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Mayor Katz Receives Anti‑Moronic Messages

Fred Willy Nietzsche, Special Correspondent
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August 2, 2001 06:02PM

SALEM (YU) ‑ Portland's mayor says she still hasn't met with the Portland School Board member who made comments about "morons running everything;" however Mayor Katz, who is a practicing moron, says she'd like to talk to Michael Jackson about his views. Jackson is an orthodox propeller head who recently said the mayor wasn't fit to shine his shoes.

The fall out from that incident has apparently struck a nerve among anti‑morons, according to the slow‑speaking mayor who says that she has received some "very, very intelligently written but thoughtless and hurtful" anti‑moronic e‑mail messages recently.

Mayor Katz says those messages are very disturbing to her and are one of her biggest concerns, after whether to build a Babylon-inspired garden over the 1‑405 by‑pass in downtown Portland.

"Frankly, what continues to upset me the most and I hope the moronically sympathetic community at large are these very, very ugly e‑mails coming now from people with supposedly fully developed brains, many of whom live outside of Oregon, from organizations that support anti‑moronic causes, like Mensa and the Anarchist Film Study Group. This hatred has now moved to recruit from outside of Oregon, putting morons in Oregon at even greater risk."

An aide to the mayor who is too embarrassed to speak on the record says phone messages and letters addressed to the city offices have also expressed anti‑moronic sentiments.

Mayor Katz has not called for Jackson to resign from the board, and she says she doubts the propeller‑head would step down voluntarily. She admits she often confuses the board member with the other Jacksons, like Jesse, Stonewall, Reggie, Bo, LaToya, and Tito, because "they all look alike to me."

Second‑generation propeller head Michael Jackson's comments began the brouhaha during a school board meeting last month when he called fellow board member Marc Abrams a jerk, which is considered a slur by morons.

Jackson elaborated on those comments in an interview with The Oregonadian newspaper. Jackson pointed out that morons were originally held in low regard when they started immigrating to the United States in the late 18th century. Today, however, Jackson said, "Morons run the country," pointing at a picture of President Goober W. Bush. Bush is considered a flake, not a true moron, and Abrams, who recently converted to moronicism, took the comment as a slur.

Abrams whined convincingly that morons had also suffered discrimination, but Jackson responded that they "suffered a fraction, a fraction of them suffered comparably [to propeller-heads] ." No one is quite sure where propeller heads come from or when they first arrived on the continent, but most Americans now agree that no group of Americans has suffered as greatly as the maligned and tortured propeller‑heads.

"I see morons running everything," Jackson screamed, in anguish.

Mayor Katz says she sees a real need to remedy the situation, and that her proposals will form the basis for her planned bid for a fourth consecutive term as mayor.

"I think we have a responsibility to discuss this as a spokesperson for a saddened community. That's how we grow our economy. That's how we empower the toleration of totalitarian diversity in this piecework community. More importantly, that's how we understand what words can do, and, unlike sticks and stones, how they can really enflame the tissues of a city as a collection of rubbed raw assholes."

She says it's her job to bring all these assholes together.

"As a mayor, I have a responsibility to make sure we have reconstructive surgery and not warfare.” The mayor did not elaborate on what she meant by that last statement.

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