Yesterday

Back in the day when Bush was king...

Hard to believe it was only 9 years ago when another ignorant piece of shit was president of the United States of Assholes and driving the economy off the fiscal cliff.

Bush: It's Clear Queers, Liberals And Terrorists Have Slowed Economy

The really sad thing is many ignorant Americans still believe most of the drool that passes for communication when it drips from the malignant lips of the spokesidiots of this great democracy of yours. I was only accidentally born into this mess, and I have yet to hear a compelling argument to convince me to pledge allegiance to family and friends, much less politicians and bureaucrats.

And the liberal media? If the media is liberal — and American liberals are among the least tolerant ignoroids I've had the unfortunate opportunity to dissociate with since elementary school — why does it continue to play the NOMF™ like a digital drum set?

The real story is not how hard Johnny "Hanoi Hilton" McCain is having to work to rise above the battle of the Democratic Titanics. It's not about whether a Chicago political tool can caucus his way to a nomination that is sure to McGovern the 2008 race and give this sorry ass morally corrupt NOMF™ four more years of the kind of entertainment the liberal media has been feeding it for 20 years. The story isn't even about binary existence. Does the world need more zeroes, or more ones?

I don't give a fuck about binary existence. That's all horseshit. Gating and workflow are not human. I really don't care about holding effective meetings. All that necessary drool you learn in management school and liberal arts and engineering? It's all horseshit. Voting is horseshit. It is neither a right, nor a responsibility. It is a confession to be used against you when your pathetic nation of miserable fucks loses the big game and somebody has to be stapled to billboards to send a message to other idiots just like you that this is what happens when you bet on the wrong team.

George Bush should have never become president to begin with. He should never have been governor of Texas. You know who made George Bush the idiot he is, was, and ever shall be? American voters. Ordinary idiots. 

Hey there people, you're Bobby Brown. You think you're the specialist thing in town. Watch it now. You're going down.

Originally posted: Friday - March 07, 2008 at 12:15 PM   


The more things change...

As I've been going back cleaning up typos and other slips (never of intention or derision, because I think that the first burst of insight into the problem presented by common sense is often more insightful than anything Christ would have to say, if he wasn't already 2000 years dead, and an uppity jew to begin with), I recognize that I'm not good. 

I don't want be good. Being good doesn't make me feel good. Making you feel good doesn't make me feel good. In fact, nothing makes me feel good, to the point that I have begun to suspect that people like me are not born into this shit hole to feel good, and we are not here to make you feel good, whoever you are, and that makes me feel good. That's enough for me.

I'm currently in the market for fingers from Iraq voters. I'm paying a dime a finger, but it's got to be purple and fresh. I don't want stale fingers from dead people who weren't willing to sacrifice their lives to promote freedomocracy to help the First Idiot convince Americans to dismantle the Social Security system because the Iraqinese were willing to vote for blank slates on meaningless ballots with candidates they may never learn the names of until the next century.

Already I've got 3,000 purple fingers, or more than the equivalent sanctioned body count for the day that changed everything, even after discarding nearly 9,000 fingers that were clearly not the sanctioned index fingers required to validate the election of a bunch of morons yet to be named. I know a Rockefeller salute when I see one.

What am I going to do with more than 9,000 fingers that don’t meet the expressly stated requirements of our rebate program?

I've been feeding a handful every night to the coyotes, but they're not really hungry. At the current consumption rate, I'm not sure when I'll be able to clean out the garage. I would really like to include fingers from the President and his supporters. Wasn't it brave how they displayed them during the State of the Union address? I'll pay 20 cents a digit for those worthless appendages. Hell, I'd be willing to pay a dollar for entire limbs off those arrogant pissants. 

Let's really bring it on. I can't take much more of the lunacy called The American Way.

Originally posted: Thursday - February 03, 2005 at 08:17 PM  


You think this is bad? This ain’t so bad

So what do you do when some honkey artifact collector offers your ancestor’s bones for sale on eBay? Make sure your PayPal account is current?

Judge Calls For Kennewick DNA Tests 

SCAPPOOSE (YU) — Arguments in a lawsuit brought by several itinerant anthropologists seeking to convert the bones of a 9,300 year old homeless man they found into knick-knacks will resume today in this picturesque encampment near the Columbia River. Proceedings were moved here over the weekend when Portland Police accidentally destroyed the downtown core while attempting to disperse an angry band of 20 unarmed protestors, 10 of whom were killed. 

U.S. Magistrate Studs McKenzie ordered the MacDonald's on U.S. 30 closed until the trial concludes or Portland is rebuilt, whichever comes first. McKenzie says he needs time and space to “fully digest the arguments” before issuing a ruling in this frivolous case. 

On Monday, Harralambus Modestus, a barber from southest Portland, filed his own claim on the bones, claiming that the Kennewick Man, as the find has come to be called, was actually Calvin Modestus, his great-great-grandfather, 1,587 times removed on his adoptive mother's side. He asked the judge to release the corpse to the family so it could be buried in the family plot in Westmoreland. 

