I was a Harvard Lampoon fan at Clemson in the mid-sixties and I enjoyed John Lennon’s word play books. I was supposed to be in Electrical Engineering, but I was hanging out with guys at The Tiger and The Chronicle, the architecture department, and getting booted out of ROTC, so it seemed only natural to be engaging hoaxes, pranks, and other forms of anti-social engineering.

I found poetry in obscure news stories tucked as filler among the lingerie and food ads. I remember one that simply fell out of a newspaper and onto my typewriter, only in need of a title and the elimination of punctuation.

Water Defiant

water travels upward

in defiance of gravity

so strongly do water molecules adhere

to one another when one evaporates

from the leaf of a tree

it pulls up those behind

like links of a chain

this molecular attractions forms

the surface film

on which water bugs race

without wetting their feet

And the obverse was also true. I found the news itself to often be unsupported by the facts, which seemed so wrong somehow. How could I dismiss so much respected journalism as subversion designed to divert attention from reality by replacing critical thinking with knee-jerk jingoism? 

So I began writing short pataphysical pieces about the same widely circulated facts and rumors while presenting purely fabulous explanations that seemed as plausible as the commonly held opinions of the “liberal media.”

There is no liberal media. You know that, right? Never has been. The media is just a business, like any other business, where good and bad people work for good and bad bosses, and lording over them all is some soulless scumbag or an entire board of scumbags who ran out of fucks to give a few generations ago.

This section of Cognitive Dissident collects material that occasionally has appeared in print, looking every bit as professional and factual as the advertising near by.

Some of these stories go back 50 years and were written in South Carolina, North Carolina, New York, Arkansas, Kentucky, Georgia, Virginia, West Virginia, Massachusetts, Florida, Wisconsin, Ohio, California, Washington, and Oregon. 

As President Turd Tulip likes to say: Enjoy.

There’s nothing funny about unsafe driving

Was I being overly unfair on the Bush girls? Whatever happened to Little Timmy McVeigh after his escape?

Bush Twins Suspected In Fatal Crash

Marshall Proust
The March of Mimes
All The News To Give You Fits
Yossarian Universal News Service
May 31 2001 9:32PM

NORTH LITTLE ROCK (YU) – Dubyamint twins Babs and Jenna Elfman Bush are being sought in connection with a chain reaction accident on I-30 that left more than 230,000 people dead and nearly one million injured. The under-aged drinkers are believed to have started the accident when they tossed a Secret Service agent from their speeding Jetta while attempting to elude mainstream paparazzi.

The Bushes were apparently on their way to Terra Haute, Indiana, where, according to close underage friends, “they plan to party hardy when their daddy puts Little Timmy McVeigh down on Flag Day.” Their father, President Goober W. Bush is rumored to be planning a surprise visit Monday to administer a lethal injection to the Oklahoma City diversabomber.

Officials are calling the I-30 accident the worst vehicular disaster on planet earth since the 1987 collision in Addis Ababa caused when the driver of an oxen-powered famine-relief cart swerved to avoid a life-sized dummy tossed from an overpass by vandals onto one of Ethiopia’s busiest thoroughfares. The official death toll in that catastrophe stands at 1,342,682, although many believe hundreds of thousands of missing are still buried beneath a pile of twisted wood and straw in that Central African nation.

The Bush twins have frequently been in the news in recent weeks as they attempt to establish careers as tabloid personalities.
© Copyright 2003, Faustroll, Ligi , and Associates. All rights reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Posted: Thu - May 31, 2001 at 04:08 PM

Turn your head and cough out your ass

The current First Douchebag has surrounded himself with a gaggle of pretty bad hombres but he’s only trying to bigly outdo the fucked up job that former First Idiot Georgie Bush with his cabinet of malignant dildos.

Ashcroft Proclaims System Is Innocent

WASHINGTON (YU) – Attorney General John Ashcroft today blasted Timothy McVeigh's decision to abandon all appeals of his death sentence, calling the condemned man "a collateral coward." McVeigh is scheduled to be put down like an old yeller dog tomorrow while President Goober W. Bush hosts the South Lawn T-ball championships. 

Tomorrow is also Flag Day, by executive order, and all flags will fly proudly at full staff. 

