The Color Of Bush Induced Terror

From the error of our ways desk...

Vaterland Security System Gets Mixed Reviews

Howard Hughes
Obituary Writer
Pataphysical Muse Service
Wednesday, December 05, 2001 08:07:59 EST 

PHILADELPHIA (PMS) – Fatherland Uberdirektor Tom Terrific this morning announced the first successful test of a DNA-based surveillance and tracking system designed to minimize the threat of domestic terrorism. 

Less than two days after the first executions of suspected terrorists by military tribunals, the latest success in Operation Swift Sword resulted in the capture, detainment, eradication, and environmentally safe disposal of 198 of 200 test subjects in a little over an hour. The remaining subjects chose to eradicate themselves without doing collateral damage to nearby structures or personnel. 

Using recently developed genocybe weapons technology, the genoliminator terrorless weapons and tactics (G-TWAT) system reported only one glitch: the test was intended as a simulation and live ammunition was not supposed to be used. 

“On the bright side,” Terrific told an appreciative audience of press whores,  “if the subjects had posed an actual threat to the nation, they would be gone now.” 

When Ernesto Guevara Heminghaw, a freelance press whore on assignment from La Prensa, asked for the names of the victims, national security advisor Condomsqueezer Rice ordered Heminghaw removed from the briefing room and told the applauding press whores who remained that the names would not be released because they are subject to the rules of law and executive privilege, as well as to protect the privacy of surviving family members who might attempt to sue the government if they knew who they were. 

Despite the success of yesterday's test, Terrific told the nation that all flag-waving Americans should remain on ultimate invincible paramount supreme unwavering definitive final alert until instructed to stand down and fall over in the freshly dug holes behind them. 

“These are dangerous times and we must be dangerous people to confront the evil ones who would have us think otherwise,” Terrific told reporters before doing a crisp right face and marching from the podium while security advisor Rice shouted: “All rise!” 

According to unsubstantiated sources, the G-TWAT system works in conjunction with the massive NSA database on American subjects begun shortly after the last member of The Greatest Generation expired on a lonely battlefield as the result of a forgotten ideological argument between several madmen now deceased. Volunteers were chosen at random without their knowledge to assure objective measurements. 

In Sunday's test, minuscule amounts of DNA were obtained through swabs of newspaper racks, parking meter coin slots, information kiosks, library microfiche readers, university student union door handles, and straps on various public transportation vehicles. These microscopic samples were fed into a handheld computer. Then researchers issued the “eradicate” command and waited for results. 

While a few researchers were reportedly horrified when they learned that the unwitting test subjects had actually been destroyed in the process, these malcontents were quickly isolated from the more positive team members to prepare a glowing report for the Fubar administration for presentation to a nation of imbeciles. 

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