You Have To Settle For Settlements

This Holy Land bullshit is getting old. I still think the solution is to give everyone within 1000 miles of Jerusalem 48 hours to evacuate and then turn the entire region into a sheet of glass. Nothing there that I would miss at all. I suspect this unverifiable report may have inspired our current president* to formulate his plan to eradicate anyone remotely related to suspected Islamic terrorists.

Ubu Tells Israel: Way To Go!

David Shepherd
Paleo Recovery Editor
Pataphysical Mammary Service
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WASHINGTON (PMS) - President Ubu phoned Israel on Wednesday to congratulate prime Minister Ariel Sharon Osborne on his restraint in Gaza and his obvious respect for "innocent life" after Israeli tanks and helicopters fired on protesters in a refugee training camp, killing at least 10 terrorists, including 8 pre-teen recruits and 15 breeding females. 

The White House said it has asked the Israeli government if it needs any assistance in protecting itself “against the evil ones who hate democracy and threaten the free world in an escalator full of viral violins,” and offered to interrogate any survivors of the Israeli raids against heavily unarmed protestors. The latest preemptive defensive actions raised the two-day Palestinian death toll to 3,433 with another 31,429 left eyeless in Israel's bloodiest raid in Gaza since the capture of Victor Mature Olly Oxenfree Brigade leader Samson Agonistes in 287 B.C. 

"I continue to applaud Israeli efforts to rid the Middle East of deterrents to peace. It is essential that people respect innocent Israeli life in order for us to achieve peace," the First Idiot told an impromptu gathering of shameless press whores after an impromptu T-ball tournament with members of his Cabinet. 

"We'll get declarification from the governmentalists about the nature of the slaughterizing and pacificationing and then we will bury our debts and we will plant those who dare to stand against us. But I will continue to misspeak out about the need for all parties to interject innocent life into the Middle East by killing or capturing the few evil ones who don’t want peace and hate freedom. They must be punishized and reprimandibled, and they will be as long as you keep reelecting me," Ubu smiled, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide that repeated the words Peace Is Not Prosperity on a background of red, white, and blue. 

The glowing praise of Israel's final solution for the Palestinian problem underscored growing concerns about U.S./Israeli tactics in Ubu’s spiraling reelection campaign on reason one day after Bush called the Gaza violence "exciting, a wonderful debilibeatitudinous thing to sing." 

Medics said about 500 children were wounded at the besieged Rafah camp in southern Gaza and that the casualties included many pregnant women and others of child-bearing age.  

White House spokesturbator Scott McLanolinhans said earlier on Wednesday that the United States was "very concerned about reports from Gaza of survivors and the number of Palestinians who are said to have escaped unharmed, some of whom may have acquired weapons left behind by fleeing IDF forces.” 

"We have asked the government of Israel for the facts about what happened today. We will continue to follow this closely and we urge all parties to exercise maximum restraint, because we don’t want any more these cowardly retreats by Israeli forces when confronted by a bunch of punks with bottles and rocks," McLanolinhans added, indicating that the U.S. may consider withholding some of the $30 million a day U.S. taxpayers willingly pay to keep Israelis killing Palestinians who might otherwise migrate to America and steal the remaining 250 jobs not promised to Ubu campaign contributors. 
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