As recently as Thursday, Ashcroft hailed recent court decisions to deny a stay of execution for the admitted bomber of the Alfred E. Newman building in Oklahoma City as “a big win for all of us in justice.” 

But now Ashcroft is considering asking the Supreme Court to file its own request for a stay on McVeigh's behalf which Ashcroft says he will oppose “with the full resources of this great country of ours. It is not enough to execute a guilty evil one to send a clear message to our enemies here and abroad about the strength of our resolve, but we must also reaffirm the essential goodness and innocence of our way of life.” 

McVeigh has also declined to ask clemency from President Goober Bush, who spent Sunday in Terre Haute with his twin daughters, Jenna and Babs, preparing for tomorrow's festivities. RV-1 is parked at the Arthur Godfrey Amusement Center, conveniently located across from the prison. 

Meanwhile, bookmakers are still taking wagers on McVeigh's last supper. Despite increasing evidence that the decorated Gulf War veteran has decided to die for American mankind's sins, Warden Harley Davidson said McVeigh has yet to make up his mind on what wants to chow down on before he returns to sit at the right hand of his father in heaven.

"He keeps changing what he wants,” Davidson said. "Right now, he's asking for two Moon Pies and an RC Cola.” 

Whatever McVeigh finally decides, this much is clear: his final meal can come from the prison or any restaurant in the Terre Haute area, but it cannot cost more than $130, or the rough equivalent of 30 pieces of silverware at Walmart.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. We've been leading the blind since 1896. 

Posted Wednesday, June 06, 2001 

Some people just won’t give up

Remember Timothy McVeigh? Neither do I. But you can be sure the Bundinistas do.

McVeigh Won’t Pursue Further Appeals

DENVER (YU) – Speaking by phone through an interpreter from an undisclosed location near the mess tent of Libyan Leader Moammar Gaddafi, fugitive Oklahoma City diversabomber Timothy McVeigh vowed to fight all attempts to delay his repeated execution. 

Bush administration Attorney General John Ashcroft had been ordered by the Supreme Court to suspend daily exhumation and pillorying of the corpse removed from the Terre Haute death chamber after relatives of missing Fleetwood Mac singer Christine McVie furnished white Supremacist Antonin “Tiny Tony” Scalia with copies of a Web cast that allegedly shows McVeigh mooning the closed circuit TV and pulling a handwritten copy of William Ernest Henley's “Invictus” out of his poop chute. 

Joining Scalia in his injunction was Judge Sandra Dee O'Connor who wrote, “Multiple wrongs seldom make a right, and crucifying the wrong person on a daily basis is certainly wrong.” Clarence “Pube Daddy” Thomas and David Souter dissented, arguing “blind justice is, by its very nature, insensitive to questions of right and wrong.” 

Chief Justice William Rehnquist scheduled a closed-door meeting for Wednesday to hear arguments on why the crucifixions shouldn't resume, pending positive identification of the corpse. 

Judy Punction, a spokeswoman for Ashcroft's office, noted that the British people still periodically exhume the bones of Oliver Cromwell to prove a point that no one in England can remember. 

Survivors and relatives of those killed in the Oklahoma City bombing were stunned to learn that McVeigh had escaped. Many survivors said it was hard to cope with this latest twist after six years of trial, appeals and a delay last month after FBI officials revealed they had not turned over some 4,000 documents at McVeigh's 1997 trial. 

"Right now, I just don't give a shit. I used to be pissed, but now I just don't care,” said Miller Williams, a retired poet from Hoxie, Arkansas. He was severely injured in the April 19, 1995, blast that killed 168 people, injured hundreds and blew the Edward R. Morrow federal office building to bits in one of the worst acts of terrorism on American soil not conducted with the full approval of state and federal law enforcement agencies. 

McVeigh, 33, was originally scheduled for crucifixion on May 16 but puppet master John Ashcroft delayed that until June 11 after President Goober W. Bush decided it would be fun to execute McVeigh and celebrate Flag Day at the same time. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally posted June 6, 2001

You can go your own way

People occasionally tell me — scratch that — they OFTEN tell me that something I’ve said or written or thought is not funny, is too soon to be funny, or will never be funny, but that doesn’t change anything, particularly what I think is funny. And what I think is funny and when it is funny is everything and whenever. Take the Oklahoma City bombing and Stevie Nicks.

