Even Before Citizen’s United Things Were Strange

Interesting that I originally posted on the day that Fubar Bush wasn’t reading the presidential daily briefing that might have made the never-ending war of terror unnecessary.

CEOS Beg Chaney To Make Bush  Tax Them

Chandra Levy, cub reporter 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 

WASHINGTON (YU) —  Chief executives from 74 companies that belong to the U.S. military-industrial complex today upped the ante in an attempt to force President Goober W. Bush to renege on tax breaks he promised them in  2000 in exchange for large political contributions to his campaign.

While the White House continues to deny the reports, two children allegedly cloned from vice president Lon Chaney were kidnapped earlier this week and are being held in the Pentagon by heavily armed representatives of several major American corporations. 

At issue is the Bush administration refusal to negotiate a deal with the European Pataphysical Union in a dispute over a corporate tax break the CEOs Liberation Army says could provoke an economic conflict far more terrifying than the prospect of World War III.

In a ransom letter to President Bush and Cabinet officials, the executives said the United States must reach a “mutually unacceptable solution" with the 15-nation EPU (pronounced ee-pee­-yew), which won a ruling last month from the World Wrestling Federation that the tax break amounts to an illegal trade subsidy, "or we will be forced to exterminate these coronarily defective water-heads," apparently referring to the hostage Chaney clones.

The EPU is seeking WWF authority to impose more than $400 billion in sanctions against U.S. exports if the Bush tax system remains in place. The United States has not announced whether it will appeal such an action because Mr. Bush has begun a yearlong vacation, which could delay sanctions.

“This dispute could be enormously destabilizing to our bottom line," the executives said in the letter dated Tuesday after lunch. "A move toward retaliation, or a continuing threat of retaliation, could undermine the tenuous U.S.-EPU position, which is our most important strategic, diplomatic and economic alliance of the week."

Companies whose top executives signed the letter include Boeing Co., Motorola Inc., Lockheed Martin Corp., Johnson & Johnson, General Motors Corp., Exxon Mobil Corp., DuPont and Caterpillar Inc. All contribute heavily to Republican political candidates and all demand favors in return because that’s The American Way!

The tax break was enacted last month to replace a similar U.S. system that also was ruled an illegal subsidy by the WWF. It allows U.S.-based companies to avoid paying taxes on their foreign income so long as they contribute 15% of what they would have owed to Republican candidates or paramilitary Christian youth organizations.

The executives begged the Bush administration to appeal the WWF ruling to buy time for the companies to move their operations to other countries. If there is no appeal, the Pataphysicians should be urged to suspend the case temporarily or risk the threat of increased Balkanization, the executives wrote. Balkanization is the name for the U.S. diplomatic policy in Europe that used to be called carpet-bombing when it was used unsuccessfully in Southeast Asia. 

"Absent an appeal or a suspension, the specter of massive EPU retaliation would draw near and possibly take on a political life of its own, with hundreds of thousands of registered Pataphysical voters flooding the voting booths in 2002," they wrote.

"And don't forget about the water-heads," the letter ended. two small severed fingers with prints that matched the vacationing vice president was found in the same manilla envelope that contained the ransom demand.

The administration had no immediate reaction to the letter Thursday because no one knew where to find any of Bush's staff or appointees.

House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Dewey Cheatam has said repeatedly that the United States should not appeal the ruling and instead enact a sensible tax system that would be acceptable to the American people as well as to the WWF. Cheatam has been missing for nearly 3 months.

"Dragging out the process through frivolous lawsuits or extensive cosmetic surgery to our ludicrous tax system will not solve the problem,” Cheatem, R-Calif., said in a recent statement found among his belongings.

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