One of the Reagan as Keiko’s Lover Stories

I don’t know why I obsessed on a relationship between Keiko the Killer Whale and the Old Rummy, One Minute President Ronald Reagan, but the stories just seemed to write themselves, like the Bowling Green Massacre.

Sunday, July 29, 2001 

Reagan Attacked By Sharks In Iceland 

KLETTSVIK, Iceland (YU) — Former President Ronald F. Reagan was in fair but stable condition at Mother of Mercy Veterinary Hospital tonight after an unprovoked attack by unemployed extras from a bankrupt Russian production of West Side Story.

Anonymous sources including former press secretary David Gergen and a distant cousin of Alexander Haig refused to speculate on why the roving band of precision aquatic prancing youth targeted the senile old rummy.

Intern spokeswoman Chandra Levy refused to comment on rumors that Reagan had split with his wife of 140 years to join convicted serial herring killer Keiko Cavanaugh in Iceland two years ago when they started an Internet salmon farm as part of Cavanaugh's supervised work release. 

Reagan's wife Nancy did not return repeated calls for her resignation, although sources close to the former first lady said she was not shattered by the affair, as some had hinted. Unconfirmed reports said Mommy Reagan, as she still prefers to be called, was either shopping for a place setting at Nordstrom for her new beau Tony Blair or pursuing her court case to bar streeet magician David Blair from revealing her age. 

Many Americans are still in denial about Reagan's assassination by film buff John Hinckley in 1981 and refuse to believe that the silly and forgetful stand-in that served as national figurehead for the old geezer's two terms was actually a modified porpoise named Flipper Kagemusha created by the CIA with considerable assistance from the Actor's Guild and Industrial Light and Magic. 

By 1990, Reagan's brain had begun to deteriorate from the massive doses of steroids necessary to create the illusion that a human still inhabited his bumbling body, and plans were set in motion to lose one for the Flipper. 

Two years ago, when Keiko Cavanaugh was being transferred from a pen at the Oregon Coast Aquarium to a minimum security prison at a desolate fjord in the North Sea, then Acting Secretary of the Air Force F. Whitten Peters helped smuggle the former president aboard the C-17 Globemaster III aircraft from the 15th Airlift Squadron, Charleston Air Force Base, S.C. that delivered Keiko to Westman Island, Iceland. 

The romance between Keiko and Flipper was uneventful as the two marine mammals shared blissful meals together under the watchful eyes of their captors. 

Now Keiko is under 24-hour a day suicide watch as officials ponder what to do if Flipper doesn't recover from his wounds. 

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