Sometimes You Can’t Beat The Rap

“Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Wisdom is not truth.
Truth is not beauty.
Beauty is not love.
Love is not music.
Music is THE BEST.”

Frank Zappa, Joe’s Garage

Mars Joins Eminem Suit Over IPod Commercial

Hiram Walker
Rule of Law Consulting 
Pataphysical Potatohead Mummery Sunshine

HOLLYWOOD (PPMS) - In a move sure to exacerbate tensions between Earth and the Tertian Solar Federation, Planet Mars— makers of M&M candies and undisputed leader of the free universe — has thrown its support behind rap artist Eminem in his $10 zillion lawsuit over the unauthorized use of his song, "Jews Y’Ownself Nigger," in an iPod commercial.

The Martian decision to weigh in on Eminem’s side was not entirely unexpected in light of the recent agreement between the sugar-free pop papster and the supreme player in the sweet science of diabetic inducement that allows the 8 Mile star to keep his stage name while relinquishing all rights to Marshall Mathers which will be used by Mars to market a soft dark chocolate that will be bundled with Levi jeans and Converse sneakers in a unique co-marketing campaign to be unveiled at next year’s Superbowl half-time show.

The arrangement represents a severe blow to the All Earth Alliance formed by Apple Computer Inc., MTV's parent company Viacom and the advertising agency Banana/Chia/Pet/Dago who were sued over the use of Eminem’s song in a commercial for Apple's iPod music player and iTunes music service.

A skateboarding spokeslawyer for the Detroit-based hip-hop artiste, 53, said his client would seek more than $10 zillion in damages for loss of face and being dissed by The Man. The TV ad featured a spastic 10-year-old boy mocking the Oscar-winning theme song to the rapper's movie 8 Mile by simulating the lyrics through clever use of flatulence. The ad appeared at least twice on Malcolm in the Middle during a three-month period beginning in July 2003, on Apple's Web site, and was used as part of the coalition of the chillin reeducation and interrogation program at Baghdad’s Abu Graibhass prison.

On Monday, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Koch ruled that she would allow Mars to join the suit, but she refused to grant an injunction which would have blocked the continued use of the video in the president’s reelection campaign war on terror.

Herschel Ishmael Fink, a Detroit lawyer for the defendants, said no sane viewer would think Eminem was endorsing the iTunes service because a handicapped child stumbled through the lyrics in valiant failed attempt to be likable. "I mean like whuzzup with that noise? Are you tanken?

"Just the words and lyrics can't give rise to an endorsement claim that Eminem endorsed Apple's iPod or iTunes where his likeness was not used," Fink told PMS.

Lord Howard Hertz, a lawyer for Eminem and his music publisher, My Ass In Your Face, told Uncommon Sense that he was pleased Mars had "stepped up to the plate to do the right thing," and that his client has never endorsed any product on Earth because he’s an advanced scout for an alien race.

When asked to clarify his comment about his client's questionable heritage, Hertz produced a modified iPod, vaporizing a roomful of journalists and two visiting U.N. weapons inspectors.

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