Seems Anticlimatic With A Little Moron in the White House

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Top Unreported Story Of 2000: World  Ends

A. J. Liebling, Communications Lead
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
June 24, 2001 01:31 PM

STOCKHOLM (YU) - Apparently the New Millennium had more impact upon human history than originally thought. While the worldwide media focused on celebrations, wars, mass suicides, voter fraud, mad Dow disease, children trapped in sewer pipes, and bioengineering, the world ended at ten minutes past three on the morning of February 9, 2000 when a motorcyclist collided with a Hummer in Botswana. 

While details are still sketchy, it is now believed that when a passenger in the Hummer used the speed dial on her cell phone to call triple-A for assistance she inadvertently made our existence known to an extremely angry God heretofore unheard of in our primitive theologies.

Other stories that were ignored, missed, or otherwise distorted by major news outlets included:

  • Most illegal drugs are beneficial to human health when used to excess. 
  • Some fugitive drug abusers have become immortal.  
  • AIDS now infects 40% of the world population and remains an incurable disease. Approximately 3% of the population is completely immune to the virus, and the human genome project is attempting to identify that segment so it can be farmed to produce vaccine.
  • The health of amphibians is a reliable gauge of the condition of an ecosystem. In North America, frogs that haven't mutated into blood-sucking slugs are fast becoming extinct.
  • Cynics live happier lives than optimists and are seldom disappointed by election results.
  • Voters are more apt to contract pancreatic cancer, which is almost always fatal.
  • Democrats are as likely to be racist assholes as Republicans, particularly when they call themselves liberals.
  • The last remnants of the Silent Majority now reside in the Third World where they pursue lives of quiet desperation.
  • The surgically altered porpoise that replaced Ronald Reagan following his assassination by John Hinckley in 1981 now provides oral gratification to Kelko the Killer Whale, as part of a plea agreement to assure his place in history won't be marred by reality.

While many critics disagree on the importance of most of the negative news items, they were nearly unanimous in their embarrassment at having missed the end of the world.

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