The self-taught scientists sued the federal government in 1996 after the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers said they were going to sell the remains to lawyers for five Columbia Basin tribes who want to display the skeleton at their casino alongside the body of Jesus Christ, the subject of an cult-favorite novel by regional writer Tom Robbins. 

McKenzie delayed the lawsuit in 1997 to spend half a year hunting and fishing in Alaska. He ordered the government to reconsider its position, but the government refused to do so. 

Forensics specialists called in to examine the find determined that there was a 97% chance that this ancient corpse was either the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, Daniel “Bones” Cooper, or the fugitive remains of People's Temple Founder Jim Jones. 

Tribal representatives countered with evidence of their own that proved the Kennewick Man was the sole titleholder of more than 2 billion acres of valuable land in the Pacific Northwest. 

The sides have been sparring ever since. 

In a related development, O. J. Simpson arrived on Sunday to question the Kennewick Man, vowing to pursue all leads to bring the killer of his late wife to justice. 

Meanwhile, Multnomah County Assistant District Attorney Norm Frink is rumored to be convening a grand jury to consider charges of inciting to riot against two of the protestors killed by police during the weekend riots in Portland. 

Frink is best known for his dogged pursuit of Tonya Harding after the ludicrous baton tap on the leg of U.S. Olympic failure Nancy Kerrigan last century. 

It was Frink who popularized the new American ideal in jurisprudence, which says: “Everyone is innocent until they're charged,” managing to slaughter logic, fairness, and the English language in a single breath. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896 

Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2001



What you’ll find here

Since the mid-sixties, the staff and patients at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat (PPOCLL) have traveled this ravaged countryside from sea to sludgy sea, north and south, east and west, from the smallest bombed out hamlet of pitiable moral morons to the megalopoli of the richly ripe and wasted, all the while studying the stupidity, self-satisfaction, and wooden-headedness that has made the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) one of the greatest disappointments in the known universe.

This electronic equivalent of the fossil record collects some of the thankless work our ragged crew has insinuated into the incoherent conversation that some call history, a tale foisted upon losers by an army of commercially motivated oppressors.

Here you will find PPOCLL posts from the late 70s and early 80s, Yossarian Universal dispatches, selections from Ask Dr. Faustroll and Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs, reporting and opinion from Uncommon Sense, sporadic forays into ZNet Interactive, along with dehumanistic observations on life and art.

For instance, here’s an item from Uncommon Sense that originally appeared in 2004 and was stored on the personal server of someone whose name you’d recognize in a second, if I could only remember it. 

Gay Islamic Zombies Join Sadr Budweiser Insurgents

Jorge Humberto Romero
Foreign Correspondent
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament
0605152004YU123246PSTYMEYU

AN NAJAF (PMS) — Hundreds of undead revelers were shot in their heads during a belated Final Four celebration that turned violent this morning, leading to fierce fighting in and around Najaf's centuries-old Gates of Eden cemetery northwest of the shrine of Mohammed Ali, the most sacred site in Shiite pugilistic circles, said Ahmet Kheli Sadr spokesman Sheikh Yerbouti Shaboomi.

Witnesses reported some of the fiercest combat seen in Najaf since Sadr began raising the dead for his insurgency more than a month ago in response to coalition forces removing Bloom County from the local Sunday newspaper and replacing it with The Family Circus

"The Mehta Army has thousands of martyrs," Shaboomi said. "We are ready to confront any American force whatever its size, and we will eat their brains with relish or without relish. Allah says this will be so.” 

Armed men in black speedos wearing brightly colored scarves and elaborate turbans bedecked with floral arrangements were seen prancing around the crowded cemetery and digging up other graves to add to their unstoppable army of gaily boisterous cadavers as US tanks and helicopters began adding to their ranks by bombing residents unfortunate to be living in the area. 

Shooting was also heard from the southern and western entrances to the city, and hospital sources said seven people, including an Afghan pilgrim named Rooster Cockburn, had been wounded. 

Iran and Shiite Muslim leaders had warned the United States that the Iraqi holy cities of Najaf and Karbala were "red lines" not be crossed and now have vowed to begin raising the dead in the United States as well. "We will take the battle to the infidels and they will know the meaning of hunger.

But US Major General Jack Dempsey told PMS reporters that American troops came under attack from the cemetery and fired back. "We never give up the right of self-defense but we will as much as possible honor the sensitivity of the religious sites. These gay zombies though will not be tolerated," he said. 

Najaf governor Adman al-Serif told PMS late Thursday that a "US entry into the center of Najaf may be imminent" and that thousands of starving zombies are gathering to feast on coalition grey matter, despite its paucity and poor quality. A statement posted on an Islamist website attributed to Abdul Axis al-Moran, the Al-Qaeda chief in Saudi Arabia, said the Egyptian mummy network was now also helping Iraqis fighting US forces. 

Elsewhere, a US marine was killed by an exploding cream pie in Al-Tanbark province west of Baghdad, the coalition said Friday, the 778th soldier to die of pie-related causes since the liberation of Iraq in March last year. 

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat (a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace) provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.


©1946-2017 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates, in conjunction with The Portland Physical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat and The Church of the Oven of Peace.
Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Problems Since 1896. Accept No Substitutes.