Affordable Health Care Was A Thing?

I’ve come to the realization over the years is that my funniest stuff isn’t really funny when you think about it, which is what makes it so funny. This piece would make a great beginning for a comedy horror film. So remember, when you think about how fucking crazy things are today with Trump in the White House and the government run by billionaires and racist thugs, the Fubar Ubu Bush years were pretty fucking grim, and many of us lived through it and survived, still laughing.


Bush Signs Patients' Bill  Of Rights

by Uncommon Sense
Dr. Alfred J. Faustroll, Director
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat
August 2, 2001 06:02PM

CRAWFORD, Texas (YU) — While President Goober W. Bush spends a month testing his new ThunderPants at the parched and dying 1,600 acre Kegger White House ranch, YU reporters were piecing together the horrifying details of the marathon session last month that led to sweeping changes in the nation's commitment to affordable health care. The picture is not a pretty one. 

After hours of secretive maneuvers involving a dozen ducks, a White House rug beater, a pair of tweezers, and interns belonging to Speaker Dennis Hastert and Rep. Charles Norwood, Bush told his Mexican cook that the Georgia lawmaker had agreed to unspecified changes in patient's rights legislation that assured it wouldn't interfere with Bush's principles. 

Juan Caracas Valdez told astonished observers that Bush danced like a Snoopy dog in the restroom as he gushed about the patient "bill for rights." Lawyers say the choice of prepositions is a key legal point.

"The worst we had to deal with in the past," said intern attorney Jerry Spence, "was the idea of pay as you go, where the sick and wounded of this unwinnable war against the impoverished, casualties of the Great Society, would at least be able to sell their salvaged body parts in exchange for some relief from pain and suffering, but the current president believes the poor should pay for the right to complain about the lack of care."

Indeed, it now looks as if most lawmakers are willing to compromise on any issue to keep from confronting Mr. Bush, who is rumored to carry the code book for testing unproven elements of the Star Wars defense system wherever he goes. “The bottom line is, we want to change the law," Norwood said. "And the last time I looked, that's pretty difficult to do without a presidential signature, even if it's only an  X."

While no details were immediately available on the compromise that Norwood and Bush agreed to, it now appears that most Americans with insurance will be guaranteed to receive a $150 non-refundable bill for such patient rights as emergency room visits, phone calls to medical specialists, or being put on the waiting list to become test subjects in government-run clinical trials.

This fee will be assessed in addition to any co-pay amount and automatically deducted from the patients’ Social Security trust fund unless the patient agrees to periodic electronic withdrawals from a guaranteed Check-Free account. Any eligible American who is also a registered Democrat earning less than $100 thousand a year will be required to donate at least one vital organ every five years to maintain minimum coverage.

There was no immediate comment from Democrats with whom Norwood had been romantically linked during the long fight to pass patients’ rights legislation, although former Republican presidential challenger John McCain called the negotiations leading up to the agreement “shameful and disgusting."

Rep. John Dingell, D-Mich., saw it differently. The White House, he said, seems to be following Chairman Mao's philosophy of kicking "the shit out of the enemy before forcing negotiations.” The administration's actions, he added, "raise the question of whether there is a God.

Norwood was caught in the middle of this political dust-up  with nowhere to turn, except around and bend over. An amiable fourth-term Georgian with a knee-jerk conservative voting record, Norwood was a bumbling dentist before he entered politics, when an ongoing drug investigation forced him into elected office.

With Bush effectively gone through the end of the political year, his aides will run the world through the White House. They continue to deny reports that Bush is in Texas practicing to become a spokesperson for ThunderPants, an Internet-based undergarment designed to filter the odor from flatulence.

They claim to doubt Internet technology could deodorize a Bush family fart, but they also allege that Bush has not broken wind since he went through detox during his father's rule. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.


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