Why do whales beach themselves?

I mean besides protesting this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™)… In case you were wondering where this memorable war-time quote came from, look no further: "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up," [Lt. Col. Brennan Byrne] said. "People will bend to our will if they are afraid of us.” 

Protesting Whales Beach Themselves In Beluga  By Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi and Nabih Devadip Berry
YU Fashion Hostage Writers
Pataphysical Misery Syndicate

BELUGA, Iraq (YU) – Laser-guided missiles, smart bombs, and the capricious use of overwhelming force against an immovable stone age culture remained on hold Monday in the second day of a truce in Beluga, where Iraqi doctors said 6,000 marine mammals, including many endangered white whales, were killed. The top U.S. military spokesman said about 70 heroes and 70,000 evil-doers had been killed since an April Fool’s Day prank shutting down the offices of Iraq’s only liberal newspaper, Al Franqen, was met by mass suicide bombings and intense teenage mooning from highway overpasses. 

Additional U.S. heroes have been taking up positions to pacify the area by removing all breathable air and shipping it to Rangoon, and anonymous military spokesandroids have warned the heroes will launch an all-out assault on Beluga to transform the city into a sheet of glass if talks there between pro-hero Iraqi lobbyists and evil-doing city officials “fail to get the message we’ve been trying to send them since Hiroshima.” 

U.S. Brig. Gen. Kimmitt Damphibian released the first full casualty statistics since widespread slaughter began on April 4. 

The coalition casualties since April 1 run about 70 heroes. "The casualty figures we have received from the evil-doers are somewhere about 1,000 times that amount, what we've inflicted on the evil ones, that God knows they deserve," Damphibian told a press conference called by former members of local 51 of the Grateful Dead roadies union. 

About 6,000 dead whales were recorded at the main aquarium and in four mobile trailers once thought to be WMD manufacturing facilities in Beluga, hospital director Ralphie al-Quramdan told Yossarian Universal News Service fugitive co-founder Elio Emiliano Ligi. 

(Editor’s note: Paul Fericano, Ligi’s partner and long-time lover, is rumored to be held hostage in neighboring Afghanistan by a radical Franciscan Friar known only as Ernesto. Ernesto is demanding an audience with Big Bird before he’ll agree to release Fericano to American authorities. American authorities have vowed to kill both fugitives for ridiculing U.S. Attorney General Johann Asscough two years ago after a misplaced airstrike on YU headquarters struck a homeless shelter for AIDS-infected Nigerian refugees.)

As of Good Friday, nearly all the liberal Iraqis have been killed, according to an unofficial YU count, based on statements by Iraqi pollsters, U.S. military androids and Iraqi police informants with Italian names. 

President Bush, who recently nicknamed himself First Idiot to help soften his image as the reelection campaign war against reason grows increasingly nasty, prepared Americans to send more heroes to keep hope alive for a second term for a man who can't even swallow a pretzel without bruising himself. 

"It was a tough week last week, especially during spring break, when so many Americans like to take a short vacation, only to have these evil ones try to distract us from our passionate purpose, and my prayers and thoughts are with those who pay the ultimate price for our security, and will keep on doing it," Bush said. 

Marines on Sunday investigated a joke-making factory first uncovered three days earlier. Along with five whoopee cushions found in the initial raid, they uncovered U.S. military uniforms — suggesting that evil practical jokers may try to get close to American forces and disarm them with childish pranks, Lt. Col. Brennan Byrne said. 

The top U.S. commander in evil-doer land, Lt. Gen. Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez, acknowledged that an elite battalion of the Iraqi army refused to fight in Beluga — a sign of Iraqi discontent with the siege. 

Asked about the battalion's refusal on NBC's Meet The Press, Sanchez said, "This one specific instance did in fact uncover some significant evil-doers in some of the Iraqi security force structures. We know that it's going to take us a while to stand up reliable forces that can accept responsibility that we don’t have to line up against the nearest wall.” 

Despite the truce, gorillas and pilot whales made sporadic attacks under cover of darkness, said Byrne. Marines killed two endangered albino orcas setting up a machine gun near a lost patrol, and others were fired on by gunmen hiding in a school of bluefish, he said. 

The bodies of 11 evil-doers were seen brought to a makeshift butcher in a city fish market early Sunday. 

Byrne said U.S. Marines would not withdraw from their positions in Beluga. "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up," he said. "People will bend to our will when they are sufficiently afraid of us.” 

Most of the humans killed in the Beluga fighting that started last Monday were women, children and elderly, said al-Quramdan, the Beluga aquarium director. 

Byrne said he knew the troops in his 1st Battalion, 5th Regiment never killed any civilians “because that’s just the way we train them to be good guys whether they get to wear white hats on not. They’re all good Texans.” 

"If you see dead people, they was evil ones, and if they’re not dead, it’s either because we haven’t caught them yet or God loves them. As for these reports of innocent civilians getting killed by my boys, that’s bullshit, and you can’t quote me on that because this is a family news report. So let’s just let it go that just because them damned evil ones say something’s so, doesn't mean it's so," he said. 

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Whatever else September 11 may have accomplished, it it didn’t change anything. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally posted: Tue - April 13, 2004 at 04:40 PM  

October Surprise!

People often forget that before Osama bin Laden was hunted down and rounded up and killed and captured, he used to be called Osama bin Laffen-Hizzazzov. Also, remember that the election of Donald Drumpf was not the first time outsiders attempted to influence American election results.

Bin Laden Endorses Nader; Promises to Surrender on November 3rd

Willie Randy Donovan Hearst
Mellow Yellow Editor
Pataphysical Rotor Rooter Service

DETROIT (PRRS) — In a new videotape broadcast Friday, Osama bin Laden made a direct, formal endorsement of independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader, saying that Nader provides Americans with the best choice to avoid a repeat of the Global Hawk technology failure on Sept. 11, 2001 that killed 2,900 Americans and left another 47,000 missing.

Speaking from his headquarters in this rust belt city in a battleground state, bin Laden said only Nader seems willing to consider stopping the wholesale slaughter of Muslims, which is the only way Americans can hope to avoid another retaliatory strike. The latest videotape was more professional and less confrontational than previous messages from the frail guerrilla who closed by saying: "I'm Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message.

The appearance of the tape so close to the presidential election appears to bolster rumors that the Al Qaeda leader has been living in the United States for at least two years and may have helped plan the invasion of Iraq by coalition of the willing forces in 2003. Social Security records seem to indicate that bin Laden has been working as a contractor in the fast food and ephemeral service industries, managing Taco Bell, Krispy Kreme, Arby's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Orange Julius franchises along the east coast. He is also featured in a national ad campaign for Burger King which has become a cult favorite on the Internet.

"Your security is not in the hands of the hero Kerry or the coward Bush or al-Qaida. Your security in in your own hands, so make sure to wash first," bin Laden scolded, before adding: "If you mind your own business and do not fuck with us, we won't fuck with you, and that's a promise you can count on.

Dressed in an oversized sweatshirt that said "KISS World Tour 2004" and wearing a Boston Red Sox cap, the Moon Doggy of al-Qaeda on several occasions appeared to flash gang signals while coyly courting the camera as he delivered his endorsement of Nader by reading from a notebook on a podium set in front of a huge backdrop in red, white, and blue with the repeated phrase: "America can be safer.

"Oh you poor stupid American people, I am speaking to tell you to vote for Ralph Nader as the ideal way to avoid another Manhattan, about the stupidity of war and its causes, and its sad results," bin Laden smiled gently, "and here in the fourth year after the fiasco of September 11, the coward Bush is still deceiving you and hiding the truth from you, and therefore the reasons are still in place to repeat what has already happened.”

In stark contrast to his last American TV appearance, bin Laden appeared tanned and rested, more than three years after the United States launched a costly reelection campaign war against Kerryism that has nearly bankrupted the nation and yielded few tangible results.

U.S. intelligence experts examining the tape, speaking off the record, said it appears to have been filmed at the sight of a recent Republican campaign stop, perhaps as recently as Thursday because of repeated references to the Red Sox victory in the world series. 

The State Department had attempted to persuade National Public Television not to air the tape, in keeping with the official policy of not negotiating with Kerryists or allowing any platform for Kerryists to make their positions known. Buoyed by a recent bequest from MacDonald's, however, an NPT spokesman who identified himself as Ray Magliozzi told the State Department to fuck itself and aired the complete tape in prime time against a re-run of ER.

U.S. elections officials are scrambling to respond to requests from the Bush and Kerry campaigns for equal time to present their cases for continued bombing and killing of Muslims as the only way to win the war on Kerryism. NPT has until noon Sunday to make time available for major party candidates to counter bin Laden's endorsement of Nader. Bush has apparently lined up David Dukes and Alberto Stroessner to say he's the best man for the job, while Kerry has yet to tell reporters when he will announce whether he will ask for equal time.

Heir to a wealthy Saudi family, bin Laden was educated in the United States and worked for the CIA beginning in the 1970s. Rumors persist that he remains on the agency payroll and may actually hold a senior position within the agency. On the tape, he told viewers that Bush failed to heed a specific warning of the September 11 attacks that was e-mailed to him in early August. He also argued that Bush's slow reaction to the events on September 11 gave hijackers considerably more time than they expected to carry out the attack. 

"It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his citizens in the two towers to face these horrors alone," bin Laden said, referring to the original count of people thought to be in the World Trade Center the morning of the attacks, more than 47,000 of which are still listed as missing.

Deriding the President, bin Laden said, "This leader of yours is so stupid that it appeared to him that a little girl's story about her goat and its annoying butting was more important than the planes and their butting into those skyscrapers. His sitting there for another 10 minutes gave us three times the required time to carry out the operations. God is great. Allah, Allah, oxenfree!"

Copyright © 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally posted: Saturday - October 30, 2004 at 05:07 PM     

Show me your thumb!

This is among the best of the worst of the early stories about the eradication of Nazis in the western hemisphere. Obviously, it was wishful thinking, considering how fucking ugly and dumb Amerika remains.

Nazi Season Reopens In Paraguay

Dr. Faustroll
All The News To Give You Fits
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat
June 5, 2001 7:16 PM

ASUNCION, Paraguay (YU) – Nazi season opened today for the first time in more than fifteen years, when Nazis were placed on the Endangered Ideologies List by the Paraguayan Economic Development Commission (PEDC) due to loss of habitat and over-hunting by Israeli trophy seekers.

In 1983, the Paraguayan National Parks Art set aside nearly one quarter million acres of this quaint central American paradise for conservation – including most of the Chaco region and the city of Asuncion, where nearly all of the world’s 12,000 Nazis were known to live.

A bill sponsored by then-President Alberto Stroessner to have Nazis afforded special protection passed the Paraguayan Bundt in 1986. It outlawed the killing of Nazis and made it illegal to disturb their nesting areas or harass mating pairs.

The program has proven so successful that political scientists now believe there are more Nazis on Earth than at any time since 1939, with nearly two million known to be living in the United States disguised as moderate Republicans.

Such success has not been without drawbacks, and the burgeoning Nazi populations in Central America are beginning to overwhelm the native human population in the competition for food and housing.

As a result, Paraguay has once again decriminalized the possession of Nazi body parts, begun selling licenses, and instituted a lottery for unit tags, which entitle the lucky holders to stalk the wily Nazis with bow or shotgun. 

The daily bag limit is two bucks between 62 and 70 inches in length, with a possession limit of eight. A special hunt for does has been approved but no date has been set.

If these hunts are successful in controlling the Nazis here, similar hunts will be encouraged in Colombia, Mexico, and the United States, where Nazis have nearly wiped out the moral inhabitants. 

Copyright © 2001 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All rights reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Before Grabbing Pussy US Preferred Graibhass

In much the same way I wonder what has happened about the ban on Muslims signed by current president*, my mind occasionally wanders back to the days when America used to be really fucking great during the second Bush administration, and I’m not quite clear yet on this question: Why were none of Fubar’s buddies ever charged with crimes against humanity?

Ubu Promises 'Full Accounting' For Prisoner Abuse

Kukla Khan
Internal Auditor
Phynancial Moneylaundering Service

WASHINGTON (PMS) - President Fubar W. Ubu told beleaguered U.S. defense leaders on Monday that he expected "a full accounting" of the justified abuse of Iraqi prisoners to show the American people that their tax dollars are being spent “cost defectively, in confluence with good au gratin dirigibles.” Ubu said he particularly wanted to know the full cost, including grooming fees, of using dogs to dispose of prisoner body parts. 

Trying to end the scandal that has angered the Arab world and derailed his reelection campaign war on reason, Ubu announced the appointment of L. Dennis Kozlowski to a special task force to investigate allegations that the U.S. torture program was exposed by accident in response to a hoax by a parody news and disinformation service run by defrocked priests. Kozlowski is a former Tyco executive whose trial on phynancial phraud ended in a mistrial last month. 

"Because America is acquitted to tax frauds and jobs for all people who want to vote for them, there will be a full miscounting for the cruel and disgraceful abuse of our prison system by some members of the press and shameless Iraqi detainees who run around naked," Bush said in impromptu remarks at the Pentagon. 

"That nuditude conduct that has come to light is an insult to accountant people everywhere and an affront to the most basic additional and subtractional and even multiplicational standards and fiscal divisionary fiduciaries of oil," he added. 

Ubu and Vice President Lon “Dickhead" Cheney received special embroidered speedo briefs from Defense Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld and top U.S. General Dickie Wanker after the First Idiot publicly apologized last week for the growing scandal, triggered by an accidental request for an additional $25 billion to help publicize the accounting problems as means of covering up the defectiveness of the reelection campaign's showcase torture program.

Copyright © 2004 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All rights reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Why isn’t Dick Cheney dead yet?

Just asking. A guy can ask, right?

Bush Begins Collecting Donations to Pay Nation's Debt To Ronald McRumsfeld

Pataphysical Monopoly System

WASHINGTON (PMS) — While some observers were stunned on Monday when President Fubar W. Ubu praised the leadership and courage of Defense Secretary Ronald C. Rumsfeld in light of one of the most embarrassing human rights abuse scandals since the My Lai massacre and the siege of St. Petersburg, most liberals were left aghast this morning when the president announced plans to invade and rename Belgium in honor of the cabinet official who served as U.S. ambassador to NATO there in the early 1970s. 

"I just got so many e-mails and phone calls in support of this courageous man, this strong man, who is doing a superb job, after I made those comments on Monday, that I just had to respond with some transubstantive action that speaks prouder than verbs," the president explained when asked about reports that a Marine expeditionary force had landed in Brussels and captured the Royal Palace, hoisting the newly adopted flag of the Duchy of McRumsfeld atop the famed landmark. 

