Yesterday

There’s nothing funny about unsafe driving

Was I being overly unfair on the Bush girls? Whatever happened to Little Timmy McVeigh after his escape?

Bush Twins Suspected In Fatal Crash

Marshall Proust
The March of Mimes
All The News To Give You Fits
Yossarian Universal News Service
May 31 2001 9:32PM

NORTH LITTLE ROCK (YU) – Dubyamint twins Babs and Jenna Elfman Bush are being sought in connection with a chain reaction accident on I-30 that left more than 230,000 people dead and nearly one million injured. The under-aged drinkers are believed to have started the accident when they tossed a Secret Service agent from their speeding Jetta while attempting to elude mainstream paparazzi.

The Bushes were apparently on their way to Terra Haute, Indiana, where, according to close underage friends, “they plan to party hardy when their daddy puts Little Timmy McVeigh down on Flag Day.” Their father, President Goober W. Bush is rumored to be planning a surprise visit Monday to administer a lethal injection to the Oklahoma City diversabomber.

Officials are calling the I-30 accident the worst vehicular disaster on planet earth since the 1987 collision in Addis Ababa caused when the driver of an oxen-powered famine-relief cart swerved to avoid a life-sized dummy tossed from an overpass by vandals onto one of Ethiopia’s busiest thoroughfares. The official death toll in that catastrophe stands at 1,342,682, although many believe hundreds of thousands of missing are still buried beneath a pile of twisted wood and straw in that Central African nation.

The Bush twins have frequently been in the news in recent weeks as they attempt to establish careers as tabloid personalities.
© Copyright 2003, Faustroll, Ligi , and Associates. All rights reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Posted: Thu - May 31, 2001 at 04:08 PM



Turn your head and cough out your ass

The current First Douchebag has surrounded himself with a gaggle of pretty bad hombres but he’s only trying to bigly outdo the fucked up job that former First Idiot Georgie Bush with his cabinet of malignant dildos.

Ashcroft Proclaims System Is Innocent

WASHINGTON (YU) – Attorney General John Ashcroft today blasted Timothy McVeigh's decision to abandon all appeals of his death sentence, calling the condemned man "a collateral coward." McVeigh is scheduled to be put down like an old yeller dog tomorrow while President Goober W. Bush hosts the South Lawn T-ball championships. 

Tomorrow is also Flag Day, by executive order, and all flags will fly proudly at full staff. 

As recently as Thursday, Ashcroft hailed recent court decisions to deny a stay of execution for the admitted bomber of the Alfred E. Newman building in Oklahoma City as “a big win for all of us in justice.” 

But now Ashcroft is considering asking the Supreme Court to file its own request for a stay on McVeigh's behalf which Ashcroft says he will oppose “with the full resources of this great country of ours. It is not enough to execute a guilty evil one to send a clear message to our enemies here and abroad about the strength of our resolve, but we must also reaffirm the essential goodness and innocence of our way of life.” 

McVeigh has also declined to ask clemency from President Goober Bush, who spent Sunday in Terre Haute with his twin daughters, Jenna and Babs, preparing for tomorrow's festivities. RV-1 is parked at the Arthur Godfrey Amusement Center, conveniently located across from the prison. 

Meanwhile, bookmakers are still taking wagers on McVeigh's last supper. Despite increasing evidence that the decorated Gulf War veteran has decided to die for American mankind's sins, Warden Harley Davidson said McVeigh has yet to make up his mind on what wants to chow down on before he returns to sit at the right hand of his father in heaven.

"He keeps changing what he wants,” Davidson said. "Right now, he's asking for two Moon Pies and an RC Cola.” 

Whatever McVeigh finally decides, this much is clear: his final meal can come from the prison or any restaurant in the Terre Haute area, but it cannot cost more than $130, or the rough equivalent of 30 pieces of silverware at Walmart.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. We've been leading the blind since 1896. 

Posted Wednesday, June 06, 2001 



Some people just won’t give up

Remember Timothy McVeigh? Neither do I. But you can be sure the Bundinistas do.

McVeigh Won’t Pursue Further Appeals

DENVER (YU) – Speaking by phone through an interpreter from an undisclosed location near the mess tent of Libyan Leader Moammar Gaddafi, fugitive Oklahoma City diversabomber Timothy McVeigh vowed to fight all attempts to delay his repeated execution. 