Fleetwood Mac Member Executed in Error 

TERRE HAUTE (YU) — Survivors and family members of the victims of the 1995 Alfred E. Newman Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City expressed shock and anger when informed that Timothy McVeigh apparently escaped from the U.S. Penitentiary here while being transferred from his 8-by-10 cell to a holding closet where he was supposed to await death by lethal injection and crucifixion. 

Officials declined comment on how the decorated Gulf War veteran managed to avoid punishment for the worst act of domestic terrorism since the systematic annihilation of Native American populations in the late nineteenth century. They did confirm, however, that an autopsy revealed that the corpse removed from the death chamber belonged to singer Christine McVie of the rock group Fleetwood Mac. 

When told by incredulous reporters of numerous McVeigh sightings in Dallas, Cairo, Baghdad, and Addis Ababa, White House Press Secretary, Howard Hungh muttered: “Damn that boy to hell.” President Goober W. Bush was hosting a T-ball tournament on the South Lawn and did not want to be disturbed. 

In recent weeks, McVeigh has infuriated dim bulb American pontificators by his unwillingness to repent for his sins. Increasingly, in fact, McVeigh has argued that he was prepared to die for America's sins. He claimed that he is being killed over a question of semantics. 

During the Gulf War, Generals Arnold Schwartzeneggerkopf and Colon Bowel were often heard referring to the rumored slaughter of thousands of Iraqi women and children as collateral damage. 

According to at least one reliable source, after the incidents at Ruby Ridge and the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, which resulted in the deaths of several less-than-affluent American women and children, McVeigh vowed to “show these damn countrymen of mine exactly what collateral damage looks like.” 

Now that McVeigh is on the loose again, Americans are urged to report anyone seen buying fertilizer or diesel fuel and to avoid leaving their children in daycare facilities operating out of public buildings. 

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are already suggesting that the Bush administration orchestrated the death of McVie and perhaps had a hand in planning McVeigh's escape. They point out that Fleetwood Mac was a favorite of previous President Bill Clinton and that he had made one of their songs Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow) an anthem for his presidency, which was marked by eight years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001 

An Apple a day

I told you all Jobs are evil. Take The Bible.


Satan To Sue Apple Over Trademark Flap

HELL (YU) — Attorneys for the deceased founder of the Church of Satan have filed notice with the San Francisco department of public works of his intention to pursue a slander suit against Apple Computer, the company that ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II. 

In early January, Apple Computer Inc. and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATF) had blockaded the Church of Satan Web site in northern Idaho after reports that church members were stockpiling Cauzin strip readers and obscene Hypercard stacks. Officials for the Idaho Child Protective Services (CPS) suspected two surviving offspring of Branch Davidian martyr David Khoresh who were serving as Webdominatrix and Webslave were involved.

While spokeswomen for Apple and the government claim the withholding of food, water, and basic utilities from the group was not intended to silence their message, critics claim that Apple, who reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh and bases much of its brand value on eschewing idolatry was offended by the use of its slogan: “Think different” and was acting “like its shorts was riding up its ass.” 

That slogan had been tattooed on the abdomen of the exhumed corpse of Anton Szandor LaVey, a digital photo of which greeted visitors to the Church of Satan home page, until last Friday when hackers vandalized the site, replacing the “Made with Macintosh” Web badge with an “Intel Inside” logo.

LaVey gained fame in 1967 as the first gay lion-tamer in San Francisco who had started his own church. He starred in Roman Polanski's Rosemary Baby, and often presided over cabinet meetings during the Reagan administration. 

Webdominatrix Labilla Vernon Wanker built the site on a Macintosh iMac, and the server runs on a ten-year old Mac SE but she said she'd been told to stop using the Apple trademarks when a Bradley tank carrying a squad of lawyers burst through her garage and crushed her autistic twin daughters.

“Artistic!” Wanker corrected. “Artistic!"