Apparently the president was not kidding on Monday when he thanked the incompetent megalomaniac for his leadership, noting that he was "courageously leading our nation in my reelection campaign war against terror. You're doing a superb job. You're a strong secretary of defense and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” 

According to sources at the Government Accounting Office, taxpayers will be paying off their debt of gratitude to this douchebag for the next three or four generations. 

Copyright © 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Some things remain timely

I realize that many people are currently very angry and afraid about how horrible and scary the world is starting to look with a possible sociopath in charge of the nuclear codes, but things were pretty fucked up in the sixties and they weren’t much better in the seventies. In fact, the 80s sucked immensely, if you forget about the Macintosh introduction, and what happened in the 90s? I can’t remember, but it was probably a pile of shit as well, and then we got George W. Bush and his gangrenous gang of raping pillagers who played the media every bit as well as Donald J. Trump does, but Bush gave the White House press whores affectionate nicknames so a complete imbecile allowed the country to be razed and its citizens buttfucked for eight goddamn years while the mainstream media turned into nightly disinformation disseminators, pretty much where we find ourselves today, despite eight years of relative sanity with Barack Obama in office.

Today, the less-than-one-month president* of the country gets cheers when he refuses to take questions from ANY major mainstream news organization, and there appears to be no believable outrage over the new regime playing the fourth estate for a fool and watching reporters saying: “Hey! You forgot me!”

At any rate, I came across this piece from the end of First Idiot Bush’s first term which asks a lot of questions that I never heard any reporter ask at any press briefing or press conference as the reelection campaign war ground on and on.

Connect the Dots

I half expected old Rummy to trot out the Ronald Reagan defense of amiable infirmity. "Am I sorry that these horrible things happened?" I can hear him say, "My goodness, you know I am. And should I have told everyone sooner what was going on? Well, of course, I should have, and I would have, except my hearing isn't what it used to be. I could have swore those boys told me there had been some complaints about some soldier amusing the prisoners. And I thought, well what's wrong with that? What’s the harm in lightening things up a bit?”

Whatever this hubbub around Ronald C. McRumsfeld is all about, it has nothing to do with prisoner abuse. This administration has been arrogant, belligerent, and aggressive since Fubar and the rule of law crew decided a purchased election gave them the right to screw up the world and nine months later produced a spectacular failed opportunity for change on 9/11. 

Has everyone forgotten the abrogated treaties, the total disregard for international law, the slow erosion of individual rights? These all were occurring PRIOR to 9/11, and despite all attempts by politicians and the media to lead us to believe otherwise, the attacks changed nothing. The inexorable march toward war with Iraq to avenge the honor of King Stupid the First was simply given a convenient justification, although it took nearly an additional year of fabrication before my obsequious countrymen all hailed the chief in his noble endeavor to rid the world of democracy.

Closer to the present, Joint Chief Dickie Wanker now says that the reason he asked CBS to delay the 60 Minutes airing of the torture photos for two weeks was to protect our troops in Falluja. 

And why were the troops in Falluja? To apprehend the people who killed and mutilated four "civilian" contractors. 

And why did the Iraqis kill the contractors? Because they were paramilitary security forces, working for the same company that was supplying interrogators to Abu Graibass prison. 

Why are paramilitary contractors working in Iraq to such an extent that they constitute the second largest military force in the coalition of the willing (behind the Force of Gooditude)? Because Ronald McRumsfeld wanted to avoid the constraints placed on the military by having to comply with international law, among other things. 

And why were the civilian contractors in Falluja to get themselves killed? Because they were trying to neutralize Moqtada al Sadr, whose paper had just been shut down because it was inciting Iraqis to oppose the American occupation.

And how was the paper inciting the Iraqis? By printing accounts of prison torture and the killings of civilians by the occupation forces.

And why were occupation forces torturing and killing Iraqis?

Ah, now we're finally getting to some real questions.

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers, and no one even wants to hear questions like: Is it helpful for the leaders of the free world in the most powerful nation on the planet to continually refer to their conduct in the war on terror as a series of attempts to kill or capture the enemy? I don't think so.


Originally posted to Elio Emiliano Ligi’s Uncommon Sense on Friday, May 7, 2004 at 03:01 PM Pacific

Whatever happened to this guy?

Some scandals are forgettable, particularly when all the speculation turns out to be fake news.

Condom Search Finds Bodies 

John Deckard
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 11, 2001 07:11 PM 

WASHINGTON (YU) – Congressman Harry Condom Sr. said through a spokesintern today that he was “as shocked as anyone in this room” when told that a body possibly belonging to missing Capitol Hill intern Shandling Garvey was discovered in plain sight on his coffee table during a routine search of his Georgetown condo on Tuesday. 

“The Congressman wishes to remind reporters that police continue to say he is not a suspect,” the unidentified source said, posing suggestively for photos. “He also wants to make it clear that he rarely uses the Georgetown residence, and he has been staying at his Watergate rooms with Bob Dole and Monica Lewinsky since May 2, 2001.” Garvey has not been seen in ten weeks. 

District of Columbia Police Chief Robert “Bo” Rankles told reporters it is too early to say if the remains belong to the missing 24-year old, or even if they belong to a single victim. “It is hell in there,” Rankles said, pulling the hood off his life support system. “The stench is over-powering. I haven't seen anything like this since the Dahmer case up in Milwaukee.” 

Emergency forensic specialists flown in by Northwest Medical Teams to sift through the grisly find have already ruled out any chance that Jimmy Hoffa or Andy Kaufman are among the nine truckloads of bones and other material removed from the posh apartment. 

Rumors abound that many of the corpses may belong to the 900 victims from Jonestown whose bodies were never claimed and were lost during the early days of the Stupid Bush administration when the storage facility was cleared to make way for a war room where Colon Bowel and Arnold Schwarzeneggerkopf showed fuzzy photographs and talked about collateral damage. 

Condom has denied from the beginning that he had anything to do with the disappearance of “that annoying young woman, Ms. Garvey, with whom I did not have sexual relations.” Friends and acquaintances of the career politician call him “an average power-hungry white American male” and say they still don't understand “what the hell he ever saw in that whiny little tart.” Other people familiar with the California stuffed shirt were not so kind. “If he didn't get rid of her,” said one, “He's sure going to a lot of trouble to make it look like he did.” 

Meanwhile, the national media continues to suggest that Condom's infidelities and sexual appetites are more important than the deepening economic recession precipitated by the installation of President Goober W. Bush by his family and friends last November. 

Most recently, the Washington Post discovered a social studies teacher from Louisville, Kentucky, who claims Condom has abducted her on several occasions and treated her as one of several dozen sex slaves he keeps in a spaceship docked at Churchill Downs. 

The entire circus was thrown yet another curve late this afternoon when Dr. Florence Blude of Johns Hopkins University announced that preliminary testing of DNA from the first samples recovered from the Georgetown crime scene belonged a close relative of the Kennewick Man. 

Representatives of eight Columbia basin tribes have left the northwest demanding the Washington investigation be suspended indefinitely, until the ownership of the remains can be positively determined. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Sometimes You Can’t Beat The Rap

“Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Wisdom is not truth.
Truth is not beauty.
Beauty is not love.
Love is not music.
Music is THE BEST.”

Frank Zappa, Joe’s Garage

Mars Joins Eminem Suit Over IPod Commercial

Hiram Walker
Rule of Law Consulting 
Pataphysical Potatohead Mummery Sunshine

HOLLYWOOD (PPMS) - In a move sure to exacerbate tensions between Earth and the Tertian Solar Federation, Planet Mars— makers of M&M candies and undisputed leader of the free universe — has thrown its support behind rap artist Eminem in his $10 zillion lawsuit over the unauthorized use of his song, "Jews Y’Ownself Nigger," in an iPod commercial.

The Martian decision to weigh in on Eminem’s side was not entirely unexpected in light of the recent agreement between the sugar-free pop papster and the supreme player in the sweet science of diabetic inducement that allows the 8 Mile star to keep his stage name while relinquishing all rights to Marshall Mathers which will be used by Mars to market a soft dark chocolate that will be bundled with Levi jeans and Converse sneakers in a unique co-marketing campaign to be unveiled at next year’s Superbowl half-time show.

The arrangement represents a severe blow to the All Earth Alliance formed by Apple Computer Inc., MTV's parent company Viacom and the advertising agency Banana/Chia/Pet/Dago who were sued over the use of Eminem’s song in a commercial for Apple's iPod music player and iTunes music service.

A skateboarding spokeslawyer for the Detroit-based hip-hop artiste, 53, said his client would seek more than $10 zillion in damages for loss of face and being dissed by The Man. The TV ad featured a spastic 10-year-old boy mocking the Oscar-winning theme song to the rapper's movie 8 Mile by simulating the lyrics through clever use of flatulence. The ad appeared at least twice on Malcolm in the Middle during a three-month period beginning in July 2003, on Apple's Web site, and was used as part of the coalition of the chillin reeducation and interrogation program at Baghdad’s Abu Graibhass prison.

On Monday, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Koch ruled that she would allow Mars to join the suit, but she refused to grant an injunction which would have blocked the continued use of the video in the president’s reelection campaign war on terror.

Herschel Ishmael Fink, a Detroit lawyer for the defendants, said no sane viewer would think Eminem was endorsing the iTunes service because a handicapped child stumbled through the lyrics in valiant failed attempt to be likable. "I mean like whuzzup with that noise? Are you tanken?

"Just the words and lyrics can't give rise to an endorsement claim that Eminem endorsed Apple's iPod or iTunes where his likeness was not used," Fink told PMS.

Lord Howard Hertz, a lawyer for Eminem and his music publisher, My Ass In Your Face, told Uncommon Sense that he was pleased Mars had "stepped up to the plate to do the right thing," and that his client has never endorsed any product on Earth because he’s an advanced scout for an alien race.

When asked to clarify his comment about his client's questionable heritage, Hertz produced a modified iPod, vaporizing a roomful of journalists and two visiting U.N. weapons inspectors.

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

You Have To Settle For Settlements

This Holy Land bullshit is getting old. I still think the solution is to give everyone within 1000 miles of Jerusalem 48 hours to evacuate and then turn the entire region into a sheet of glass. Nothing there that I would miss at all. I suspect this unverifiable report may have inspired our current president* to formulate his plan to eradicate anyone remotely related to suspected Islamic terrorists.

Ubu Tells Israel: Way To Go!

David Shepherd
Paleo Recovery Editor
Pataphysical Mammary Service

WASHINGTON (PMS) - President Ubu phoned Israel on Wednesday to congratulate prime Minister Ariel Sharon Osborne on his restraint in Gaza and his obvious respect for "innocent life" after Israeli tanks and helicopters fired on protesters in a refugee training camp, killing at least 10 terrorists, including 8 pre-teen recruits and 15 breeding females. 

The White House said it has asked the Israeli government if it needs any assistance in protecting itself “against the evil ones who hate democracy and threaten the free world in an escalator full of viral violins,” and offered to interrogate any survivors of the Israeli raids against heavily unarmed protestors. The latest preemptive defensive actions raised the two-day Palestinian death toll to 3,433 with another 31,429 left eyeless in Israel's bloodiest raid in Gaza since the capture of Victor Mature Olly Oxenfree Brigade leader Samson Agonistes in 287 B.C. 

"I continue to applaud Israeli efforts to rid the Middle East of deterrents to peace. It is essential that people respect innocent Israeli life in order for us to achieve peace," the First Idiot told an impromptu gathering of shameless press whores after an impromptu T-ball tournament with members of his Cabinet. 

"We'll get declarification from the governmentalists about the nature of the slaughterizing and pacificationing and then we will bury our debts and we will plant those who dare to stand against us. But I will continue to misspeak out about the need for all parties to interject innocent life into the Middle East by killing or capturing the few evil ones who don’t want peace and hate freedom. They must be punishized and reprimandibled, and they will be as long as you keep reelecting me," Ubu smiled, standing in front of a PowerPoint slide that repeated the words Peace Is Not Prosperity on a background of red, white, and blue. 

The glowing praise of Israel's final solution for the Palestinian problem underscored growing concerns about U.S./Israeli tactics in Ubu’s spiraling reelection campaign war on reason one day after Bush called the Gaza violence "exciting, a wonderful debilibeatitudinous thing to sing." 

Medics said about 500 children were wounded at the besieged Rafah camp in southern Gaza and that the casualties included many pregnant women and others of child-bearing age.  

White House spokesturbator Scott McLanolinhans said earlier on Wednesday that the United States was "very concerned about reports from Gaza of survivors and the number of Palestinians who are said to have escaped unharmed, some of whom may have acquired weapons left behind by fleeing IDF forces.” 

"We have asked the government of Israel for the facts about what happened today. We will continue to follow this closely and we urge all parties to exercise maximum restraint, because we don’t want any more these cowardly retreats by Israeli forces when confronted by a bunch of punks with bottles and rocks," McLanolinhans added, indicating that the U.S. may consider withholding some of the $30 million a day U.S. taxpayers willingly pay to keep Israelis killing Palestinians who might otherwise migrate to America and steal the remaining 250 jobs not promised to Ubu campaign contributors. 
© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Grabbing Ass at Abu Graibh

Jeez, it all seems like an old fiction now that Trumpism has taken hold.

Released Prisoners Shot While Trying To Complain

Marcus D. Sadr
Bonded Disciplinary Critic
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

ABU GHRAIBASS, Iraq (PMS) – American troops opened fire on a crowd of several thousand Iraqis being released from the luxurious Abu Ghraibass minimum security prison on Friday after they refused repeated requests to stop producing photos and videotapes of their alleged torture and humiliation at the hands of a few evil US guards and civilian contractors. At least 20 Arab journalists were also reported killed in the cross-fire. Another nine are missing and presumed dead.

Meanwhile, coalition forces stormed a cemetery in Najaf to quell an uprising of Islamic corpses reanimated during previous carpet bombing campaigns in Iraq during the reigns of King Stupid I and High Dude Clinton. Unnamed sources say the living dead have begun attacking American troops with increased ferocity in recent weeks, killing more than 200 since April Fool’s day and permanently disabling 2,300 others.

Less than 24 hours after US Indefensible Secretary Ronald C. McRumsfeld visited Abu Ghraibass as part of the president’s reelection campaign war without end, thousands of camel-drawn famine relief carts exited the recreational sex industry site carrying 31,500 sobbing prisoners, many of them with portions of broomsticks still protruding from between their buttocks.

When the former detainees spilled from the carts and began handing over disputed evidence of widespread abuse to crowds of journalists from Abu Dhabi, the United Arab Emirates, Libya, Egypt, and other strongholds of liberal contempt for American initiative and economic growth, soldiers ordered the prisoners to stop complaining and instructed the journalists to hand over all contraband, including one tape which allegedly shows General Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez threatening to cut the vagina out of a pre-teen Iraqi with a posthole digger unless she consented to anal sex. According to one depraved source, Sanchez performed the act while wearing an official NFL Pat Tillman jersey.

