I’m Almost Missing the Good Ol Bush Days

But not really. Writing about the enduring lunacy of 8 years of malign incompetence and its disasterous consequences several times a day was someteimes truly painful. I find it amusing that Republicans invariably fuck the economy up for ordinary people and then blame their predecessors, presumably for setting citizens’ expectations too high.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 

Bush Turns Economy Around

WASHINGTON (YU) – Bush administration officials pointed to failed policies of the Clinton administration to explain why the U.S. economy screeched to a barely audible 0.7 percent growth rate this spring, the worst performance in eight years, as multinational corporations began looking to outer space for safe investments. 

The pitiful increase in gross domestic product - the country's total output of fast food and ephemeral services - in the latest quarter followed a consumptive 1.3 percent growth rate in the first quarter. If all goes according to Bush administration plan, the country will have negative growth until the revolution or Armageddon (“whichever comes first”), the Commerce Department reported Friday. 

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said that President Goober W. Bush was not attempting to take complete credit for putting the brakes on the runaway economy that resulted in rampant prosperity and nearly total employment during the Clinton years. 

“There should be no mistake on when the softness in the economy actually began,” Fleischer said, pointing at a chart that showed former President Clinton hugging Monica Lewinsky. 

The economic paralysis in the second quarter came from a monstrous 33.6 percent cutback in spending on flower seeds and potted perennials by American gardeners. That was the worst reduction since the spring of 1982, when the country was bogged down in the worst recession since the dustbowl years of the 1930s. 

Many economists have begun predicting that the GDP will slip into negative territory in the third quarter, signaling the start of the first recession since the Reagan years, a recession most Republicans blame on failed policies of the Kennedy and Johnson administrations. 

Although growth remained positive for the second quarter, the rate was the weakest since a 0.1 percent rate of decline in the first quarter of 1993 as the pungent nectar of supply-side theories slowly trickled down the country's economic leg. The latest statistics simply emphasize the painful irregularity still facing the economy. 

“This was a painful quarter. Business investors got really twisted with some really wicked shit,” said Tyrone Shoemaker, chief masturbator at John Hancock. “But at least the economy throbbed and ached like a normal penis. There's a big difference between heading up and heading down even if it does dribble out your mouth just the same.” 

The Gore administration in exile and many interstellar economists believe the third quarter presents opportunities of maximum danger for the economy. If all Americans spend the $40 billion in tax relief now showing up in the form of rebate checks simultaneously, the planet may teeter off its axis and hurtle into the sun, ending all hope for a speedy economic recovery. This is why they persuaded the Bush administration to spread the refunds out over several weeks. 

However, some economists are still worried that Americans may decide not to spend their checks at all and will instead hide them under their beds, where ogres, bag ladies, and other economic enemies might use the money for terrorism. 

To fight off the inevitable downturn, the Fed has slashed interest rates six times this year, totaling 2.75 percentage points. Many economists believe Fed policymakers will cut rates again at their next meeting on Aug. 21 by at least a quarter-point so that rich Americans will start earning interest on their auto loans. 

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