Bush administration Attorney General John Ashcroft had been ordered by the Supreme Court to suspend daily exhumation and pillorying of the corpse removed from the Terre Haute death chamber after relatives of missing Fleetwood Mac singer Christine McVie furnished white Supremacist Antonin “Tiny Tony” Scalia with copies of a Web cast that allegedly shows McVeigh mooning the closed circuit TV and pulling a handwritten copy of William Ernest Henley's “Invictus” out of his poop chute. 

Joining Scalia in his injunction was Judge Sandra Dee O'Connor who wrote, “Multiple wrongs seldom make a right, and crucifying the wrong person on a daily basis is certainly wrong.” Clarence “Pube Daddy” Thomas and David Souter dissented, arguing “blind justice is, by its very nature, insensitive to questions of right and wrong.” 

Chief Justice William Rehnquist scheduled a closed-door meeting for Wednesday to hear arguments on why the crucifixions shouldn't resume, pending positive identification of the corpse. 

Judy Punction, a spokeswoman for Ashcroft's office, noted that the British people still periodically exhume the bones of Oliver Cromwell to prove a point that no one in England can remember. 

Survivors and relatives of those killed in the Oklahoma City bombing were stunned to learn that McVeigh had escaped. Many survivors said it was hard to cope with this latest twist after six years of trial, appeals and a delay last month after FBI officials revealed they had not turned over some 4,000 documents at McVeigh's 1997 trial. 

"Right now, I just don't give a shit. I used to be pissed, but now I just don't care,” said Miller Williams, a retired poet from Hoxie, Arkansas. He was severely injured in the April 19, 1995, blast that killed 168 people, injured hundreds and blew the Edward R. Morrow federal office building to bits in one of the worst acts of terrorism on American soil not conducted with the full approval of state and federal law enforcement agencies. 

McVeigh, 33, was originally scheduled for crucifixion on May 16 but puppet master John Ashcroft delayed that until June 11 after President Goober W. Bush decided it would be fun to execute McVeigh and celebrate Flag Day at the same time. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Originally posted June 6, 2001



You can go your own way

People occasionally tell me — scratch that — they OFTEN tell me that something I’ve said or written or thought is not funny, is too soon to be funny, or will never be funny, but that doesn’t change anything, particularly what I think is funny. And what I think is funny and when it is funny is everything and whenever. Take the Oklahoma City bombing and Stevie Nicks.

Fleetwood Mac Member Executed in Error 

TERRE HAUTE (YU) — Survivors and family members of the victims of the 1995 Alfred E. Newman Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City expressed shock and anger when informed that Timothy McVeigh apparently escaped from the U.S. Penitentiary here while being transferred from his 8-by-10 cell to a holding closet where he was supposed to await death by lethal injection and crucifixion. 

Officials declined comment on how the decorated Gulf War veteran managed to avoid punishment for the worst act of domestic terrorism since the systematic annihilation of Native American populations in the late nineteenth century. They did confirm, however, that an autopsy revealed that the corpse removed from the death chamber belonged to singer Christine McVie of the rock group Fleetwood Mac. 

When told by incredulous reporters of numerous McVeigh sightings in Dallas, Cairo, Baghdad, and Addis Ababa, White House Press Secretary, Howard Hungh muttered: “Damn that boy to hell.” President Goober W. Bush was hosting a T-ball tournament on the South Lawn and did not want to be disturbed. 

In recent weeks, McVeigh has infuriated dim bulb American pontificators by his unwillingness to repent for his sins. Increasingly, in fact, McVeigh has argued that he was prepared to die for America's sins. He claimed that he is being killed over a question of semantics. 

During the Gulf War, Generals Arnold Schwartzeneggerkopf and Colon Bowel were often heard referring to the rumored slaughter of thousands of Iraqi women and children as collateral damage. 

According to at least one reliable source, after the incidents at Ruby Ridge and the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, which resulted in the deaths of several less-than-affluent American women and children, McVeigh vowed to “show these damn countrymen of mine exactly what collateral damage looks like.” 

Now that McVeigh is on the loose again, Americans are urged to report anyone seen buying fertilizer or diesel fuel and to avoid leaving their children in daycare facilities operating out of public buildings. 

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are already suggesting that the Bush administration orchestrated the death of McVie and perhaps had a hand in planning McVeigh's escape. They point out that Fleetwood Mac was a favorite of previous President Bill Clinton and that he had made one of their songs Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow) an anthem for his presidency, which was marked by eight years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001 



An Apple a day

I told you all Jobs are evil. Take The Bible.