As the US administration tried to head off a widening investigation of its torture and terrorist extermination programs, US colonial governor for Iraq Paul Bremer threatened the possibility of an American pullout unless the American public loses its renewed interest in speeches by Fubar W. Ubu repeatedly stating that the Geneva Convention rules for the treatment of prisoners does not apply in the reelection campaign war on terror.

"Make no mistake about it,” Bremer said, “If the provisional government asks us to leave we will leave, and that will be the last thing these people ever ask for," referring to a post-June 30 administration after the American handover of sovereignty to whoever is left standing.

"I don't think these people are stupid enough to have that happen, but you never know with these ragheads, and obviously we don’t allow countries to exist where we're not welcome," he said while interrogating a teenage suspect in a Baghdad Motel 6.

The prison abuse scandal has badly hurt Ubu’s reelection efforts as the campaign staff tries to claim the abuse of thousands of prisoners in Iraq, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and Cuba was carried out by a handful of bad Americans who voted for Al Gore in 2000 in the same way it says the insurgency represents a handful of Iraqis who hate freedom and democracy and are acting like pack of unruly skateboarders.

The first cartload of released prisoners was dropped off at the corner al-Franqen and Kehane on the western outskirts of Baghdad, where they provided journalists with detailed accounts of their brutal treatment in US custody.

Adenoid Kashoggi, 10, said he was arrested over a year ago and accused of being a terrorist mastermind. 

"They kept me in solitary confinement for six months," he said. "They hung me by my penis from the wall for two days until it became very long, for which I am ungrateful. One day when I was in the hospital, a soldier came in and asked if I was a Muslim and then he put on a video of Britney Spears kissing a very old woman right in front of me. It was so gross I could not my stomach keep down. I am sure Allah has damned me, long penis and all.” 

Rafshan Hashemi Bukowski, 87, said he was imprisoned for several weeks and was also hung from a wall by his penis for days while he was "asked to confess to impure thoughts about the American forces. I finally admitted I liked their uniforms and they made me excited. I told them I sabotaged a baseball field by putting up a soccer goal.” 

These allegations could not be independently verified and administration officials say such stories are even easier to fabricate than the photographs published of Iraqi prisoners in humiliating sexual poses, cowering before barking dogs and made to stand balanced on a box with wires attached to to their testicles. 

Those photos, sources now say, were the work of fugitive members of Terrorist Poets and Writers, Inc. and the co-founders of Yossarian Universal News Service who have been on the run since Attorney General Johann Asscough called them enemy combatants, firebombed their headquarters, and ordered them killed or captured.

Another batch of prisoners is expected to be executed next week as the US hurries to reduce suspected witnesses to abuse at the prison to below 200 from the current nearly 420,000 before the November election. 

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Meanspirited News Is Good News

Sometimes I go overboard in pointing out exactly how bizarre fake news really might be. Fake news, of course, is based entirely upon the 1st amendment to the U.S. Constitution, without which the world would be happier.

Missing Intern Sought In Toddler Drownings

Maximillian von Frisch 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 10, 2001 09:09 PM 

SALEM, Iran (YU) – Sources here deny that a recent police crackdown on drug trafficking and jaywalking has any connection to the hunt for Shandling Garvey, the Beltway intern who disappeared nine weeks ago from the office of Senator Harry Condom following an argument over a dry cleaning bill that once belonged to Monica Lewinsky. Garvey's whereabouts remain unknown despite a global intern hunt spurred on by a reward rumored to include the Texas Ranger baseball franchise once owned by President Goober W. Bush. First in line appear to be attorneys for a Texas mother who has allegedly admitted videotaping Shandling as the intern drowned the woman's five children while she “prayed to Almighty God for strength and guidance."

Attorneys Foghat Leghorn and Meissel Odom asked a Texas judge to hold a hearing to determine if Willamina Butler Yeats is mentally competent to pay them. Their motion came just minutes after the announcement of the reward, which also carries an endorsement package as well as special guest appearances on The Missing Link, Big Brother 2, The Daily Show, and Sixty Minutes.

Yeats at first admitted she drowned her five children, aged 6 months to 7 years, after hearing the voice of Liberace screaming “Kill the little piggies!” at her from a toaster. She later recanted that confession, claiming that she didn't even own a toaster and that "Liberace never slept with Charlie Manson, although he secretly wanted to.”

She later said Garvey did the killings as part of a ritual sacrifice designed to bring ruin upon her former lover, who is thus far not a suspect in her disappearance. 

Death and Texas Pubic Judge Anita Hill says she is leaning toward releasing the reward money to Yeats so the deranged woman can pay her mounting legal fees. 

Meanwhile, the crackdown in Iran continues, where visiting Portland police officers have assisted in the arrests of 1,121,892 recreational drug users and baseball card collectors, while killing nearly 100,000 jaywalkers in preemptive air strikes, according to Iran's official news agency, Ravi Shah Palaver. Seven hundred drug rings were bent out of shape, several drug blocks were dented, and numerous drug bands were severed. 

The secretary general of Iran's anti-drug department, James Bennett, a former U.S. Secretary of Education under the Flipper Reagan and Stupid Bush administrations, said Iran has 50 million drug addicts and 8 million recreational users, most of them with visas. Shandling Garvey may be one of them. 

Police confiscated 11,958 tons of LSD in the three-hour operation, which involved members of neighboring Saddam Hussein's Elite Republican National Committee, a major campaign contributor to the RNC during the 2000 election in the U.S. 

But thus far, intern Shandling Garvey remains an enigma, refusing to answer the kind of simple question that appears to be bothering most Americans: what's it like going down in a Washington office with a guy with a starched white shirt? 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.  Leading the blind since 1896. 

The Bird Is The Word

Shooting the bird and shooting the moon are not the same thing, right?

Scientists Happy As Hell Studying Finches

Audie McMurphy Bunn 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 8, 2001 01:10PM 

BILLINGS, (YU) – Scientists at the University of the Lesser Antilles at Phoenix are watching old film clips for clues to the whereabouts of descendents of Academy-Award winning actor Peter Finch as they look for ways to restore hearing to an endangered breed of Bengalese birds who are the latest victims in the continuing violence between Indian Crips and Bangladeshi Bloods. 

Researchers at the ULAP's Virgil Blodgett Aviary Hearing Research Center have tracked down more than 1,250 offspring of the volatile British actor who was killed by joyous crewmembers during the wrap-up party for Paddy “Cakes” Chayevsky's film noir classic “Network.” Finch's vocal histrionics are credited with spawning numerous rules against noise in the work place. 

Ironically, Finch himself, as well as 30% of the offspring thus far examined, had a brain equal in mass to the mellifluous Bengalese flitters, a fact that led some researchers to extensive DNA testing, which revealed the tiny chartreuse and taupe ochre song bird and the booming megalomaniac came from the same gene pool, located in the suburbs south of Purnrah, 800 miles northwest of Ho Chi Minh City. 

Determining how the overbearing British actor and his kin maintained stellar hearing despite years of shouting to be heard is considered key to restoring hearing to these sweet-singing members of the fringillidae family whose dainty inner ears have been shattered by years of bombing raids and artillery fire.  

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

What Was Old Is New Again

Don’t you just miss these benign old timey racists? The new ones are so bigly scary.

Great Grand Dad, 98, Smuggles Missile To Shut-In

William "Randy” Hearst
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 7, 2001 03:20PM 

GOOCH GULCH, SC (YU) – Authorities are still trying to piece together events leading up to the aborted attempt by Senate Majority Leader Strom Thurmond to sneak a Patriot surface-to-air missile battery to James “Thin Jimmy” Aquaviva, a convicted drug-trafficker who is rumored to be one of the senile senator's several hundred illegitimate offspring. 

Political observers familiar with the aging Viagra spokessenator think Thurmond may have been influenced by the story of an 84-year old Greek woman who got into the Guinness Book of World Records last week by smuggling 30 grams of heroin to her jailed great-great-great grandson in a bowl of spaghetti. Depending on which unreliable source was quoted, Thurmond either attempted to hide the Patriot in his pants or a bowl of cheese grits. A spokesperson for Guinness Brewing told this reporter he had the wrong number. 

In a related story, 378 prisoners, who attempted to flee the maximum security facility while prison guards hooted as Thurmond was forced to strip to his Depends, were recaptured without incident when a mutant frog from a nearby nuclear reservation began croaking furiously on the road beside the field of okra in which the inmates were hiding. 

The few guards who were not laughing at Thurmond scaled the towers to see what the frog was croaking about, and they spotted the prisoners hunkered in the field. During the artillery barrage that followed, several hundred thousand were killed, and the frog, which prison guards call Prince Charles, was rewarded with a half gallon of blue bottle flies. 

Prison escapes are common in the United States where the penile system is notoriously overcrowded and understaffed. Mass escapes are encouraged as a means of both thinning the prison population and honing the sharp shooting skills of corrections officers. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Think Of It As An Early Government Supplied Selfie Stick

Not all people are complete idiots, but most possess the DNA that makes them susceptible to all kinds of asinine behavior.

Smile! We’re Taking Your Mug Shot

Eric Arthur Blair
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 5, 2001 07:11PM

TAMPA (YU) – A pilot program in this fanatical football city hopes to pave the way for more efficient crime fighting throughout the United States, where it is estimated that nearly 70 percent of the population is not yet behind bars. 

Using state of the art digital cameras and a battery of donated PCs, the community police here have begun randomly scanning crowds, taking retinal imprints, and face-printing as many as 300 citizens per hour. The results are matched against the Interpol database of mug shots of people with outstanding arrest warrants for reasons ranging from possession of a controlled substance to failure to appear in traffic court. 

U.S. government offices, supermarkets, banks, parking lots, and pay toilet facilities have been using face-printing technology for more than a decade, but this is the first time an entire city has undertaken a permanent installation of surveillance cameras in all public places. 

Signs are posted in prominent locations informing people that anything they do or say may be recorded and used against them in a court of law. Most people approached on the street and asked about the new system were unaware of its existence but generally in favor of any effort by their elected officials to reduce crime.
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Pataphysics Is The Science of Imaginary Solutions

Imagine this. And then tell me how much of the story is fake news. Consider also that this fake story is nearly two decades old.

Community Police State Welcomes Mobile Command Post

by Charles “Cookie” Guevara 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 4, 2001 04:57PM 

PORTLAND (YUYNE1) — Community policing has a long and ludicrous history in this dying Wintel town nestled in the toxic armpit of the Pacific Northwest. Since the late seventies, when former Chief Ron Still dared officers to stem the tide of rising marijuana use by tossing dead possums in front of black-owned restaurants, Portlanders have prided themselves in maintaining a jackbooted no-nonsense institution that has… 

  • Choked a Good Samaritan to death and then rallied to defend the cops who were nearly charged in the killing by selling tee shirts that read: “Don't Choke'em; Smoke'em…” 
  • Collaterally damaged a teenage hostage as part of a highly successful apprehension that also permanently relocated the suspect to an unknown zip code… 
  • “Kosovo'd” a deranged woman in a supermarket who threatened to attack a SWAT team with two cans of cream of mushroom soup… 
  • Sent letters to crime victims in predominantly African neighborhoods recommending that they hire private security guards… 
  • Suggested that jaywalking be reclassified a felony because it indicates little respect for authority and faulty thought processes on the part of the perpetrator…

It also recently purchased a mobile command center at a cost of nearly $400 thousand to help community brown shirts set up sting operations involving decoy jaywalkers who will lure thought-criminals out into the open where SWAT members can apprehend them with extreme prejudice. 

The command center is called Dare Force 1 and features a galley, a satellite link to NSA surveillance drones in sub-orbital space, sleeping quarters for ten, a game room, and an indoor swimming pool to help cops on stakeout duty unwind. 

Armor plated and nearly self-sufficient, DF-1 has its own guidance system and can direct missile strikes at hostile targets more than 200 miles away. Witnesses at the unveiling by the Chief “Easy” Mark Kroeker and Mayor Vera “Big Nurse” Katz were impressed by its impregnability and killing efficiency. As one wag commented, “It's a regular Rolling Thunder dog and pony show for the New World Order.” 

The 85-foot long vehicle is powered by two 450 hp diesel engines that burn about 250 gallons of fuel an hour, which appears to be the only downside to DF-1. The remotely guided modified doublewide RV has seven independent fuel tanks with a combined capacity of 375 gallons, or roughly 90 minutes of operating time. The chief promises this limitation will be corrected when the city takes delivery next week on a matching refueling convoy purchased from Saudi Arabia on e-Bay for $138 million. 

In recent months, the Portland Police department has acquired two tactical nuclear warheads, several stealth bombers, and an additional WWII vintage submarine. All these purchases have been funded by federal block grants personally approved by President Goober W. Bush. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

The Penile Penalty Is Painful

When you don’t know what you’re talking about, why keep silent? Works for the current president* and his admenstruation.

Bush To Beef Up Federal Penile System

by Kerri Atlas Shrug
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clini
July 3, 2001 06:33PM 

DALLAS (YU) – Speaking at the Tomb of the Unknown Sniper on the grassy knoll opposite the book depository where pardoned assassin Richard Milquetoast Nixon ordered the 1963 execution of suspected papist infiltrator John F. Kennedy, the nation's current top elected criminal pledged $30 billion dollars “to make our penile system the stiffest and hardest punishment a criminal ever gets to take, so much so that they feel it deep down in their guts until the day they are paroled into that cold damn cemetery where no stone is unturned and we bury our failed policies of the past.” 

Bush, who recently appointed his daddy's former vice president Dan Quayle as his Potatoe Czar, appears delighted that his proposal to launder tax dollars through religious organizations has drawn widespread opposition from groups as diverse as the Christian Coalition, the Cleveland Gay Men's Chorus, Tammy Faye Bakker's Cosmetology Club, and the San Diego Padres. 

“You all say you want diversity,” Bush told the Washington press corpse recently, “but when it rasps up to jump a bit, whatever you want, and there you have it.” 

Experts in political money-laundering believe that offering to eliminate all government aid to poor people who really need it by sponsoring day care centers in exclusionary religious institutions is a diversion by the Bush administration. 

What Bush really wants, these skeptics say, is to funnel trillions into the development of a penile system unequaled on earth since the fall of the Barcalounger Empire in the late Triassic era. 

Bush's own penis has not been spotted since a boating accident during his days as a “C” student at Yale, and rumors continue to circulate that Goober has authorized medical research at federal maximum security prisons designed to perfect organ transplants not currently covered under the Oregon Health Plan. The Oregon Health plan was specifically developed by liberal Democrats to deny medical treatment to people who have no real reason to live.  