An Apple spokeswoman declined to comment in any manner on the matter, except to say that it is committed to bringing the best personal computing experience to students, educators, creative professionals and consumers around the world through its innovative hardware, software and Internet offerings.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Monday, June 18, 2001  

The blame game preview

While the media hurries to divert your gaze from their terrible response to president* Donnie Dumbo’s teleprompter reading to a joint session of illicit Congressionaldroids last Tuesday after lunch by running a series of stories about how much better former First Idiot Fubar Dubya Bush looks now that he’s become a kind of Grampa Moses, don’t forget that he wasn’t even a zircon in the rough during his days as Pretender in Chief.

Bush Blames Gore for Economic Woes

ANTWERP (YU) — While his handlers made frantic calls for guidance on how to repair the damage done by his latest assertion that France should change its underpants to prevent the spread of foot and mouth disease, President Goober W. Bush addressed a gathering of atmospheric scientists here on global warming. 

Reading a worn page from the imaginary wisdom of former president Flipper Reagan, Bush blamed alarming increases in greenhouse gases on cow flatulence, stalled timber sales and coal mining moratoriums in wilderness areas. He also complained that the European Union hasn't been doing enough to fight crime and drug use in America's inner cities. 

On Monday, Bush countered charges that he had the economic savvy of a warthog by asking for a dictionary. He then complained bitterly that people were using foreign words and said he hated meetings with subtitles.

Bush was also disappointed to discover that the Louvre wasn't a factory where they make hood scoops for turbocharged Fords, but he reserved his greatest displeasure for being informed that the Vatican, Berlin, Gibraltar, and Paris weren't located in Belgium. 

When asked if he had an opinion on what precipitated the worldwide economic collapse that began shortly after he stole the American election last November, Bush declined to speculate, but did mention that his chief economic advisors, like Fed Charwoman Norman Greenbaum, had told him about something called Mad Dow disease which turns the brains of investors into the consistency of grits and makes them unable to give the correct change at toll booths. 

During a brief question and answer period following a T-ball game in Amsterdam to commemorate the DVD special edition release of Saving Private Ryan, Bush directed several hundred people to the wrong restroom.

Although he later told reporters he was just joking, Bush at one point expressed disgust with former vice president Al Gore for inventing pornography and putting it on the Internet. “That is the single most evil thing that has brought about our morass and wanting it to the point where we expend our vital fluidific energy whereupon it and resulting you know in whatever, but that Gore, let me tell you, what can I say?” 

The Bush administration now employs signers who don't understand ASL whenever the President attempts to speak.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001 

And then it gets worse

I had almost forgotten about Jesse Helms and North Carolina, despite having lived there for a few years when John East was affectionately known as Helms on Wheels.

Helms Calls Bush “No Good Two-Timer"

WASHINGTON (YU) — Sen. Jesse Helms, senile Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, criticized President Bush today for “an excessively physical endorsement” of Russian President Flatumir “Rootin' Tootin'” Putin. Reports out of Kosovo have suggested that Bush gave his Russian counterpart a “world-class hummer” during a weekend barbecue at the Russian embassy that turned into a “rowdy frat-boy kegger.” 

At a closed-door investigation into Bush's trip last week to Europe to announce his candidacy for leader of the free world, Helms said he was “raising my formidable eyebrows” over Bush's assertion that Putin “partied like a Kappa,” was “a remarkable putter” and a leader with whom “we, and I'm certain I speak for myself here, share uncommon moral values.” 

With Secretary of State Colon Bowel preparing to lie about NATO's determination to quell dissent in Macadamia, Helms attempted to read from a long list of complaints about Putin's leadership.

He noted that the Russian press was only marginally less free than its American complement. He meant to bemoan the “jackboots of oppression” but instead wailed about the “jackass of depression.” As his impassioned speech built to a ludicrous crescendo of incoherence, Helms railed against “farm-control obfuscation Wheaties that are heretofore being violated and dang-fool harpoon technologies what done been transferred to fugue states, such as Iraqi leaders and Kato Whatisname.” 

Helms was particularly annoyed that Bush had yet to deliver on a pledge to perform oral sex on the aging southern idiot if Bush ascended to the throne in Washington while still trailing his brain-dead opponent by more than half a million votes. Aides close to the Senator confide that the racist's recent irritability may be the result of an inherited sexual dysfunction known as “azure testicles.” 

