Loch Em Up Dano

Fart gas is a human activity. Climate change is caused by human activity. Climate change is caused by farts.

Watch out. Here comes a rhinoceros.

Nessie Traced To Flatulent Fractures

by Frank Sinatra 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 1, 2001 02:45 AM 

GLASGOW (YU) – After inspiring more than 20 motion pictures, nearly 200 books, and thousands of front page tabloid stories, the Loch Ness monster has turned out to be an illusion perpetuated by the Boy Scouts of America. For nearly thirteen hundred years, young boys have been coerced by the secretive organization to emit their farts into pressurized containers as part of an initiation process whose purpose is little understood. 

The consolidated bean blasts of entire troops of misguided American youth were routinely shipped from Hoboken to Scotland during Jamboree where they were ignited underwater to impress tourists. Over the years, these exploding barrels of tenderfoot recto-ejectamenta have caused the bubbling, rolling waves, god awful stench, and loud ripping noises that convinced reliable witnesses that a monster lived in the depths of the lake. 

Brooklyn-born geologist and former Life Scout Luigi “Big Louie” Pirandello admitted to his own involvement in the crepitating cult at a conference in Edinburgh in late June. Big Louie noted it was no coincidence that the seventh century manuscript in which the Loch Ness monster is first mentioned was the work of Frater Gordo Grosso, the patron saint of legumes. 

Many scientists say that Big Louie's theory of exploding intestinal gas is more plausible than previous explanations, which included roving bands of Negro eels, supply-side histrionics, and a lonely band of pre-mutational Reagans, an illusory clan who once populated this quaint country of kilts and asswipes. 

Rumpole Hiney dismissed Big Louie's theory as “pure swamp gas, a mere threep, a thrill-seeker's splurch that does little to explain the majority of sightings which do not coincide with Boy Scout visitations.” In 1952, Hiney vaguely recalled, he may have seen something in a film shot near the lake by vacationers from Wisconsin or perhaps it was Michigan, who have since died.

Big Louie, who is a retired mime and part-time geologist for the Italian government in exile in Swasiland, specializes in combining data from mythology, trombology, astrology, and irritable bowel syndrome. The results are often dumbfounding. 

Last year, Big Louie wrote a letter to the editor of Geology For Dinner that argued the burning bush from which Moses received the original 15 commandments may have been the effect of fumaroles on Mt. Azoles. Today, most scholars acknowledge that Moses apparently lost five of the commandments while trudging from Mt. Azoles to Mt. Sinai. 

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