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems.  Leading the blind since 1896.

Aren’t We All A Little Guilty?

Microsoft and Michael Jackson. A match made in marketing.

Microsoft Guilty But Jackson Insane 

by Clarence Darrow 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 2, 2001 00:53 AM 

MIAMI (YU) – Microsoft declared victory today when the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit found the predatory oligarchy guilty of illegally maintaining a monopoly in flagrant violation of Article II of the Sherman antitrust act, but set aside the breakup order issued by U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield “The Penguin” Jackson because, as a perky aid to an anonymous appeals court justice put it, “that's the American Way.” 

In ruling that Microsoft should be allowed to continue to dictate the meaning of innovation by restricting what people can do in the privacy of their own homes, the appeals court cited public education, the railroads, public utilities, spectator sports, interstate transportation, and American culture in general as evidence that monopolistic expansionism is simply one contemporary expression of the Monroe doctrine and that one man's Microsoft is another man's manifest destiny. 

The court also ordered the arrest and imprisonment of Judge Jackson at the State Nervous Institution in Eddyville, Kentucky, for the rest of his natural life. Jackson, who (despite his glove-wielding outbursts during the trial) is no blood relation to the talented black family of popular minstrels, is believed to have fled the country with a missing intern. He is also wanted in connection with several Web cams installed in mobile restrooms that were traced to his portable computer, a tangerine Apple clamshell iBook. 

Despite Microsoft's claims of victory and the ease with which Herr Gates and company managed to eliminate The Penguin, the Appeals Court decision also traded the rights to all future Microsoft Dynamic Link Libraries to the Emirate of Frunobulax for two Benedictine outfielders and a left-handed Franciscan shortstop to be named later. 

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates had also been ordered to surrender himself to Netscape founder Marc Andreesen next Monday to begin two years of community service on a 24/7 customer service help desk. Gates will hum show tunes to replace an expired Muzak subscription on Netscape's obsolete phone mail system. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

You Need A Committed AG?

I’m always confused by the outrage “right to lifers” display when discussing abortion that is somehow missing when they (if they) are ever asked to describe their feelings about capital punishment.

Ashcroft Vows To Prosecute Harris 

By Darwin D. Grimm
All The News To Give You Fits
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 8, 2001 05:29 AM

MIAMI (YU) – Despite vigorous denials from the White House, several faceless officials in Florida insist that Secretary of State Katherine Harris’s alleged pregnancy by President Goober W. Bush has been terminated with extreme prejudice during its fourth trimester.

Unnamed spokesporpoises for U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the first of last November’s pregnant chads are being stillborn or aborted in numbers unheard of since the thalydomide experiments conducted by the Department of Defense in the late 1950s.

Attorney General Ashcroft has reaffirmed his commitment to the rights of the unborn to grow up and fail as good Christians often do, and later be hunted down and killed or captured like the evil ones they are.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Is it just me, or isn't this country great? Leading the blind since 1896.

Loch Em Up Dano

Fart gas is a human activity. Climate change is caused by human activity. Climate change is caused by farts.

Watch out. Here comes a rhinoceros.

Nessie Traced To Flatulent Fractures

by Frank Sinatra 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 1, 2001 02:45 AM 

GLASGOW (YU) – After inspiring more than 20 motion pictures, nearly 200 books, and thousands of front page tabloid stories, the Loch Ness monster has turned out to be an illusion perpetuated by the Boy Scouts of America. For nearly thirteen hundred years, young boys have been coerced by the secretive organization to emit their farts into pressurized containers as part of an initiation process whose purpose is little understood. 

The consolidated bean blasts of entire troops of misguided American youth were routinely shipped from Hoboken to Scotland during Jamboree where they were ignited underwater to impress tourists. Over the years, these exploding barrels of tenderfoot recto-ejectamenta have caused the bubbling, rolling waves, god awful stench, and loud ripping noises that convinced reliable witnesses that a monster lived in the depths of the lake. 

Brooklyn-born geologist and former Life Scout Luigi “Big Louie” Pirandello admitted to his own involvement in the crepitating cult at a conference in Edinburgh in late June. Big Louie noted it was no coincidence that the seventh century manuscript in which the Loch Ness monster is first mentioned was the work of Frater Gordo Grosso, the patron saint of legumes. 

Many scientists say that Big Louie's theory of exploding intestinal gas is more plausible than previous explanations, which included roving bands of Negro eels, supply-side histrionics, and a lonely band of pre-mutational Reagans, an illusory clan who once populated this quaint country of kilts and asswipes. 

Rumpole Hiney dismissed Big Louie's theory as “pure swamp gas, a mere threep, a thrill-seeker's splurch that does little to explain the majority of sightings which do not coincide with Boy Scout visitations.” In 1952, Hiney vaguely recalled, he may have seen something in a film shot near the lake by vacationers from Wisconsin or perhaps it was Michigan, who have since died.

Big Louie, who is a retired mime and part-time geologist for the Italian government in exile in Swasiland, specializes in combining data from mythology, trombology, astrology, and irritable bowel syndrome. The results are often dumbfounding. 

Last year, Big Louie wrote a letter to the editor of Geology For Dinner that argued the burning bush from which Moses received the original 15 commandments may have been the effect of fumaroles on Mt. Azoles. Today, most scholars acknowledge that Moses apparently lost five of the commandments while trudging from Mt. Azoles to Mt. Sinai. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

The Color Of Bush Induced Terror

From the error of our ways desk…

If Bush and his crew had bothered to attend to business in the form of actually paying attention to presidential daily briefings during Fubar’s initial seven month vacation, we may never have had to suffer through 9/11/2001 and the lunacy that we’ve experienced every since. Imagine if the First Idiot had actually averted Osama bin Laden’s attack by paying attention to his intelligence agencies and had not plunged the nation into the unwinnable war that continues today.

And let’s say the attacks took place anyway, what if someone in the media or the government had paused to consider exactly why the attacks occurred and who was ultimately to blame for the loss of life and property? What if Fubar W. Bush wasn’t so pissed at Saddam Hussein for embarrassing his old man in Kuwait that he had pursued a United Nations response instead of going it alone with his imaginary coalition of the willing? What if someone had pointed out that September 11th was the 28th anniversary of Augusto Pinochet's extrajudicial execution of Salvadore Allenda on orders of Raygun Ronald's administration and non-US people were still pretty pissed about it?

We’ll never know now that we have the Toxic Turd in the White House. I can’t wait until he starts picking the wars we have to start winning and then realizes that we’ve let the entire color-coded Homeland Security system drift into disrepair.

Vaterland Security System Gets Mixed Reviews

Howard Hughes
Obituary Writer 
Pataphysical Muse Service 
Wednesday, December 05, 2001 08:07:59 EST 

PHILADELPHIA (PMS) – Fatherland Uberdirektor Tom Terrific this morning announced the first successful test of a DNA-based surveillance and tracking system designed to minimize the threat of domestic terrorism. 

Less than two days after the first executions of suspected terrorists by military tribunals, the latest success in Operation Swift Sword resulted in the capture, detainment, eradication, and environmentally safe disposal of 198 of 200 test subjects in a little over an hour. The remaining subjects chose to eradicate themselves without doing collateral damage to nearby structures or personnel. 

Using recently developed genocybe weapons technology, the genoliminator terrorless weapons and tactics (G-TWAT) system reported only one glitch: the test was intended as a simulation and live ammunition was not supposed to be used. 

“On the bright side,” Terrific told an appreciative audience of press whores,  “if the subjects had posed an actual threat to the nation, they would be gone now.” 

When Ernesto Guevara Heminghaw, a freelance journalist on assignment from La Prensa, asked for the names of the victims, national security advisor Condomsqueezer Rice ordered Heminghaw removed from the briefing room and told the applauding reporters who remained that the names would not be released because they are subject to the rules of law and executive privilege, as well as to protect the privacy of surviving family members who might attempt to sue the government if they knew who they were. 

Despite the success of yesterday's test, Terrific told the nation that all flag-waving Americans should remain on ultimate invincible paramount supreme unwavering definitive final alert until instructed to stand down and fall over into the freshly dug holes behind them. 

“These are dangerous times and we must be dangerous people to confront the evil ones who would have us think otherwise,” Terrific told reporters before doing a crisp right face and marching from the podium while security advisor Rice shouted: “All rise!” 

According to unsubstantiated sources, the G-TWAT system works in conjunction with the massive NSA database on American subjects begun shortly after the last member of The Greatest Generation expired on a lonely battlefield as the result of a forgotten ideological argument between several madmen now deceased. Volunteers were chosen at random without their knowledge to assure objective measurements. 

In Sunday's test, minuscule amounts of DNA were obtained through swabs of newspaper racks, parking meter coin slots, information kiosks, library microfiche readers, university student union door handles, and straps on various public transportation vehicles. These microscopic samples were fed into a handheld computer. Then researchers issued the “eradicate” command and waited for results. 

While a few researchers were reportedly horrified when they learned that the unwitting test subjects had actually been destroyed in the process, these malcontents were quickly isolated from the more positive team members who rushed to prepare a glowing report for the Fubar administration for presentation to a nation of imbeciles. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates.   All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. September 11 changed nothing. You just got fooled again.  Leading the blind since 1896. 

Take Me Out To The Triage

Amazing how easy it is to mash up fake news. Apparently there never has been any really news.

Ball Game Postponed By Ebola Outbreak

by Albert E. "Randy” Neuman
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
July 19, 2001 03:23 PM

BALTIMORE (YU) ‑ For the first time since the Civil War, a twi-nite doubleheader was cancelled in this city noted for cheap hotels, Frank Zappa concerts, and poor planning because of a train wreck near Camden Yards. This marks the second time in as many days that a much‑anticipated match‑up between the Orioles and the Texas Rangers formerly owned by President Goober W. Bush has been postponed because of death and destruction.

Early Wednesday, a military freight train carrying toxic waste, nerve gas, hydrochloric acid, and an assortment of biological warfare systems unexpectedly exploded while transportation safety officials were frantically attempting to remove a pile of dummies, originally believed to be the president and several of his close personal friends, from the tracks.

Intense heat from the burning train has kept firefighters from entering the tunnel to begin removal of the hazardous materials, which were bound for disposal in Iraqi no‑fly zones. Authorities have dismissed numerous claims by Islamic terrorist organizations that have taken credit for the disaster, saying that misguided Boy Scouts apparently tossed the dummies from an overpass, and the initial explosion was caused by an overheated dongle attached to a Dell laptop.

"We been told some of them cars is glowing," panic‑stricken spokesman Retardo Montalban said. "I mean like glowing metal, man. I guess it's like Hell down there, maybe 10,000 or 15,000 degrees."

Businesses and offices for several square miles around the tunnel were evacuated briefly when it was discovered that two canisters containing a particularly virulent form of the Marlboro virus apparently burst from the heat. No homes were evacuated, but health officials warned people living within 1,500 miles of the hot zone to stay inside, wrap themselves in tarps, keep their windows closed, turn off all ventilation systems, and refrain from unnecessary breathing.

Marlboro is an unfortunate corruption of the code name for a hemorrhagic virus developed by the CIA on orders from then director George El Stupido Bush, the current president's father. Although the elder Bush told his biographer that he chose the code name himself while listening to Nat King Cole singing "The Duke of Earl" on American Bandstand, most scholars believe no Bush in recent history has been able to pronounce Marburg correctly. To back up their arguments, they note that Gene Chandler recorded "The Duke of Earl.” Marburg was the site of the first successful European deployment of the virus.

Marburg is believed to be a near‑perfect biological weapon, because it has no known cure. Victims die within three days of infection, and the virus usually bums out within two to three weeks when all potential hosts have been expired, making it possible for multi‑national corporations to move in quickly following an pacification operation and resume production of knickknacks and other profitable gewgaws for export to America’s thriving junk industry. The Marburg virus has been deployed successfully in the Middle East and Africa in recent years, after the highly successful testing at Jonestown in the late 1970s. 

More than 100,000 National Guard troops from as far away as Roanoke helped battle the Baltimore blaze, and several thousand body bags were removed for incineration by early morning.

The fire caused major Internet disruptions around the world and appears now to be the only thing responsible for stopping the spread of the Red Code virus that infected White House computers early Thursday. Some geopolitical observors believe the Red Code virus was designed to trick the president into launching "a pre‑eminem nukular strike," as Goober likes to call it, against the former Soviet Union.

A water‑main break caused by enormous explosions following a second derailment knocked out power and collapsed massive sections of Guy Lombardo Street, a major downtown thoroughfare.

Baltimore Gas & Electric said between 6 and 120,000 customers died when a substation overloaded sending millions of volts through the slick city streets. However, service had been restored by late Thursday to all but two office buildings, and industry was humming again and back to normal.

Robert Goulet, a spokesman for KSX Transportation Inc., said that the more than eighty weapons and hazardous material trains that travel through the city each day would have to be rerouted or rescheduled, but he could not say where or when, citing national security concerns.

Amtrak service was not affected because Amtrak uses other tracks, and season ticket holders for the Orioles were reportedly being given free tickets to games as far away as Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and Atlanta.

©  Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Stem Cells, Steam Rooms, What’s the Difference?

Oh, for the days when the worst that could happen was a bumbling idiot would make us laugh and fling balls of feces through the bars from our cages. This piece also reminded me that hatred of science and reality is not a new position for the GOP.

Stands Firm On Steam Room Position

James Morrison 
Pharmaceutical Editor, Emeritus
August 13, 2001 11:27 PM 

CRAWLFORWARD, Texas (YU) — President Goober W. Bush on Monday threatened to cut short his yearlong vacation to veto any legislation that violates the spirit of a proposal he announced last week to give federal funding for limited Byronic steam room research.

"The statement I laid out is what I think is right for America, “ Bush told reporters watching him pick his nose as he sat on a golf cart while trying to keep his father from falling out onto the green.

"Any piece of legislation that undermines what I think is right will be vetofied, because what I think is right is right, and what's right is right for me, and if it's right for me, it's right for America, right?" Bush asked, rhetorically.

Later while trying to keep his father from unzipping his fly at the buffet, Bush twice cut off further questions on criticism of his decision. 

"I answered your damn questions Thursday night when I gave an address to the nation that you could have heard yourself, if you had listened in like the rest of America," he said. "The American people listened, and they liked what they heard.

“I spent a lot of time on the subject, more than I did in my entire career up to that point, and I thought hard about the hard things, and I asked myself what’s right for America? And then I answered my question by laying out the policy I think is right for America, and I’m not going to change what’s done because what’s done is done, and there are no do-overs when done is done,” the free-world’s bumbling leader told the assembled crews of every legitimate news outlet in the universe, and nobody laughed, except for the elder Bush, who also wet his pants.