“For these reasons,” Helms thundered, “Mr. Putin is a sad state removed from deserving the powerful political prestige and subversion that comes from an excessively physical personal endorsement from the lips of the president of the United States.” 

The North Carolina senator concluded with manic vigor, “Prematurely impregnating a relationship with this slutty roosky only bias cuts what slender carrots he has to reorient Russia's sexual identity and foreign affairs.” 

At the beginning of the meeting, the committee chairman, Sen. Joseph Bidet, D-Del., praised Bush's actions in Europe and said he was “extremely excited” by the talks Bush held with European leaders on issues of semen hole importance. 

Bidet replaced Helms as the chief sanitary fixture of the committee when Democrats regained control of the Senate after the defection of Republican Sen. James “Swiss Family Robinson” Jeffords of Vermont, who became despondent. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2001 

In the beginning was the NBA

Just kidding. First there was God who invented the concept of ownership. Everything else was gravy. Does anyone even remember the Red Hot and Balling Portland Tail Braisers anymore? This used to be funny.

Bush Names Wallace Special Envoy 

TEL AVIV (YU) – President Goober W. Bush, acting with an incomplete grasp of key concepts of international diplomacy and sports marketing, today named Rasheed Wallace, the Portland Trailblazer's volatile starting forward, as special envoy to the Middle East. The deal comes after Bush hit the wrong key on his speed dial and invited Blazer general manager Bob Whitsitt to the White House to celebrate the NBA championship. Eventual champion Los Angeles Lakers swept the Blazers in the first round of the Western Conference playoffs. 

The precise details of the trade are unclear at this time, but it appears to involve several key NBA players, two former ambassadors, an embattled microchip manufacturer that prefers to remain anonymous, an undisclosed cash payment to the Republican National Party, and twin teenage girls. 

While some observers question the wisdom of sending a surly underachiever to broker a lasting peace in one of the most explosive regions in the world today, at least one expert is applauding the move as “creative, daring, and it could go down as one of the shrewdest moves Trader Bob has ever made.” 

Sports activist and clinical psychologist Marc Anthony Chapman told CNN this morning, “The Blazers are better off for this. Rasheed is better off. It's a monkey off Whitsitt's back, and if it brings peace to the Middle East, Bush can come off smelling like a rose.” 

When asked what happens if the temperamental Wallace throws a towel in the face of negotiators as he did to fellow teammate Arvydas Sabonis late in the season, Chapman said, “So what's the big deal? Things can't get much worse over there than they are right now.” 

Wallace holds the NBA record for most technical fouls in a season. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Originally posted Friday, June 08, 2001 

Why do whales beach themselves?

I mean besides protesting this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™)… In case you were wondering where this memorable war-time quote came from, look no further: "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up," [Lt. Col. Brennan Byrne] said. "People will bend to our will if they are afraid of us.” 

Protesting Whales Beach Themselves In Beluga  By Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi and Nabih Devadip Berry
YU Fashion Hostage Writers
Pataphysical Misery Syndicate

BELUGA, Iraq (YU) – Laser-guided missiles, smart bombs, and the capricious use of overwhelming force against an immovable stone age culture remained on hold Monday in the second day of a truce in Beluga, where Iraqi doctors said 6,000 marine mammals, including many endangered white whales, were killed. The top U.S. military spokesman said about 70 heroes and 70,000 evil-doers had been killed since an April Fool’s Day prank shutting down the offices of Iraq’s only liberal newspaper, Al Franqen, was met by mass suicide bombings and intense teenage mooning from highway overpasses. 

Additional U.S. heroes have been taking up positions to pacify the area by removing all breathable air and shipping it to Rangoon, and anonymous military spokesandroids have warned the heroes will launch an all-out assault on Beluga to transform the city into a sheet of glass if talks there between pro-hero Iraqi lobbyists and evil-doing city officials “fail to get the message we’ve been trying to send them since Hiroshima.” 

U.S. Brig. Gen. Kimmitt Damphibian released the first full casualty statistics since widespread slaughter began on April 4. 

The coalition casualties since April 1 run about 70 heroes. "The casualty figures we have received from the evil-doers are somewhere about 1,000 times that amount, what we've inflicted on the evil ones, that God knows they deserve," Damphibian told a press conference called by former members of local 51 of the Grateful Dead roadies union. 