Please.

Satan To Sue Apple Over Trademark Flap

HELL (YU) — Attorneys for the deceased founder of the Church of Satan have filed notice with the San Francisco department of public works of his intention to pursue a slander suit against Apple Computer, the company that ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II. 

In early January, Apple Computer Inc. and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATF) had blockaded the Church of Satan Web site in northern Idaho after reports that church members were stockpiling Cauzin strip readers and obscene Hypercard stacks. Officials for the Idaho Child Protective Services (CPS) suspected two surviving offspring of Branch Davidian martyr David Khoresh who were serving as Webdominatrix and Webslave were involved.

While spokeswomen for Apple and the government claim the withholding of food, water, and basic utilities from the group was not intended to silence their message, critics claim that Apple, who reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh and bases much of its brand value on eschewing idolatry was offended by the use of its slogan: “Think different” and was acting “like its shorts was riding up its ass.” 

That slogan had been tattooed on the abdomen of the exhumed corpse of Anton Szandor LaVey, a digital photo of which greeted visitors to the Church of Satan home page, until last Friday when hackers vandalized the site, replacing the “Made with Macintosh” Web badge with an “Intel Inside” logo.

LaVey gained fame in 1967 as the first gay lion-tamer in San Francisco who had started his own church. He starred in Roman Polanski's Rosemary Baby, and often presided over cabinet meetings during the Reagan administration. 

Webdominatrix Labilla Vernon Wanker built the site on a Macintosh iMac, and the server runs on a ten-year old Mac SE but she said she'd been told to stop using the Apple trademarks when a Bradley tank carrying a squad of lawyers burst through her garage and crushed her autistic twin daughters.

“Artistic!” Wanker corrected. “Artistic!"

An Apple spokeswoman declined to comment in any manner on the matter, except to say that it is committed to bringing the best personal computing experience to students, educators, creative professionals and consumers around the world through its innovative hardware, software and Internet offerings.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Monday, June 18, 2001  



The blame game preview

While the media hurries to divert your gaze from their terrible response to president* Donnie Dumbo’s teleprompter reading to a joint session of illicit Congressionaldroids last Tuesday after lunch by running a series of stories about how much better former First Idiot Fubar Dubya Bush looks now that he’s become a kind of Grampa Moses, don’t forget that he wasn’t even a zircon in the rough during his days as Pretender in Chief.

Bush Blames Gore for Economic Woes

ANTWERP (YU) — While his handlers made frantic calls for guidance on how to repair the damage done by his latest assertion that France should change its underpants to prevent the spread of foot and mouth disease, President Goober W. Bush addressed a gathering of atmospheric scientists here on global warming. 

Reading a worn page from the imaginary wisdom of former president Flipper Reagan, Bush blamed alarming increases in greenhouse gases on cow flatulence, stalled timber sales and coal mining moratoriums in wilderness areas. He also complained that the European Union hasn't been doing enough to fight crime and drug use in America's inner cities. 

On Monday, Bush countered charges that he had the economic savvy of a warthog by asking for a dictionary. He then complained bitterly that people were using foreign words and said he hated meetings with subtitles.

Bush was also disappointed to discover that the Louvre wasn't a factory where they make hood scoops for turbocharged Fords, but he reserved his greatest displeasure for being informed that the Vatican, Berlin, Gibraltar, and Paris weren't located in Belgium. 

When asked if he had an opinion on what precipitated the worldwide economic collapse that began shortly after he stole the American election last November, Bush declined to speculate, but did mention that his chief economic advisors, like Fed Charwoman Norman Greenbaum, had told him about something called Mad Dow disease which turns the brains of investors into the consistency of grits and makes them unable to give the correct change at toll booths. 

During a brief question and answer period following a T-ball game in Amsterdam to commemorate the DVD special edition release of Saving Private Ryan, Bush directed several hundred people to the wrong restroom.

Although he later told reporters he was just joking, Bush at one point expressed disgust with former vice president Al Gore for inventing pornography and putting it on the Internet. “That is the single most evil thing that has brought about our morass and wanting it to the point where we expend our vital fluidific energy whereupon it and resulting you know in whatever, but that Gore, let me tell you, what can I say?” 