Bush stressed that his policy was thoroughly thought-out, and that his speech was the longest he ever had to give in his career to that point, and he wasn't going to give the speech again because he had already given it, and if the reporters had bothered to listen to it, but when he began to repeat  this line of babble for the fifth time, his father spit up.

"It's a moral issue, and I don't like to talk about moral issues,” Goober smirked, "because I'm not a moral man by nature, but I work hard at it, like I did down in Florida, where I won the election, plus there's a chance that we can save people's lives, unlike my opponent, who didn't win in Florida, and I've laid out the path to do that," he said, wiping his father's mess from his khakis while aides hustled the old man away in restraints.

Senators from both wings of the Big American Party have said they will try to correct the typos in Bush's policy when Congress returns next month. They claim the real issue is stem cell research, which may hold the key to finding cures for numerous fatal and debilitating illnesses.

Bush aides, including White House chief of spoiling the rod Andrew Card and Tommy Thompson Gunn, the secretary of wealth and inhumane services, insist the president will stand by his decision to limit research to homosexual bath houses and poetry slams, regardless of what scientific breakthroughs may occur down the road.

"While it is unethical to end life in medical research, it is perfectly legal to end life in the name of justice, order, and the rule of law, and if we can gain wisdom from research where life and death decisions have already been made as in Texas and Florida, more often than not, I see no harm in conducting some intense steam room research to turn the other cheek," Bush wrote in a guest column Sunday in The New York Times.

Appearing on NBC's Blow Smoke with the Press, Gunn said the single Byronic steam room line identified by the National Institutes of Health might be enough to achieve the results most Senators are looking for when they frequent such establishments, Repugnicrats and Demoblicans alike.

Gunn said Bush would stand by his decision regardless of what science may prove. He estimated that stem cell researchers are three to five years from any significant breakthroughs, and Bush will be out of the White House by then.

"This president will not masturbate in public," Gunn said. "I think he made a very strong statement on that."

"We think there's more than enough reason for this Byronic steam room research to go forward on a limited basis," Card added on FOX Blows Sunday.

But Sen. Arlen Specter, R‑Pa., said he is skeptical that a single steam room line be enough to find the kinds of answers he is looking for. "It's like that insane single‑bullet theory the Demoblicans put forward to explain how their patsy killed JFK down in Dallas," he said. "It raises more questions than it answers."

Gunn said he couldn't address whether Bush would veto any legislation that would shift focus from his policy on steam rooms back to stem cells. "First of all, I don't think Congress has the balls to correct a speech by the President of the United States, even if he is a complete idiot."

Gunn went on to cite the case of former president Flipper Reagan, whom he called a "lying, perjuring incompetent, brain-damaged buffoon" whose deceit and duplicity make Goober look like a choirboy. "If they didn't touch Flipper, they won't correct an embarrassing slip by Mr. Peanut Brain," Gunn continued.

"And don't forget his old man. Hell, that jerk liked to bomb Iraqi kids for fun!" Lawmakers should wait until the next presidential election before pursuing such a radical path as pointing out errors and fabrications, he said.

Many opponents of Bush's steam room policy, including Roman Catholic leaders, say Bush went too far.

Bishop Joseph A. Nazareth, president of the National Conference on AIDS Dispersion, said on ABC’s This Weak in the Fake News that he considered the steam rooms and other meeting places where homosexuals and other sodomites gather to be "ill‑gotten goods."

"For the government to allow funding for this experiment makes the government complicit in what we consider to be wrongdoing," Nazareth said.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Hey There You’re a Rock Star

I have no idea what the real story is beyond this obvious piece of filler designed to occupy space between the lingerie and bankruptcy ads in your local paper, but I’m guessing it was a failed exposé of fake news about shit flinging and Donna Shalala’s former lover.

Bono Condemns Iraqi U2 Incident

James Dean
Special Corpsespondent
Additional reporting from stiff and wired reporters
Milo Minderbinder Dunktank
July 27, 2001 03:03:03 PM

TEHRAN, Iran (YU) — With longtime lover Donna Shalalah by his side, freelance diplomat and discount third‑world consumer credit counselor Bono this morning blasted media reports that his band was nearly shot down over Iraq earlier this week.

Bono blamed the Republican States of America for waging a war of disinformation and deception against the peace‑loving terrorist nation and provided home videos of his band mates rigging explosives in Belfast as proof the band was never in any danger.

Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein could not attend the hastily called news conference, but he did send a dozen realistic Hussein decoys to confuse CIA operatives in the audience who had orders to shoot the hugely popular leader on sight.

Meanwhile, the number one threat to world security continues to be U.S. President Goober W. Bush who has single‑handedly dismantled two decades of peace efforts and environment progress in half a year in office. Many observers are now convinced that Bush is the Antichrist, sent to Earth by a vengeful god to wipe the surface of the planet clean and make room for an interstellar parking garage.

Most U2s operate at an altitude of more than 70,000 feet, which is beyond the range of most military missiles. But U.S. officials say the Iraqis have been importing expelled American schoolchildren to modify their U.S. built missiles adding canisters of Boy Scout flatulence to extend their range.

Apparently the schoolchildren have begun firing their modified missiles at the high‑flying U2s to win gold stars from Saddam Hussein, who has promised trips to Disneyland to the first preteen to shoot down an American plane.

Last week, a Navy Hawkeye radar plane was hit with a bag of flaming excrement over Kuwait in the first incident since the gulf war where the Iraqis have successfully befouled an American plane in Kuwaiti air space.

U.S. intelligence still denies that several thousand American youngsters now work for the Iraqis. These schoolchildren have run afoul of various zero‑tolerance policies made popular by typical American political buffoons.

Bono named his political action rock band after the U2 spy plane piloted by Francis Gary Powers in 1960. Powers was held by the Soviets as a sex slave and sperm donor for nearly a quarter century. More than 300 of his offspring were killed in a single battle in Afghanistan in 1982.

Bush has repeatedly denied U.S. involvement in the recent missile attacks on U2 planes violating Iraqi airspace, other than to concede most of the weapons in the area were built to American specifications and manufactured by American workers.

Bush also pointed out that when the U.S. aims at something, it usually hits it, listing the successful destruction of several foreign passenger jets in recent years.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Don't diss no prostitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Wake Me When Orange Julius Caesar's Term Is Over

Trump has a way to go to beat Fubar W. Bush as the most rested First Idiot in the history of these Untied States of Dysphoria. This piece appears to be a companion to another depicting the real arrangement that led to Fubar’s infamous Patients’ Bill of Rights.

Bush Loses Patience: Goes On Vacation

Dr. Faustroll, Director
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic  
August 2, 2001 06:02PM 

WASHINGTON (YU) - President Bush  agreed to perform oral sex in the Oval Office last Wednesday with a pivotal Republican lawmaker, clearing the way to leave for Texas on a long overdue vacation with his dogs and brain-damaged wife Laura. Bush had spent nearly an entire week at the White House, and aides admit his attention to detail was beginning to flag. Bush told a hastily arranged White House news conference that his vacation would meet his principles by protecting the country from his incompetence without encouraging "frivolous lawsuits."

"After a lot of labor and a lot of squeezing, we washed hands in he Oval Office about 10 minutes ago," Bush said, standing alongside Rep. Charles Norwood, the Georgia Republican who has worked closely with Democrats in recent years on presidential vacation and patients' right issues. 

"This intimate encounter does protect the interests of this nation," said Norwood, who hitched up his shorts as he followed Bush to the White House podium for the late-afternoon announcement. "We had some hard differences to overcome, but we have accomplished the very goal we set forth in our pre-coital agreement, which is to save the republic."

The announcement marked a personal triumph for Bush, who recently returned from a European vacation and demanded that he have the same vacation rights as the French, who apparently take off the entire month of August. 

Bush had threatened to veto Senate-passed legislation that Norwood and Democrats were attempting to push through the House to limit his yearly out of office time to five months, instead of six months with bi-weekly erotological examinations, as Bush was demanding. 

Bush's handlers feel it important to examine the presidential rectum on a regular basis to prevent the growth of foreign policy polyps in Bush's tush that might turn him into the kind of radical porpoise Flipper Reagan became. Thus far only cancerous growths have been discovered in Goober's poop chute, which supports the widely held theory that the nation's leader is a malignant asshole.

® Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Whether or not weather matters

The best fake news, like the best satire, takes its cues from the actual news and the idiots who believe in it. The closer your story sounds to the real thing, the greater the chance that it will enter the world as widely accepted as other quesstionable facts. I first arrived at the conclusion that print media had become a multi-level marketing scheme back in the 70s when Gannett publishing introduced USA Today, a publication based on the assumption that P. T. Barnum was a journalistic pioneer. 

Local papers across this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) began laying off reporters and hiring marketing graduates to monitor various wire feeds to curate and modify totally random stories to complement print advertising campaigns for local and regional retailers. Often, these stories actually revealed important news that would never be seen on the front pages of newspapers, because the front pages were invariably devoted to political propaganda, intended to keep the proles in line.

These other stories buried amid the lingerie and dietary supplement ads, however, were often so obtuse that most readers never bothered to read them, preferring instead to dwell on the ads these stories served as space filler for. In many cases, these stories could be simply modified by changing a few key words and names while maintaining the overall structure and introducing curious facts into an increasingly spurious reality that appeared to take on a life of their own.

Take this story, for instance, that probably is about a real thing, although I have no idea what the original story was about, because it appeared in The Oregonadian, which at the time was finally shedding the last of the features of The Oregon Journal. The original source material had already been mangled and manipulated to fit the space in and around several paying ads, so I had no access to the original intent. So it was an easy effort to turn it into a story inspired by a Zappa story from Lather.

Asian Brown Clouds Out-Philosophize U.S.

By Gregory Peccary
Gregarious Wild Swine
Pataphysical Momentary Synapse

TRINIDAD, CALIF. (PMS) — When a big gale comes ashore at Trinidad, it's hard to miss. The heaving gray waters of the Pacific Ocean crash against the house-size boulders that litter the coastline, then shatter into white spray. A buoy lurches in the waves, its bell tolling a mournful warning, and a curtain of rain sweeps in from the sea.

But when a plume of pollution, known as the Asian brown cloud, blows in from China, nobody in Trinidad even knows it's happening. Add one more item to the long list of things Asia exports to the West: air pollution.

The contaminated air that rides the jet stream to Trinidad is laced with the sulfates and soot from Asia's industrial smokestacks, and nitrogen oxides that emerge from tailpipes of Asia's rapidly growing fleet of automobiles. It contains particles from fires set to clear jungles for farming, and from the millions of households that burn coal, wood or animal dung for heating and cooking.

Scientists identified the phenomenon years ago. The Asian brown cloud, researchers now know, routinely climbs high enough into the atmosphere to hitch a ride on the fast-moving jet stream heading east to North America. In April and May, when seasonal winds are strongest, the high-altitude pollution can cross the Pacific in as little as four days.

So far, the increase in ground-level pollution that the Asian brown cloud causes in the United States is "not catastrophic, or even critical," said Studebaker Hoch, a research chemist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Aeronomy Lab in Boulder, Colo.

Still, he said, imported Asian pollution obviously works to undercut initiatives, such as cleaner-burning gasoline or improved auto mileage, intended to clean up the western hemisphere's air.

Collecting data on the cloud

Looming larger, however, is a growing suspicion in the scientific community that these brown clouds may be starting to warp weather patterns across much of the U.S., threatening to reduce the amount of rain that falls from the forests of the Northwest to the cornfields of the nation's midriff.

But to prove or disprove that suspicion, scientists need a lot more data. And that's where a group of scientists led by Shredni Vashtar Yerbouti, a one-time professor at the University of Chicago, comes in.

Yerbouti is a professor of climate and atmospheric sciences at the University of California in San Diego's Scripps Institution of Oceanography. He also was a leading scientist in the 1999 Indian Ocean study that discovered that Asia's pollution, far from being localized, was transforming itself into a sprawling, semi-permanent haze.

"Show me where the plume is now," said Yerbouti as he and the half-dozen scientists in his group stare at a computer image projected onto the wall of a tourist cabin just outside of Trinidad.

"Step it forward," directs the 59-year-old Indian-born atmospheric scientist, known as Booty Boy to his friends. The computer displays a tendril of bright red marching across the Pacific Ocean and approaching the California coast.

Tracking ribbons of atmospheric sleep dirt

The ribbon of red represents a stream of heavily polluted air that left Asia a few days ago. The scientists use computer modeling to help them guess where this dirty cloud will come ashore the next day, so that they can fly into it and study it.

When the right combination of low- and high-pressure systems comes together across the ocean, a meteorological "conveyor belt" forms, creating an efficient mechanism for transporting pollution and dust from Asia to poison American soil. Once it makes landfall, the particulates mingle with extremely dirty local air and become harder to study.

"If we don't leave early," warns one scientist, "we're going to lose all that pollution. That sulfate is going to be gone. We’ll only have home-grown poisons to look at.”

The stream of incoming pollution has divided into layers, or strata, like seams of underground coal, with clean air in between. Because the wind is moving at different speeds at different altitudes, the layers are moving at dissimilar speeds and in various directions.

"The one-K level is coming more to the south," said Yerbouti watching the projected path; he's referring to a stratum 3,280 feet above the sea.

"Closer ... closer ... touchdown," he said. "It's right over our heads. If we were outside, we’d be doomed.”

When China's dirty air begins its trip across the Pacific, fallout is bad enough to cause health problems for people on the Korea peninsula and in Japan.

But by the time the Asian brown cloud reaches North America — scientists call the process "long-range aerosol transport” — much of its original load has fallen into the sea or has been washed out by rain. As a result, ozone and air-particulate readings tick up only modestly higher in coastal cities like Seattle and Los Angeles.

Yerbouti is in Trinidad, about 240 miles north of San Francisco in the middle of what Californians call the Redwood Empire, because his computer models say the tiny coastal town is statistically in the ideal spot to receive the undulating tendrils of Asia's brown clouds.

In recent years, much of his work involves studying migrating pollution's effect on weather.

Rainfall adversely affected

Although the greenhouse effect is a major issue for global climate change, Yerbouti contends that "the brown cloud is emerging as a major factor in regional climate changes and in reductions of regional and global rainfall.” So in late March, he brought his research team to Trinidad to conduct a monthlong field exercise.

With funding from the National Science Foundation, The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat, as well as Yossarian Universal News Service, the scientists probed the salty sea air using a twin-engine plane packed with foreign-built high-tech equipment. Their tools included a green laser that burns straight up into the night sky, and a packet of sophisticated, atmosphere-sniffing sensors atop a 350-foot-high rock known as Trinidad Head.