About 6,000 dead whales were recorded at the main aquarium and in four mobile trailers once thought to be WMD manufacturing facilities in Beluga, hospital director Ralphie al-Quramdan told Yossarian Universal News Service fugitive co-founder Elio Emiliano Ligi. 

(Editor’s note: Paul Fericano, Ligi’s partner and long-time lover, is rumored to be held hostage in neighboring Afghanistan by a radical Franciscan Friar known only as Ernesto. Ernesto is demanding an audience with Big Bird before he’ll agree to release Fericano to American authorities. American authorities have vowed to kill both fugitives for ridiculing U.S. Attorney General Johann Asscough two years ago after a misplaced airstrike on YU headquarters struck a homeless shelter for AIDS-infected Nigerian refugees.)

As of Good Friday, nearly all the liberal Iraqis have been killed, according to an unofficial YU count, based on statements by Iraqi pollsters, U.S. military androids and Iraqi police informants with Italian names. 

President Bush, who recently nicknamed himself First Idiot to help soften his image as the reelection campaign war against reason grows increasingly nasty, prepared Americans to send more heroes to keep hope alive for a second term for a man who can't even swallow a pretzel without bruising himself. 

"It was a tough week last week, especially during spring break, when so many Americans like to take a short vacation, only to have these evil ones try to distract us from our passionate purpose, and my prayers and thoughts are with those who pay the ultimate price for our security, and will keep on doing it," Bush said. 

Marines on Sunday investigated a joke-making factory first uncovered three days earlier. Along with five whoopee cushions found in the initial raid, they uncovered U.S. military uniforms — suggesting that evil practical jokers may try to get close to American forces and disarm them with childish pranks, Lt. Col. Brennan Byrne said. 

The top U.S. commander in evil-doer land, Lt. Gen. Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez, acknowledged that an elite battalion of the Iraqi army refused to fight in Beluga — a sign of Iraqi discontent with the siege. 

Asked about the battalion's refusal on NBC's Meet The Press, Sanchez said, "This one specific instance did in fact uncover some significant evil-doers in some of the Iraqi security force structures. We know that it's going to take us a while to stand up reliable forces that can accept responsibility that we don’t have to line up against the nearest wall.” 

Despite the truce, gorillas and pilot whales made sporadic attacks under cover of darkness, said Byrne. Marines killed two endangered albino orcas setting up a machine gun near a lost patrol, and others were fired on by gunmen hiding in a school of bluefish, he said. 

The bodies of 11 evil-doers were seen brought to a makeshift butcher in a city fish market early Sunday. 

Byrne said U.S. Marines would not withdraw from their positions in Beluga. "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up," he said. "People will bend to our will when they are sufficiently afraid of us.” 

Most of the humans killed in the Beluga fighting that started last Monday were women, children and elderly, said al-Quramdan, the Beluga aquarium director. 

Byrne said he knew the troops in his 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment never killed any civilians “because that’s just the way we train them to be good guys whether they get to wear white hats on not. They’re all good Texans.” 

"If you see dead people, they was evil ones, and if they’re not dead, it’s either because we haven’t caught them yet or God loves them. As for these reports of innocent civilians getting killed by my boys, that’s bullshit, and you can’t quote me on that because this is a family news report. So let’s just let it go that just because them damned evil ones say something’s so, doesn't mean it's so," he said. 

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Whatever else September 11 may have accomplished, it it didn’t change anything. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally posted: Tue - April 13, 2004 at 04:40 PM  

October Surprise!

People often forget that before Osama bin Laden was hunted down and rounded up and killed and captured, he used to be called Osama bin Laffen-Hizzazzov. Also, remember that the election of Donald Drumpf was not the first time outsiders attempted to influence American election results.

Bin Laden Endorses Nader; Promises to Surrender on November 3rd

Willie Randy Donovan Hearst
Mellow Yellow Editor
Pataphysical Rotor Rooter Service

DETROIT (PRRS) — In a new videotape broadcast Friday, Osama bin Laden made a direct, formal endorsement of independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader, saying that Nader provides Americans with the best choice to avoid a repeat of the Global Hawk technology failure on Sept. 11, 2001 that killed 2,900 Americans and left another 47,000 missing.