The Bush administration now employs signers who don't understand ASL whenever the President attempts to speak.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001 



And then it gets worse

I had almost forgotten about Jesse Helms and North Carolina, despite having lived there for a few years when John East was affectionately known as Helms on Wheels.

Helms Calls Bush “No Good Two-Timer"

WASHINGTON (YU) — Sen. Jesse Helms, senile Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, criticized President Bush today for “an excessively physical endorsement” of Russian President Flatumir “Rootin' Tootin'” Putin. Reports out of Kosovo have suggested that Bush gave his Russian counterpart a “world-class hummer” during a weekend barbecue at the Russian embassy that turned into a “rowdy frat-boy kegger.” 

At a closed-door investigation into Bush's trip last week to Europe to announce his candidacy for leader of the free world, Helms said he was “raising my formidable eyebrows” over Bush's assertion that Putin “partied like a Kappa,” was “a remarkable putter” and a leader with whom “we, and I'm certain I speak for myself here, share uncommon moral values.” 

With Secretary of State Colon Bowel preparing to lie about NATO's determination to quell dissent in Macadamia, Helms attempted to read from a long list of complaints about Putin's leadership.

He noted that the Russian press was only marginally less free than its American complement. He meant to bemoan the “jackboots of oppression” but instead wailed about the “jackass of depression.” As his impassioned speech built to a ludicrous crescendo of incoherence, Helms railed against “farm-control obfuscation Wheaties that are heretofore being violated and dang-fool harpoon technologies what done been transferred to fugue states, such as Iraqi leaders and Kato Whatisname.” 

Helms was particularly annoyed that Bush had yet to deliver on a pledge to perform oral sex on the aging southern idiot if Bush ascended to the throne in Washington while still trailing his brain-dead opponent by more than half a million votes. Aides close to the Senator confide that the racist's recent irritability may be the result of an inherited sexual dysfunction known as “azure testicles.” 

“For these reasons,” Helms thundered, “Mr. Putin is a sad state removed from deserving the powerful political prestige and subversion that comes from an excessively physical personal endorsement from the lips of the president of the United States.” 

The North Carolina senator concluded with manic vigor, “Prematurely impregnating a relationship with this slutty roosky only bias cuts what slender carrots he has to reorient Russia's sexual identity and foreign affairs.” 

At the beginning of the meeting, the committee chairman, Sen. Joseph Bidet, D-Del., praised Bush's actions in Europe and said he was “extremely excited” by the talks Bush held with European leaders on issues of semen hole importance. 

Bidet replaced Helms as the chief sanitary fixture of the committee when Democrats regained control of the Senate after the defection of Republican Sen. James “Swiss Family Robinson” Jeffords of Vermont, who became despondent. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2001 



In the beginning was the NBA

Just kidding. First there was God who invented the concept of ownership. Everything else was gravy. Does anyone even remember the Red Hot and Balling Portland Tail Braisers anymore? This used to be funny.

Bush Names Wallace Special Envoy 

TEL AVIV (YU) – President Goober W. Bush, acting with an incomplete grasp of key concepts of international diplomacy and sports marketing, today named Rasheed Wallace, the Portland Trailblazer's volatile starting forward, as special envoy to the Middle East. The deal comes after Bush hit the wrong key on his speed dial and invited Blazer general manager Bob Whitsitt to the White House to celebrate the NBA championship. Eventual champion Los Angeles Lakers swept the Blazers in the first round of the Western Conference playoffs. 

The precise details of the trade are unclear at this time, but it appears to involve several key NBA players, two former ambassadors, an embattled microchip manufacturer that prefers to remain anonymous, an undisclosed cash payment to the Republican National Party, and twin teenage girls. 

While some observers question the wisdom of sending a surly underachiever to broker a lasting peace in one of the most explosive regions in the world today, at least one expert is applauding the move as “creative, daring, and it could go down as one of the shrewdest moves Trader Bob has ever made.” 

Sports activist and clinical psychologist Marc Anthony Chapman told CNN this morning, “The Blazers are better off for this. Rasheed is better off. It's a monkey off Whitsitt's back, and if it brings peace to the Middle East, Bush can come off smelling like a rose.” 

When asked what happens if the temperamental Wallace throws a towel in the face of negotiators as he did to fellow teammate Arvydas Sabonis late in the season, Chapman said, “So what's the big deal? Things can't get much worse over there than they are right now.” 

Wallace holds the NBA record for most technical fouls in a season. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896. 

Originally posted Friday, June 08, 2001 


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