Their research proposal explained that the work would include measuring "cloud-droplet nocturnal ejectamenta" in clean and dirty clouds. In other words, they were measuring climatological reproductive emissions.

A cloud heavy with particles of dust or pollution is whiter than a non-polluted cloud, because water droplets condense around the particles, explained Yerbouti.

"Double the aerosols, double the droplets," he said. That means polluted clouds reflect sunlight more efficiently than a clean cloud. And that, in turn, affects the weather.

When clouds scatter sunlight, ground-level temperature declines. Such unnaturally high reflectivity also can suppress rainfall, or it can hold rain back so long that when it finally does fall to earth, it comes in the form of terrible torrents, said Yerbouti.

Some researchers, in fact, think the extra-white clouds caused by dirty air are helping to offset the global warming effect. That would offer an explanation for the unsettling fact that "the planet hasn't warmed as much as the models suggest it should," given the amount of greenhouse gas that humans have recently released into the atmosphere, the researcher said.

The Asian cloud is only the first and largest of a number of high-atmosphere brown clouds scientists have discovered. This summer, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is funding a major study of a similar brown blotch found hovering a mile or more above the eastern U.S. (and which sends a plume of shitty air trailing toward Europe.)

Air pollution has gone global

Europe's polluted air drifts toward Asia. Like the world's economy, air pollution has gone global, scientists contend.

"The foul westerly winds tie us all together," said Yerbouti.

The recently-ended study in Trinidad aimed only to gather more data, not find answers. Usually, that meant two flights a day out over the Pacific, with the scientists aboard the plane watching data streaming into their laptops while trying not to be distracted by the whales beaching themselves on the coastline below.

Sometimes the dirty air was clearly visible, and sometimes only the instruments — some sampling the air 40 trillion times per second — could find the pollutants.

When the yellow-and-brown aircraft rolled to a stop after one of the team's last flights, parascientist and Supreme Court Justice John Roberts emerged looking relaxed and tan.

"We got 45 minutes of homogeneous aerosol ejaculate, a full spectrum," he said.

“Was there much ice in the precipitating clouds?" Yerbouti asked.

“A wintry mix," Roberts responded.

Although seven or eight laptop computers are crunching weather data inside the hangar's cramped office, Yerbouti peered from the hangar bay at the gray sky. With the study winding down, he wants to make sure he gets as many different weather conditions as possible.

"I need to grab one low-lying cloud," he said, “before my life's complete. I need to live my life out on the street.”

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Remember When The Only Good Patriot Was A Dead Patriot?

McVie, McVeigh, take your pick.

McVeigh’s Corpse To Appeal

Dick Nada 
Sex Education Desk
All The News To Give You Fits
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 6, 2001 11:59 PM

PEORIA (YU) ‑ Speaking on condition of extreme anonymity, strategists for Timothy McVeigh's defense consortium confirmed that their client committed suicide nearly three months ago and that they are now fervently defending his rights as an afterborn to a fair trial.

As a result, the McVeigh legal team is not concerned that their client will probably be executed in less than a week. "Justice will out!" screamed one drunken barrister as he sped away from the district court.

The man currently on death row awaiting crucifixion on Flag Day (which this year falls on June 11 as the result of an executive order by President Goober W. Bush) is apparently the latest in a long line of surgically altered marine mammals who have been substituted for real or imagined celebrities in recent years.

The most tragic substitution involved former President Ronald Reagan who was replaced by a genetically modified elephant seal in 1980 following his assassination by John Hinckley.

Flipper Reagan was unable to withstand the rigors of public prevarication and quickly succumbed to the massive brain trauma. As a result, Flipper developed Oldtimers Disease and was shipped to a fjord in Iceland where he is attended to by his trainer, Nancy, and his good friend Keiko Cavanaugh, a killer whale.

® Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Hunting Christians is Always Fun

No one is sure where modern Christians came from, particularly in the Americas, where Aramaic is seldom spoken, even in bars

Christians Captured In Montana

Rev. Darwin D. Grimm 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
August 5,  2001  09:52 PM

NINE MILE VALLEY (YU) — Three Oregon children who were liberated from a reeducation camp by their evangelical parents last Wednesday were taken into custody in Missoula County, MT, with their mother, Mary Magdalene Christian. 

The girls' father, Jesus “Izzy” Christian, was shot and killed Friday night by police for failure to produce a valid license and registration. On Sunday, after regaining consciousness during an autopsy, Mr. Christian was arrested and charged with kidnapping, speeding, reckless endangerment, hindering prosecution, interstate flight, rising from the dead, and failure to yield to contemporary values.

A native of Nazareth, Oregon, Izzy Christian was a love child of late Monty Python poofter, Graham Chapman, who called the boy Brian of Nazareth and forced the boy to act in the seminal work of the renowned British dramatic theologians. The boy later survived the CIA-orchestrated massacre at Jonestown, where People's Temple founder, Jim Jones rechristened him. 

But Izzy's real problems with the law began when he met Ruth of Philomath, OR, with whom he begat Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the three girls later seized by the Oregon Department of Child and Despondent Services (CDS) for failure to eat cafeteria food as ordered by CDS. 

The parents were later charged with verbal abuse for having named their children inappropriately, and they were barred from all contact with the girls, who rejected several dozen court-approved names, including Britney, Brandy, Cindy, Bethany, Jennifer, Jessica, Courtney, Laura, Lori, and Cleo. 

The conflict came to a head last week when the girls all jumped up and down in court screaming to be called Christina, Madonna, and Sade Christian, in direct defiance of Judge Judy Katzenschwartz who had ordered the children to sit down and be quiet. 

While the girls were being bussed back to their cells in Coos Bay, Izzy and Mary surprised caseworker Joseph Carpenter at gunpoint in a public restroom and demanded to be taken to Cuba. 

When Carpenter refused, they apparently prayed for him until he gave them his money, his credit cards, and the keys to the Corrections Bus, Further, a charitable donation from Oregon fabulist Ken Kesey. 

The Christians' daring attempt to rescue their children made news around the globe, bringing hope to hundreds of thousands of parents whose children are currently owned by various state and federal organizations. Martin Scorcese is rumored to be in the planning stages of a tetralogy based on the lives of these silly idealists.  Law enforcement officials, meanwhile, are alarmed by all the attention. 

“This is no laughing matter,” said Capt. Peter Rome, who found Mrs. Christian with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego outside a home in west Damascus, about 30 miles from Olive Grove, near Nine Mile Valley Baptist Church. 

“They were out in the manger with their mother,” said Rome, “without a care in the world. But this is such a secluded place. There's no electricity, no phones. It's in the middle of nowhere. They could have got hurt.” 

Montana Children Protective Services took the children, who were unharmed, and placed them in separate cells for their own well-being. They were making arrangements with the CDS to return the girls to a reeducation camp at the Oregon Primate Center later this week. 

“The children are fine,” said Oregon State Police Lt. Pontius Pilate. “We're happy that we have these kids safe and sound with their DNA intact. That's been our primary objective.” 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Back When Elections Weren’t Rigged

And Florida was funnier than Hee-Haw. This resurrects a question I’ve always had about why no one questioned the results of the 1972 election when Watergate was only part of the process of rigging an election so that Nixon and Kissinger could kill more gooks. Also there’s some prescient speculation about Russian President Vlad the Impudent, and another twist on the “bill of rights” motif so popular among manipulative jerks.

Bush Tries Heimlich Maneuver On Congress

by Hans Christian 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
July 9, 2001 08:05 AM

WASHINGTON (YU) - President  Goober W. Bush, in the third week of celebrating his 55th birthday, challenged Congress on Monday to impeach Senator James Jeffords (Ind-VT) for treason, end public education, invade Baghdad to overthrow Winston Churchill, donate all government property to religious charities, explain why microbreweries are so great, quit whining about global warming, and get over the fact that his brother Jeb manipulated the Florida election totals.

"Hell, you want rigged," Bush wailed, gesturing widely, “where were you people in 1972  when the only state that even had paper in the voting booths was Massachusetts?"

White House officials tried to paint the idiotic episode in a favorable light, saying that Goober's inebriated statement was the first step in a two-week strategy that is still evolving but may be designed to regain control of the political agenda from Senate Democrats, including Strom Thurmond, who in recent weeks has been on life support. They pointed out his playful interaction with a ResusciAnnie inflatable doll during the taped incident.

Never particularly bright, the President seems genuinely confused by negative comments about his overseas trip where he gave Russian President Vladimir Putin the keys to Air Force One. He doesn't understand,  say  some aides, that the American people apparently don't find a return to unemployment levels unseen since his father toyed with the nation as a repudiation of the lack of family values shown during the Clinton administration.

On Monday, Goober tried to make America forget what he said when asked why he and former President Stupid Bush the First wore baseball caps with numbers 41 and 43 emblazoned on them. “Because that’s our IQs!” he shouted gleefully, “and you said I was the dumb one,” poking his ailing father hard enough to break two ribs.

The new Republican PR strategy appears to focus attention on the bumbling nincompoop's strengths, which many people now admit, is the ability to appear stupid and drunk even while sleeping. As a result, Goober is abandoning his energy plan, his foreign initiative, campaign finance reform, and anything else he may have said he believed in at one time or another.

For now, the president is taking full responsibility for physicians' rights legislation, which is an issue championed by the new Democratic majority in the Senate. "This Congress must act on a doctors' bill of rights — one with a second amendment in it, one that recognizes that doctors are important, not lawyers," he said, while hundreds of his handlers tried to shut him up.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved.The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.Leading the blind since 1896.

Seems Anticlimatic With A Little Moron in the White House

I love lists. Everybody loves lists. The best lists make you piss yourself while waiting in line at a crematorium. Don’t worry, it will be over soon.

Top Unreported Story Of 2000: World  Ends

A. J. Liebling, Communications Lead
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
June 24, 2001 01:31 PM

STOCKHOLM (YU) - Apparently the New Millennium had more impact upon human history than originally thought. While the worldwide media focused on celebrations, wars, mass suicides, voter fraud, mad Dow disease, children trapped in sewer pipes, and bioengineering, the world ended at ten minutes past three on the morning of February 9, 2000 when a motorcyclist collided with a Hummer in Botswana. 

While details are still sketchy, it is now believed that when a passenger in the Hummer used the speed dial on her cell phone to call triple-A for assistance she inadvertently made our existence known to an extremely angry God heretofore unheard of in our primitive theologies.

Other stories that were ignored, missed, or otherwise distorted by major news outlets included:

  • Most illegal drugs are beneficial to human health when used to excess. 
  • Some fugitive drug abusers have become immortal.  
  • AIDS now infects 40% of the world population and remains an incurable disease. Approximately 3% of the population is completely immune to the virus, and the human genome project is attempting to identify that segment so it can be farmed to produce vaccine.
  • The health of amphibians is a reliable gauge of the condition of an ecosystem. In North America, frogs that haven't mutated into blood-sucking slugs are fast becoming extinct.
  • Cynics live happier lives than optimists and are seldom disappointed by election results.
  • Voters are more apt to contract pancreatic cancer, which is almost always fatal.
  • Democrats are as likely to be racist assholes as Republicans, particularly when they call themselves liberals.
  • The last remnants of the Silent Majority now reside in the Third World where they pursue lives of quiet desperation.
  • The surgically altered porpoise that replaced Ronald Reagan following his assassination by John Hinckley in 1981 now provides oral gratification to Kelko the Killer Whale, as part of a plea agreement to assure his place in history won't be marred by reality.

While many critics disagree on the importance of most of the negative news items, they were nearly unanimous in their embarrassment at having missed the end of the world.

@ Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since  1896.

Thank God Threats and Intimidation Are Ancient History

How soon everyone forgets about Darth Cheney, Rumsfart, Asscough, Condomsqueezer, and the rest of the First Idiot’s go-to crew.

Saturday, July 21, 2001 

Cheney Threatens YU Commentator

WASHINGTON (YU) – Refusing to respond to reports that he was meeting with Rep. Harry Condom (D—CA) as Washington intern Shandling Garvey logged off her laptop computer and tried desperately to escape the nation's capitol, Vice President Lon Cheney fired several warning shots over the heads of cowering journalists during a tee-ball game on the White House south lawn this morning. L. H. Oswald, an organic gardening columnist with Yossarian Universal News Service was slightly injured by broken glass. 

Garvey was last seen on April 30. Her disappearance, under investigation as a identity theft case, has drawn international media attention because it combines sex, a female intern, and a Democrat. Many journalist admit they would stop covering the case if a story came along that involved sex, young boys, and a Republican or Christian Evangelist. 

The investigation into the disappearance of Garvey is now entering its thirteenth week with Congress debating whether to pass an emergency appropriations bill to continue funding for the search, which has now cost more than the Gross National Product of Ecuador. Senator Orrin Hatch favors borrowing from the Social Security trust fund to help pay for incidental expenses associated with the case. 

Although anarchists, environmentalists, and liberal Democrats have been working feverishly to tie Cheney to the murder of the intern, no one has found her body, and there have been several unconfirmed sightings of Garvey in Jerusalem where she is rumored to be pregnant and preparing for birth of the Antichrist this fall or early winter. Garvey was recently made an honorary captain in the Israeli Coast Guard.

Washington police continue to claim that Condom is not a suspect in Garvey's disappearance, although he has repeatedly lied about his involvement with the horny young woman who told anyone who would listen that she dreamed only of having his baby. 

Meanwhile, Cheney's involvement in the intern's disappearance is unclear, and the vice president has repeatedly discharged firearms in the direction of journalists who suggest the fuel baron offered to take care of Condom's “little problem” in exchange for his vote on a bill to open the Alaskan wilderness to oil exploration. 

When asked if the vice president was involved in freeing him from the embarrassing relationship he did not have with that young woman, Condom would only say that he was not prepared to comment. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Affordable Health Care Was A Thing?

I’ve come to the realization over the years is that my funniest stuff isn’t really funny when you think about it, which is what makes it so funny. This piece would make a great beginning for a comedy horror film. So remember, when you think about how fucking crazy things are today with Trump in the White House and the government run by billionaires and racist thugs, the Fubar Ubu Bush years were pretty fucking grim, and many of us lived through it and survived, still laughing.

Bush Signs Patients' Bill  Of Rights

by Uncommon Sense
Dr. Alfred J. Faustroll, Director
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat
August 2, 2001 06:02PM

CRAWFORD, Texas (YU) — While President Goober W. Bush spends a month testing his new ThunderPants at the parched and dying 1,600 acre Kegger White House ranch, YU reporters were piecing together the horrifying details of the marathon session last month that led to sweeping changes in the nation's commitment to affordable health care. The picture is not a pretty one. 