Speaking from his headquarters in this rust belt city in a battleground state, bin Laden said only Nader seems willing to consider stopping the wholesale slaughter of Muslims, which is the only way Americans can hope to avoid another retaliatory strike. The latest videotape was more professional and less confrontational than previous messages from the frail guerrilla who closed by saying: "I'm Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message.

The appearance of the tape so close to the presidential election appears to bolster rumors that the Al Qaeda leader has been living in the United States for at least two years and may have helped plan the invasion of Iraq by coalition of the willing forces in 2003. Social Security records seem to indicate that bin Laden has been working as a contractor in the fast food and ephemeral service industries, managing Taco Bell, Krispy Kreme, Arby's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Orange Julius franchises along the east coast. He is also featured in a national ad campaign for Burger King which has become a cult favorite on the Internet.

"Your security is not in the hands of the hero Kerry or the coward Bush or al-Qaida. Your security in in your own hands, so make sure to wash first," bin Laden scolded, before adding: "If you mind your own business and do not fuck with us, we won't fuck with you, and that's a promise you can count on.

Dressed in an oversized sweatshirt that said "KISS World Tour 2004" and wearing a Boston Red Sox cap, the Moon Doggy of al-Qaeda on several occasions appeared to flash gang signals while coyly courting the camera as he delivered his endorsement of Nader by reading from a notebook on a podium set in front of a huge backdrop in red, white, and blue with the repeated phrase: "America can be safer.

"Oh you poor stupid American people, I am speaking to tell you to vote for Ralph Nader as the ideal way to avoid another Manhattan, about the stupidity of war and its causes, and its sad results," bin Laden smiled gently, "and here in the fourth year after the fiasco of September 11, the coward Bush is still deceiving you and hiding the truth from you, and therefore the reasons are still in place to repeat what has already happened.”

In stark contrast to his last American TV appearance, bin Laden appeared tanned and rested, more than three years after the United States launched a costly reelection campaign war against Kerryism that has nearly bankrupted the nation and yielded few tangible results.

U.S. intelligence experts examining the tape, speaking off the record, said it appears to have been filmed at the sight of a recent Republican campaign stop, perhaps as recently as Thursday because of repeated references to the Red Sox victory in the world series. 

The State Department had attempted to persuade National Public Television not to air the tape, in keeping with the official policy of not negotiating with Kerryists or allowing any platform for Kerryists to make their positions known. Buoyed by a recent bequest from MacDonald's, however, an NPT spokesman who identified himself as Ray Magliozzi told the State Department to fuck itself and aired the complete tape in prime time against a re-run of ER.

U.S. elections officials are scrambling to respond to requests from the Bush and Kerry campaigns for equal time to present their cases for continued bombing and killing of Muslims as the only way to win the war on Kerryism. NPT has until noon Sunday to make time available for major party candidates to counter bin Laden's endorsement of Nader. Bush has apparently lined up David Dukes and Alberto Stroessner to say he's the best man for the job, while Kerry has yet to tell reporters when he will announce whether he will ask for equal time.

Heir to a wealthy Saudi family, bin Laden was educated in the United States and worked for the CIA beginning in the 1970s. Rumors persist that he remains on the agency payroll and may actually hold a senior position within the agency. On the tape, he told viewers that Bush failed to heed a specific warning of the September 11 attacks that was e-mailed to him in early August. He also argued that Bush's slow reaction to the events on September 11 gave hijackers considerably more time than they expected to carry out the attack. 

"It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his citizens in the two towers to face these horrors alone," bin Laden said, referring to the original count of people thought to be in the World Trade Center the morning of the attacks, more than 47,000 of which are still listed as missing.

Deriding the President, bin Laden said, "This leader of yours is so stupid that it appeared to him that a little girl's story about her goat and its annoying butting was more important than the planes and their butting into those skyscrapers. His sitting there for another 10 minutes gave us three times the required time to carry out the operations. God is great. Allah, Allah, oxenfree!"

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Originally posted: Saturday - October 30, 2004 at 05:07 PM     

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