Back When Elections Weren’t Rigged

And Florida was funnier than Hee-Haw. This resurrects a question I’ve always had about why no one questioned the results of the 1972 election when Watergate was only part of the process of rigging an election so that Nixon and Kissinger could kill more gooks. Also there’s some prescient speculation about Russian President Vlad the Impudent, and another twist on the “bill of rights” motif so popular among manipulative jerks.

Bush Tries Heimlich Maneuver On Congress

by Hans Christian 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
July 9, 2001 08:05 AM

WASHINGTON (YU) - President  Goober W. Bush, in the third week of celebrating his 55th birthday, challenged Congress on Monday to impeach Senator James Jeffords (Ind-VT) for treason, end public education, invade Baghdad to overthrow Winston Churchill, donate all government property to religious charities, explain why microbreweries are so great, quit whining about global warming, and get over the fact that his brother Jeb manipulated the Florida election totals.

"Hell, you want rigged," Bush wailed, gesturing widely, “where were you people in 1972  when the only state that even had paper in the voting booths was Massachusetts?"

White House officials tried to paint the idiotic episode in a favorable light, saying that Goober's inebriated statement was the first step in a two-week strategy that is still evolving but may be designed to regain control of the political agenda from Senate Democrats, including Strom Thurmond, who in recent weeks has been on life support. They pointed out his playful interaction with a ResusciAnnie inflatable doll during the taped incident.

Never particularly bright, the President seems genuinely confused by negative comments about his overseas trip where he gave Russian President Vladimir Putin the keys to Air Force One. He doesn't understand,  say  some aides, that the American people apparently don't find a return to unemployment levels unseen since his father toyed with the nation as a repudiation of the lack of family values shown during the Clinton administration.

On Monday, Goober tried to make America forget what he said when asked why he and former President Stupid Bush the First wore baseball caps with numbers 41 and 43 emblazoned on them. “Because that’s our IQs!” he shouted gleefully, “and you said I was the dumb one,” poking his ailing father hard enough to break two ribs.

The new Republican PR strategy appears to focus attention on the bumbling nincompoop's strengths, which many people now admit, is the ability to appear stupid and drunk even while sleeping. As a result, Goober is abandoning his energy plan, his foreign initiative, campaign finance reform, and anything else he may have said he believed in at one time or another.

For now, the president is taking full responsibility for physicians' rights legislation, which is an issue championed by the new Democratic majority in the Senate. "This Congress must act on a doctors' bill of rights — one with a second amendment in it, one that recognizes that doctors are important, not lawyers," he said, while hundreds of his handlers tried to shut him up.

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