Hunting Christians is Always Fun

No one is sure where modern Christians came from, particularly in the Americas, where Aramaic is seldom spoken, even in bars

Christians Captured In Montana

Rev. Darwin D. Grimm 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
August 5,  2001  09:52 PM

NINE MILE VALLEY (YU) — Three Oregon children who were liberated from a reeducation camp by their evangelical parents last Wednesday were taken into custody in Missoula County, MT, with their mother, Mary Magdalene Christian. 

The girls' father, Jesus “Izzy” Christian, was shot and killed Friday night by police for failure to produce a valid license and registration. On Sunday, after regaining consciousness during an autopsy, Mr. Christian was arrested and charged with kidnapping, speeding, reckless endangerment, hindering prosecution, interstate flight, rising from the dead, and failure to yield to contemporary values.

A native of Nazareth, Oregon, Izzy Christian was a love child of late Monty Python poofter, Graham Chapman, who called the boy Brian of Nazareth and forced the boy to act in the seminal work of the renowned British dramatic theologians. The boy later survived the CIA-orchestrated massacre at Jonestown, where People's Temple founder, Jim Jones rechristened him. 

But Izzy's real problems with the law began when he met Ruth of Philomath, OR, with whom he begat Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the three girls later seized by the Oregon Department of Child and Despondent Services (CDS) for failure to eat cafeteria food as ordered by CDS. 

The parents were later charged with verbal abuse for having named their children inappropriately, and they were barred from all contact with the girls, who rejected several dozen court-approved names, including Britney, Brandy, Cindy, Bethany, Jennifer, Jessica, Courtney, Laura, Lori, and Cleo. 

The conflict came to a head last week when the girls all jumped up and down in court screaming to be called Christina, Madonna, and Sade Christian, in direct defiance of Judge Judy Katzenschwartz who had ordered the children to sit down and be quiet. 

While the girls were being bussed back to their cells in Coos Bay, Izzy and Mary surprised caseworker Joseph Carpenter at gunpoint in a public restroom and demanded to be taken to Cuba. 

When Carpenter refused, they apparently prayed for him until he gave them his money, his credit cards, and the keys to the Corrections Bus, Further, a charitable donation from Oregon fabulist Ken Kesey. 

The Christians' daring attempt to rescue their children made news around the globe, bringing hope to hundreds of thousands of parents whose children are currently owned by various state and federal organizations. Martin Scorcese is rumored to be in the planning stages of a tetralogy based on the lives of these silly idealists.  Law enforcement officials, meanwhile, are alarmed by all the attention. 

“This is no laughing matter,” said Capt. Peter Rome, who found Mrs. Christian with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego outside a home in west Damascus, about 30 miles from Olive Grove, near Nine Mile Valley Baptist Church. 

“They were out in the manger with their mother,” said Rome, “without a care in the world. But this is such a secluded place. There's no electricity, no phones. It's in the middle of nowhere. They could have got hurt.” 

Montana Children Protective Services took the children, who were unharmed, and placed them in separate cells for their own well-being. They were making arrangements with the CDS to return the girls to a reeducation camp at the Oregon Primate Center later this week. 

“The children are fine,” said Oregon State Police Lt. Pontius Pilate. “We're happy that we have these kids safe and sound with their DNA intact. That's been our primary objective.” 

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