What Was Old Is New Again

Don’t you just miss these benign old timey racists? The new ones are so bigly scary.

Great Grand Dad, 98, Smuggles Missile To Shut-In

William "Randy” Hearst
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 7, 2001 03:20PM 

GOOCH GULCH, SC (YU) – Authorities are still trying to piece together events leading up to the aborted attempt by Senate Majority Leader Strom Thurmond to sneak a Patriot surface-to-air missile battery to James “Thin Jimmy” Aquaviva, a convicted drug-trafficker who is rumored to be one of the senile senator's several hundred illegitimate offspring. 

Political observers familiar with the aging Viagra spokessenator think Thurmond may have been influenced by the story of an 84-year old Greek woman who got into the Guinness Book of World Records last week by smuggling 30 grams of heroin to her jailed great-great-great grandson in a bowl of spaghetti. Depending on which unreliable source was quoted, Thurmond either attempted to hide the Patriot in his pants or a bowl of cheese grits. A spokesperson for Guinness Brewing told this reporter he had the wrong number. 

In a related story, 378 prisoners, who attempted to flee the maximum security facility while prison guards hooted as Thurmond was forced to strip to his Depends, were recaptured without incident when a mutant frog from a nearby nuclear reservation began croaking furiously on the road beside the field of okra in which the inmates were hiding. 

The few guards who were not laughing at Thurmond scaled the towers to see what the frog was croaking about, and they spotted the prisoners hunkered in the field. During the artillery barrage that followed, several hundred thousand were killed, and the frog, which prison guards call Prince Charles, was rewarded with a half gallon of blue bottle flies. 

Prison escapes are common in the United States where the penile system is notoriously overcrowded and understaffed. Mass escapes are encouraged as a means of both thinning the prison population and honing the sharp shooting skills of corrections officers. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896. 


Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Ailments Since 1896. © Elio Emiliano Ligi 1946-2017. Oil Rights Reserved. Accept no substitutes.