conceived by his administration thus far.

Whereas the debate Mr. Bush presumed to address involved the use of genetic material from fetuses and other preserved neural tissue in scientific research, the president actually approved funding for a National Endowment for the Arts program that aims to pair itinerant muralists with clinical anthropologists in an attempt to decrease the renewed spread of aids among congressional butt-fuckers in the nation’s burgeoning bi-sexual bath-house community.

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