After hours of secretive maneuvers involving a dozen ducks, a White House rug beater, a pair of tweezers, and interns belonging to Speaker Dennis Hastert and Rep. Charles Norwood, Bush told his Mexican cook that the Georgia lawmaker had agreed to unspecified changes in patient's rights legislation that assured it wouldn't interfere with Bush's principles. 

Juan Caracas Valdez told astonished observers that Bush danced like a Snoopy dog in the restroom as he gushed about the patient "bill for rights." Lawyers say the choice of prepositions is a key legal point.

"The worst we had to deal with in the past," said intern attorney Jerry Spence, "was the idea of pay as you go, where the sick and wounded of this unwinnable war against the impoverished, casualties of the Great Society, would at least be able to sell their salvaged body parts in exchange for some relief from pain and suffering, but the current president believes the poor should pay for the right to complain about the lack of care."

Indeed, it now looks as if most lawmakers are willing to compromise on any issue to keep from confronting Mr. Bush, who is rumored to carry the code book for testing unproven elements of the Star Wars defense system wherever he goes. “The bottom line is, we want to change the law," Norwood said. "And the last time I looked, that's pretty difficult to do without a presidential signature, even if it's only an  X."

While no details were immediately available on the compromise that Norwood and Bush agreed to, it now appears that most Americans with insurance will be guaranteed to receive a $150 non-refundable bill for such patient rights as emergency room visits, phone calls to medical specialists, or being put on the waiting list to become test subjects in government-run clinical trials.

This fee will be assessed in addition to any co-pay amount and automatically deducted from the patients’ Social Security trust fund unless the patient agrees to periodic electronic withdrawals from a guaranteed Check-Free account. Any eligible American who is also a registered Democrat earning less than $100 thousand a year will be required to donate at least one vital organ every five years to maintain minimum coverage.

There was no immediate comment from Democrats with whom Norwood had been romantically linked during the long fight to pass patients’ rights legislation, although former Republican presidential challenger John McCain called the negotiations leading up to the agreement “shameful and disgusting."

Rep. John Dingell, D-Mich., saw it differently. The White House, he said, seems to be following Chairman Mao's philosophy of kicking "the shit out of the enemy before forcing negotiations.” The administration's actions, he added, "raise the question of whether there is a God.

Norwood was caught in the middle of this political dust-up  with nowhere to turn, except around and bend over. An amiable fourth-term Georgian with a knee-jerk conservative voting record, Norwood was a bumbling dentist before he entered politics, when an ongoing drug investigation forced him into elected office.

With Bush effectively gone through the end of the political year, his aides will run the world through the White House. They continue to deny reports that Bush is in Texas practicing to become a spokesperson for ThunderPants, an Internet-based undergarment designed to filter the odor from flatulence.

They claim to doubt Internet technology could deodorize a Bush family fart, but they also allege that Bush has not broken wind since he went through detox during his father's rule. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

No Candy for You

Don’t tell me there is no justice in Texas. There’s no justice anywhere.

Saturday, July 21, 2001 

Texas Candy Thief Lethally Injected

DALLAS (YU) – Texas retained its reputation as the law and order capital of the world after executing a mentally handicapped prisoner originally sentenced to life for stealing a Snickers bar. 

Protests by Tralfamadorians from around the universe failed to halt the homicide by lethal injection of Thomas Paine, 52, who was sentenced to 90 days in 1963 for lifting a ten-cent candy bar from an Ruby Junction grocery store. 

“It was a king size,” said Ruby Junction County assistant district attorney Carole Doda when asked by reporters after the execution if she thought the punishment fit the crime. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896. 

The More Things Stay the Same

Despite liberalization of marijuana laws, our national stupidity over drug use still keeps our prison industrial complex humming along, inspiring foreign entrepreneurs to find new ways to profit from the poor and dispossessed, because that’s The American Way!

U.S. Cracks Down On Illegal Canadian Bladder Production

by Nick Dana
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 21, 2001 07:32PM

LUBBOCK (YU) — After nearly two decades of its disastrous War on Drugs, the DEA has once again turned its attention to the illegal urine labs beyond our borders that smuggle more than 2 billion gallons of pure piss into the country every year with a street value nearly twice President Bush's tax cut.

Domestic illegal urine production is difficult to interdict and authorities dismiss it as inferior in quality to Chilean clear kidney juice or Colombian plasmatic filter sap produced by South American peasants.

The peasants were forced into urine manufacture when their drug production was halted in the 80s by toxic herbicide spraying by their own governments with assistance from the CIA. An innovative program of kidney harvesting and reverse irrigation has nearly stemmed the tide of osmotic liquid gold.

While the coordinated effort by local law enforcement officials, pest exterminators, and welfare workers has almost dried up the supply of clean urine from the south, in recent years fugitive urine manufacturers have fled to Canada where they have flourished by perfecting processes that produce even cleaner and less detectable piss. This "pure-tee pee," as it is known in the trade, is sought by American workers who are increasingly subject to random drug testing as a condition of continued employment and who will pay up to $150 for a two-ounce supply of the amber liquid.

When I talked with a pure urine addict in Seattle earlier this week, I was stunned when he dropped his trousers at a Pike Place Starbucks to reveal an elaborate dispensing apparatus that was incorporated into his maroon briefs. This system costs nearly a week's wages but it is guaranteed to fool the most sophisticated testers by bringing the fluid to body temperature and actually dispensing it through the user's own penis.

"I  can't help myself," Bob Whitsitt (not his real name) told me, "because I love poppy seed bagels and lemon poppy bran muffins, but my lease says I have to submit to these tests, and it's a condition for my driver's license, to get a monthly bus pass, and forget about my employment situation. They even take hair samples there. That's why I shave like this," he said, ruefully, rubbing his shiny pate.

Affluent effluent addicts like Bob are the collateral damage of what some are calling a misguided moral minority's equivalent of Vietnam. As the War on Drugs enters its fourth decade and escalates on the home front, prisons fill to overflowing with failed test victims, and the traffic in illegal urine from Canada has tripled in the past six months.

"These people have no fear," said Artie Lemmer, a DEA informant and one-time NSA terrorist who is still sought in the attempted assassination of former Secretary of State Dean Rusk. "They bring it across in coolers, Thermos jugs, and old plastic milk containers. We're fighting a losing battle, man."

Meanwhile, the government recently responded to this increased illegal urine use by making it more risky to possess a pint of renal punch than a pound of cocaine, but observers say all this action has accomplished is to drive up the price of Canadian bladder punch. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Lawyers: Moron Is Not A Little Moron

Like most of my work, this piece was inspired by an actual news account involving Texas, the mentally disabled, executing the mentally disabled, the prison-industrial complex, supplyside corrections, and much younger, if equally dumb, Rick Perry.

Bush Successor Rejects Protection For Intellectual Losers

Timothy McVeigh
Disgruntled Desk
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 18, 2001 05:01 AM 

DALLAS (YU) —  Gov. Martin "Ricky" Perry of Texas left church early on Sunday to veto legislation that would have banned the execution of the mentally disabled by means of castration. The governor said there were already too many laws designed to protect retards in capital cases, and that the only idiots he saw connected with capital punishment in his state were "the bleeding heart jerks with their signs outside the prisons."

That position pretty much summed up what President Goober W. Bush said before he left to be mooned in Europe last week: epileptics, water-heads  and other losers should never be put down like egg-sucking dogs no matter what their political leanings, and the court system protects against the innocent slaughter of even such undesirable elements of society.

Perry's decision, made with the aftertaste of the Eucharist still lingering on his unflappable tongue, will no doubt result in further criticism of the United States community police state overseas. The President, who has been dubbed Darth Goober by millions of protestors in the free world, was almost unable to return home from his failed European campaign swing when death penalty opponents threw themselves into the engines of Air Force One. 

Bush was extremely disappointed that Europe had “no real big important elections where people from states like Belgium, Luxemburger' Pizzaville, and the Bohunks could rally around a real leader, such as we have to do in our Unitable States of American people."

Although Bush and Perry (who is rumored to be the defective offspring of former Chicago Bear standout Richard “Refrigerator" Perry) claim that Texas had not put anyone to sleep who was mentally disabled, supporters of the failed legislation say that 46 inmates with IQs of 50 or lower have had their genitals hacked off and bled to death since February of this year.

People with IQs that low are generally considered mentally handicapped, although many can be trained to become elected officials or responsible voters.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since  1896.

No Wonder Moda Changed Its Name

Looks like I found another example of how an earlier One Minute President led to our current Chief Twit and Bannon watcher.

Sunday, July 22, 2001

Lying Made Legal and Morally OK

WASHINGTON (YU) – The United States Supreme Court today refused to hear an appeal in the case of McCullers v. The ODS Health Plan, letting stand a lower court ruling that fraudulent phone system messages cannot be made grounds for negligent homicide. The ruling stems from the 1995 death of a Lickskillet woman who died listening to a recorded message while on hold with ODS customer service.

Consumer advocates had hoped to establish case law making it easier to collect damages from companies who do not offer any real product or service, such as HMOs and certain non-profit 12-step programs that set up elaborate and impenetrable customer service call systems to delay detection until they can sell themselves to foreign investors or seek protection while they reorganize. 

“It's one of the greatest scams ever,” said Michael Milliken, chief investigator for Scams 'R Us, a watchdog group for disorganized law enforcement. 

“How many times have you heard a message begin with: 'Please listen to this entire message before making your choice. Some menu options may have recently changed?' I know of ten major corporations who have been running the same menus and messages since the late 1980s. They don't even have customer service departments.” 

According to Milliken, these rogue organizations, “don't even have employees. No one has ever gotten through the maze far enough to even leave a message for a call back, for Christ's sake.” 

A survey of several Fortune 500 companies reveals that nearly 70% no longer have any employees at all. Revenues are used to pay rental and maintenance fees on contracted phone mail systems. In fact, some companies do nothing at all except have their voice mail systems interact with the automated phone systems of their strategic partners. 

In 1995, Urleen McCullers died of dehydration after spending 5 days attempting to negotiate a particularly intricate maze designed to keep patients such as her from quality care. The suit against ODS was filed on behalf of McCullers’ mutated husband Carson, and their fifteen children, aged 6 months to 10 years. 

A 1998 jury trial found ODS Health Plan negligent and awarded the family $3,000 in compensatory damages, $300 dollars for loss of companionship, and $11 million in punitive damages. 

On appeal, the punitive damages were set aside after ODS officials made several campaign contributions to re-elect the judge. The family was also ordered to pay all court costs and lawyer fees, which required that the surviving family members die in a freak bus accident while returning home from court.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.  Leading the blind since 1896. 

A trove of ancient fake news recovered from InterWeb

Now, more than ever, we need to think clearly to see the bullshit behind the #alt-truths behind the lies behind the cruel intentions of the nation of miserable fucks.

Mayor Katz Receives Anti‑Moronic Messages

Fred Willy Nietzsche, Special Correspondent
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
August 2, 2001 06:02PM

SALEM (YU) ‑ Portland's mayor says she still hasn't met with the Portland School Board member who made comments about "morons running everything;" however Mayor Katz, who is a practicing moron, says she'd like to talk to Michael Jackson about his views. Jackson is an orthodox propeller head who recently said the mayor wasn't fit to shine his shoes.

The fall out from that incident has apparently struck a nerve among anti‑morons, according to the slow‑speaking mayor who says that she has received some "very, very intelligently written but thoughtless and hurtful" anti‑moronic e‑mail messages recently.

Mayor Katz says those messages are very disturbing to her and are one of her biggest concerns, after whether to build a Babylon-inspired garden over the 1‑405 by‑pass in downtown Portland.

"Frankly, what continues to upset me the most and I hope the moronically sympathetic community at large are these very, very ugly e‑mails coming now from people with supposedly fully developed brains, many of whom live outside of Oregon, from organizations that support anti‑moronic causes, like Mensa and the Anarchist Film Study Group. This hatred has now moved to recruit from outside of Oregon, putting morons in Oregon at even greater risk."

An aide to the mayor who is too embarrassed to speak on the record says phone messages and letters addressed to the city offices have also expressed anti‑moronic sentiments.

Mayor Katz has not called for Jackson to resign from the board, and she says she doubts the propeller‑head would step down voluntarily. She admits she often confuses the board member with the other Jacksons, like Jesse, Stonewall, Reggie, Bo, LaToya, and Tito, because "they all look alike to me."

Second‑generation propeller head Michael Jackson's comments began the brouhaha during a school board meeting last month when he called fellow board member Marc Abrams a jerk, which is considered a slur by morons.

Jackson elaborated on those comments in an interview with The Oregonadian newspaper. Jackson pointed out that morons were originally held in low regard when they started immigrating to the United States in the late 18th century. Today, however, Jackson said, "Morons run the country," pointing at a picture of President Goober W. Bush. Bush is considered a flake, not a true moron, and Abrams, who recently converted to moronicism, took the comment as a slur.

Abrams whined convincingly that morons had also suffered discrimination, but Jackson responded that they "suffered a fraction, a fraction of them suffered comparably [to propeller-heads] ." No one is quite sure where propeller heads come from or when they first arrived on the continent, but most Americans now agree that no group of Americans has suffered as greatly as the maligned and tortured propeller‑heads.

"I see morons running everything," Jackson screamed, in anguish.

Mayor Katz says she sees a real need to remedy the situation, and that her proposals will form the basis for her planned bid for a fourth consecutive term as mayor.

"I think we have a responsibility to discuss this as a spokesperson for a saddened community. That's how we grow our economy. That's how we empower the toleration of totalitarian diversity in this piecework community. More importantly, that's how we understand what words can do, and, unlike sticks and stones, how they can really enflame the tissues of a city as a collection of rubbed raw assholes."

She says it's her job to bring all these assholes together.

"As a mayor, I have a responsibility to make sure we have reconstructive surgery and not warfare.” The mayor did not elaborate on what she meant by that last statement.

All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Watch what you think, asshole

Sometimes the truth is easy enough to handle. It’s been 16 years since I wrote this piece about America’s ongoing fascination with finding out just how fucking stupid it really is.

Device Can Read Impure Thoughts

by Cotton Mather
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
22, 2001 04:51 PM 

NEW YORK (YU) ‑ Just when you thought it was safe to keep your mouth shut, the government is about to start reading your mind. No longer content to monitor the size of your sexual organs or how you use them in the privacy of your bedroom, U.S. military engineers have developed a new kind of radar that can detect seditious conceptualizations and obscene ideas from up to 150 feet.

Like a remote therapy session with a court appointed psychiatrist, the device currently being developed at the National Institute of Standards and Technology Laboratories in Boulder, CO, can be used to spot thought-criminals in crowds.

Plans for the system come amid growing concern over rampant domestic sarcasm and cynicism, and supporters of the research say it would help police identify and capture potentially dangerous criminals before they actually have the opportunity to put their thoughts into action.

