Learning Stupidity Is Easy In School

Lunatics with good intentions, well-meaning religious jerks, and the science-averse are always good for a laugh.

Saturday, July 28, 2001

Kids Swear Off Sex To Save Human Race 

HILLSBORO, OR (YU) – Proving that even stupidity can be learned, thirty members of the Mazola High School senior class had their sexual organs removed to make the world safe for democracy and promote economic recovery. “By saying 'No' to sex, we are saying 'Yes!' to the future,” shouted Sarah Jessica Parker, third-string cheerleader with the STARS program. 

STARS, an acronym for Students Today Are Like Really Really Special And Stuff, teaches teenagers that sex is not a good way to perpetuate the species, sex before the age of 50 always leads to abortion and birth defects, and that no sex is completely safe unless it involves rubber gloves, a bunny suit, and an autoclave.

Sponsored by area churches, The Oregonadian, and local organized crime figures in law enforcement, STARS helps young people remove unwanted reproductive tissue before it becomes cancerous in exchange for Britney Spears CDs and tickets to Christian rock performances. 

Since the program began ten years ago, STARS members have actually achieved negative growth by successfully participating in five mass suicides. Jars holding the former reproductive apparati contributed by members are proudly displayed in the lobby outside the gym. 

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