Pataphysics Is The Science of Imaginary Solutions

Imagine this. And then tell me how much of the story is fake news. Consider also that this fake story is nearly two decades old.

Community Police State Welcomes Mobile Command Post

by Charles “Cookie” Guevara 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 4, 2001 04:57PM 

PORTLAND (YUYNE1) — Community policing has a long and ludicrous history in this dying Wintel town nestled in the toxic armpit of the Pacific Northwest. Since the late seventies, when former Chief Ron Still dared officers to stem the tide of rising marijuana use by tossing dead possums in front of black-owned restaurants, Portlanders have prided themselves in maintaining a jackbooted no-nonsense institution that has… 

  • Choked a Good Samaritan to death and then rallied to defend the cops who were nearly charged in the killing by selling tee shirts that read: “Don't Choke'em; Smoke'em…” 
  • Collaterally damaged a teenage hostage as part of a highly successful apprehension that also permanently relocated the suspect to an unknown zip code… 
  • “Kosovo'd” a deranged woman in a supermarket who threatened to attack a SWAT team with two cans of cream of mushroom soup… 
  • Sent letters to crime victims in predominantly African neighborhoods recommending that they hire private security guards… 
  • Suggested that jaywalking be reclassified a felony because it indicates little respect for authority and faulty thought processes on the part of the perpetrator…

It also recently purchased a mobile command center at a cost of nearly $400 thousand to help community brown shirts set up sting operations involving decoy jaywalkers who will lure thought-criminals out into the open where SWAT members can apprehend them with extreme prejudice. 

The command center is called Dare Force 1 and features a galley, a satellite link to NSA surveillance drones in sub-orbital space, sleeping quarters for ten, a game room, and an indoor swimming pool to help cops on stakeout duty unwind. 

Armor plated and nearly self-sufficient, DF-1 has its own guidance system and can direct missile strikes at hostile targets more than 200 miles away. Witnesses at the unveiling by the Chief “Easy” Mark Kroeker and Mayor Vera “Big Nurse” Katz were impressed by its impregnability and killing efficiency. As one wag commented, “It's a regular Rolling Thunder dog and pony show for the New World Order.” 

The 85-foot long vehicle is powered by two 450 hp diesel engines that burn about 250 gallons of fuel an hour, which appears to be the only downside to DF-1. The remotely guided modified doublewide RV has seven independent fuel tanks with a combined capacity of 375 gallons, or roughly 90 minutes of operating time. The chief promises this limitation will be corrected when the city takes delivery next week on a matching refueling convoy purchased from Saudi Arabia on e-Bay for $138 million. 

In recent months, the Portland Police department has acquired two tactical nuclear warheads, several stealth bombers, and an additional WWII vintage submarine. All these purchases have been funded by federal block grants personally approved by President Goober W. Bush. 
© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.

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