The device is jointly sponsored by the National Institute of Justice, the Federal Aviation Administration, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the Department of Agriculture, with additional funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and people like you. The National Institute of Standards and Technology is a federal agency run by the Republican States of America and has spent about 2 million dollars annually for the past two decades perfecting ways to make people dumb and happy about how dumb they are.

Although the prototype is already being deployed in several American cities including San Francisco, Portland, Detroit, Phoenix, and Peoria, there are no plans to test the system.

"It penetrates defensive postures quite well," said Joseph Mangelli, who is the chief researcher on the project. "Some people — introverts, artists, and such like — are more difficult to read, but we're approaching 50% accuracy in intercepting intolerable thoughts before they become unacceptable behavior. I think most Americans will agree that's a phenomenal level of accuracy."

He said the device wouldn't substantially alter a person's brain patterns or damage genetic material, except when absolutely necessary.

Some people question the wisdom of spending millions on a system that violates constitutional protections against unreasonable searches. Anne Frank, for instance, a part‑time law professor at the Bosse de Nage School of Jurisprudence at the Milo Minderbinder College of Arts & Sciences argues that these kinds of technological advancements drive young boys to shoot up their schools.

"People have the right to think whatever they feel like without being worried that a government agent lurking nearby will send a squiddy out to drag you to a reeducation camp," Frank said in a recent interview, before disappearing suddenly into a nearby forest.

There is a case currently pending before the U.S. Supreme Court that may determine the use of high‑tech snooping by your community Gestapo in the future. The case involves a Florence, OR, man whose home was searched after a federal agent used a high‑powered listening device to detect low moaning and whispers of "Oh yes, there, there, oh yes, oh yes," coming from the building.

Agents who knocked down the door found parolee Danny Pecker performing cunnilingus on a 15‑year‑old Romanian refugee who had previously claimed to speak no English. Pecker claims the use of the listening device violates his rights under the Fourth Amendment, and he wants the young girl returned for further study.

In the meantime, law enforcement officials are gearing up to monitor your thoughts on a random basis, because recent court decisions have found it discriminatory to target actual crime figures, particularly those in government.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Racism is better than anti-Semitism

Vera, Vera, what has become of you.

Nigra Apologizes: Hymies Unforgiving

by Uncommon Sense
Leonine Bruce, specist writer 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 26, 2001 04:59PM 

PORTLAND (YU) — Portland School Board member Sammy Davis III apologized Wednesday for pointing out the race and religion of many elected officials in this backwater burg, but some still demanded that the black Hassidic convert atone for his remarks, and many militant Jews demanded his resignation. Davis refused to answer questions about suggestions that he step down.

Davis held his Wednesday news conference in front of the burned out shell of the old Burger Barn on Martin Luther King Blvd. where Portland Police dumped dead possums in the 1980s to display how far the city had progressed from the days of racial intolerance when blacks were simply hanged from power poles when they wandered into white neighborhoods.

The exact text of Davis's remarks remains unknown because his words were drowned out by the bullhorns of militant Zionists calling for the removal of the board member's genitals. Davis's prepared remarks were snatched from the podium before he even finished his speech when unruly kikes in studded yarmulkes rushed the dreadlocked Davis.

In the scuffle that followed, several members of the Elite Mauve Leopards who serve as Davis's bodyguards were injured while trying to shield him from stale matzos, cheap menorah, and Yiddish epithets hurled at the humbled educator by followers of one of the most brutal and vengeful Gods mankind has ever known.

In interviews with The Oregonadian in early July, Davis told an Israeli intelligence officer that Jews tend to stick together, often to the exclusion of people of other races and religions.

Most elected sheenies in Portland declined to attend Davis's news conference, preferring to watch the event on television at Temple Moshe Dayan in Northwest Portland, an area known for Jews, gays, brewers, entrepreneurs, and a distinct dearth of people of the darker epithelial hues.

"You know how they say you may not know what art is, but you can sure tell it when you see it?" said doyenne Mayor Vera Katz, "Well the same goes for sincere apologies. Mr. Davis's statement isn't the same as getting down on his knees and begging for his life. His future is now in the hands of the God of Abraham."

Several prominent Jews who refused to give their names and only spoke on condition that their faces and voices be distorted through a Web cam run by Dark Lord Viper said they wouldn't even pray for Mr. Davis.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Even Before Citizen’s United Things Were Strange

Interesting that I originally posted on the day that Fubar Bush wasn’t reading the presidential daily briefing that might have made the never-ending war of terror unnecessary.

CEOS Beg Chaney To Make Bush  Tax Them

Chandra Levy, cub reporter 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 

WASHINGTON (YU) —  Chief executives from 74 companies that belong to the U.S. military-industrial complex today upped the ante in an attempt to force President Goober W. Bush to renege on tax breaks he promised them in  2000 in exchange for large political contributions to his campaign.

While the White House continues to deny the reports, two children allegedly cloned from vice president Lon Chaney were kidnapped earlier this week and are being held in the Pentagon by heavily armed representatives of several major American corporations. 

At issue is the Bush administration refusal to negotiate a deal with the European Pataphysical Union in a dispute over a corporate tax break the CEOs Liberation Army says could provoke an economic conflict far more terrifying than the prospect of World War III.

In a ransom letter to President Bush and Cabinet officials, the executives said the United States must reach a “mutually unacceptable solution" with the 15-nation EPU (pronounced ee-pee­-yew), which won a ruling last month from the World Wrestling Federation that the tax break amounts to an illegal trade subsidy, "or we will be forced to exterminate these coronarily defective water-heads," apparently referring to the hostage Chaney clones.

The EPU is seeking WWF authority to impose more than $400 billion in sanctions against U.S. exports if the Bush tax system remains in place. The United States has not announced whether it will appeal such an action because Mr. Bush has begun a yearlong vacation, which could delay sanctions.

“This dispute could be enormously destabilizing to our bottom line," the executives said in the letter dated Tuesday after lunch. "A move toward retaliation, or a continuing threat of retaliation, could undermine the tenuous U.S.-EPU position, which is our most important strategic, diplomatic and economic alliance of the week."

Companies whose top executives signed the letter include Boeing Co., Motorola Inc., Lockheed Martin Corp., Johnson & Johnson, General Motors Corp., Exxon Mobil Corp., DuPont and Caterpillar Inc. All contribute heavily to Republican political candidates and all demand favors in return because that’s The American Way!

The tax break was enacted last month to replace a similar U.S. system that also was ruled an illegal subsidy by the WWF. It allows U.S.-based companies to avoid paying taxes on their foreign income so long as they contribute 15% of what they would have owed to Republican candidates or paramilitary Christian youth organizations.

The executives begged the Bush administration to appeal the WWF ruling to buy time for the companies to move their operations to other countries. If there is no appeal, the Pataphysicians should be urged to suspend the case temporarily or risk the threat of increased Balkanization, the executives wrote. Balkanization is the name for the U.S. diplomatic policy in Europe that used to be called carpet-bombing when it was used unsuccessfully in Southeast Asia. 

"Absent an appeal or a suspension, the specter of massive EPU retaliation would draw near and possibly take on a political life of its own, with hundreds of thousands of registered Pataphysical voters flooding the voting booths in 2002," they wrote.

"And don't forget about the water-heads," the letter ended. two small severed fingers with prints that matched the vacationing vice president was found in the same manilla envelope that contained the ransom demand.

The administration had no immediate reaction to the letter Thursday because no one knew where to find any of Bush's staff or appointees.

House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Dewey Cheatam has said repeatedly that the United States should not appeal the ruling and instead enact a sensible tax system that would be acceptable to the American people as well as to the WWF. Cheatam has been missing for nearly 3 months.

"Dragging out the process through frivolous lawsuits or extensive cosmetic surgery to our ludicrous tax system will not solve the problem,” Cheatem, R-Calif., said in a recent statement found among his belongings.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

Learning Stupidity Is Easy In School

Lunatics with good intentions, well-meaning religious jerks, and the science-averse are always good for a laugh.

Saturday, July 28, 2001

Kids Swear Off Sex To Save Human Race 

HILLSBORO, OR (YU) – Proving that even stupidity can be learned, thirty members of the Mazola High School senior class had their sexual organs removed to make the world safe for democracy and promote economic recovery. “By saying 'No' to sex, we are saying 'Yes!' to the future,” shouted Sarah Jessica Parker, third-string cheerleader with the STARS program. 

STARS, an acronym for Students Today Are Like Really Really Special And Stuff, teaches teenagers that sex is not a good way to perpetuate the species, sex before the age of 50 always leads to abortion and birth defects, and that no sex is completely safe unless it involves rubber gloves, a bunny suit, and an autoclave.

Sponsored by area churches, The Oregonadian, and local organized crime figures in law enforcement, STARS helps young people remove unwanted reproductive tissue before it becomes cancerous in exchange for Britney Spears CDs and tickets to Christian rock performances. 

Since the program began ten years ago, STARS members have actually achieved negative growth by successfully participating in five mass suicides. Jars holding the former reproductive apparati contributed by members are proudly displayed in the lobby outside the gym. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Dissect frog parts and toot. Leading the blind since 1896.

One of the Reagan as Keiko’s Lover Stories

I don’t know why I obsessed on a relationship between Keiko the Killer Whale and the Old Rummy, One Minute President Ronald Reagan, but the stories just seemed to write themselves, like the Bowling Green Massacre.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 

Reagan Attacked By Sharks In Iceland 

KLETTSVIK, Iceland (YU) — Former President Ronald F. Reagan was in fair but stable condition at Mother of Mercy Veterinary Hospital tonight after an unprovoked attack by unemployed extras from a bankrupt Russian production of West Side Story.

Anonymous sources including former press secretary David Gergen and a distant cousin of Alexander Haig refused to speculate on why the roving band of precision aquatic prancing youth targeted the senile old rummy.

Intern spokeswoman Chandra Levy refused to comment on rumors that Reagan had split with his wife of 140 years to join convicted serial herring killer Keiko Cavanaugh in Iceland two years ago when they started an Internet salmon farm as part of Cavanaugh's supervised work release. 

Reagan's wife Nancy did not return repeated calls for her resignation, although sources close to the former first lady said she was not shattered by the affair, as some had hinted. Unconfirmed reports said Mommy Reagan, as she still prefers to be called, was either shopping for a place setting at Nordstrom for her new beau Tony Blair or pursuing her court case to bar streeet magician David Blair from revealing her age. 

Many Americans are still in denial about Reagan's assassination by film buff John Hinckley in 1981 and refuse to believe that the silly and forgetful stand-in that served as national figurehead for the old geezer's two terms was actually a modified porpoise named Flipper Kagemusha created by the CIA with considerable assistance from the Actor's Guild and Industrial Light and Magic. 

By 1990, Reagan's brain had begun to deteriorate from the massive doses of steroids necessary to create the illusion that a human still inhabited his bumbling body, and plans were set in motion to lose one for the Flipper. 

Two years ago, when Keiko Cavanaugh was being transferred from a pen at the Oregon Coast Aquarium to a minimum security prison at a desolate fjord in the North Sea, then Acting Secretary of the Air Force F. Whitten Peters helped smuggle the former president aboard the C-17 Globemaster III aircraft from the 15th Airlift Squadron, Charleston Air Force Base, S.C. that delivered Keiko to Westman Island, Iceland. 

The romance between Keiko and Flipper was uneventful as the two marine mammals shared blissful meals together under the watchful eyes of their captors. 

Now Keiko is under 24-hour a day suicide watch as officials ponder what to do if Flipper doesn't recover from his wounds. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Don't respect no highfalutes. Leading the blind since 1896.

I’m Almost Missing the Good Ol Bush Days

But not really. Writing about the enduring lunacy of 8 years of malign incompetence and its disasterous consequences several times a day was someteimes truly painful. I find it amusing that Republicans invariably fuck the economy up for ordinary people and then blame their predecessors, presumably for setting citizens’ expectations too high.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 

Bush Turns Economy Around

WASHINGTON (YU) – Bush administration officials pointed to failed policies of the Clinton administration to explain why the U.S. economy screeched to a barely audible 0.7 percent growth rate this spring, the worst performance in eight years, as multinational corporations began looking to outer space for safe investments. 

The pitiful increase in gross domestic product - the country's total output of fast food and ephemeral services - in the latest quarter followed a consumptive 1.3 percent growth rate in the first quarter. If all goes according to Bush administration plan, the country will have negative growth until the revolution or Armageddon (“whichever comes first”), the Commerce Department reported Friday. 

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that President Goober W. Bush was not attempting to take complete credit for putting the brakes on the runaway economy that resulted in rampant prosperity and nearly total employment during the Clinton years. 

“There should be no mistake on when the softness in the economy actually began,” Fleischer said, pointing at a chart that showed former President Clinton hugging Monica Lewinsky. 

The economic paralysis in the second quarter came from a monstrous 33.6 percent cutback in spending on flower seeds and potted perennials by American gardeners. That was the worst reduction since the spring of 1982, when the country was bogged down in the worst recession since the dustbowl years of the 1930s. 

Many economists have begun predicting that the GDP will slip into negative territory in the third quarter, signaling the start of the first recession since the Reagan years, a recession most Republicans blame on failed policies of the Kennedy and Johnson administrations. 

Although growth remained positive for the second quarter, the rate was the weakest since a 0.1 percent rate of decline in the first quarter of 1993 as the pungent nectar of supply-side theories slowly trickled down the country's economic leg. The latest statistics simply emphasize the painful irregularity still facing the economy. 

“This was a painful quarter. Business investors got really twisted with some really wicked shit,” said Tyrone Shoemaker, chief masturbator at John Hancock. “But at least the economy throbbed and ached like a normal penis. There's a big difference between heading up and heading down even if it does dribble out your mouth just the same.” 

The Gore administration in exile and many interstellar economists believe the third quarter presents opportunities of maximum danger for the economy. If all Americans spend the $40 billion in tax relief now showing up in the form of rebate checks simultaneously, the planet may teeter off its axis and hurtle into the sun, ending all hope for a speedy economic recovery. This is why they persuaded the Bush administration to spread the refunds out over several weeks. 

However, some economists are still worried that Americans may decide not to spend their checks at all and will instead hide them under their beds, where ogres, bag ladies, and other economic enemies might use the money for terrorism. 

To fight off the inevitable downturn, the Fed has slashed interest rates six times this year, totaling 2.75 percentage points. Many economists believe Fed policymakers will cut rates again at their next meeting on Aug. 21 by at least a quarter-point so that rich Americans will start earning interest on their auto loans. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Don't diss no prostitutes. Leading the blind since 1896. 

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Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Problems Since 1896. Accept No Substitutes.