Aren’t We All A Little Guilty?

Microsoft and Michael Jackson. A match made in marketing.

Microsoft Guilty But Jackson Insane 

by Clarence Darrow 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 2, 2001 00:53 AM 

MIAMI (YU) – Microsoft declared victory today when the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit found the predatory oligarchy guilty of illegally maintaining a monopoly in flagrant violation of Article II of the Sherman antitrust act, but set aside the breakup order issued by U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield “The Penguin” Jackson because, as a perky aid to an anonymous appeals court justice put it, “that's the American Way.” 

In ruling that Microsoft should be allowed to continue to dictate the meaning of innovation by restricting what people can do in the privacy of their own homes, the appeals court cited public education, the railroads, public utilities, spectator sports, interstate transportation, and American culture in general as evidence that monopolistic expansionism is simply one contemporary expression of the Monroe doctrine and that one man's Microsoft is another man's manifest destiny. 

The court also ordered the arrest and imprisonment of Judge Jackson at the State Nervous Institution in Eddyville, Kentucky, for the rest of his natural life. Jackson, who (despite his glove-wielding outbursts during the trial) is no blood relation to the talented black family of popular minstrels, is believed to have fled the country with a missing intern. He is also wanted in connection with several Web cams installed in mobile restrooms that were traced to his portable computer, a tangerine Apple clamshell iBook. 

Despite Microsoft's claims of victory and the ease with which Herr Gates and company managed to eliminate The Penguin, the Appeals Court decision also traded the rights to all future Microsoft Dynamic Link Libraries to the Emirate of Frunobulax for two Benedictine outfielders and a left-handed Franciscan shortstop to be named later. 

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates had also been ordered to surrender himself to Netscape founder Marc Andreesen next Monday to begin two years of community service on a 24/7 customer service help desk. Gates will hum show tunes to replace an expired Muzak subscription on Netscape's obsolete phone mail system. 
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