Take Me Out To The Triage

Amazing how easy it is to mash up fake news. Apparently there never has been any really news.

Ball Game Postponed By Ebola Outbreak

by Albert E. "Randy” Neuman
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic 
July 19, 2001 03:23 PM

BALTIMORE (YU) ‑ For the first time since the Civil War, a twi-nite doubleheader was cancelled in this city noted for cheap hotels, Frank Zappa concerts, and poor planning because of a train wreck near Camden Yards. This marks the second time in as many days that a much‑anticipated match‑up between the Orioles and the Texas Rangers formerly owned by President Goober W. Bush has been postponed because of death and destruction.

Early Wednesday, a military freight train carrying toxic waste, nerve gas, hydrochloric acid, and an assortment of biological warfare systems unexpectedly exploded while transportation safety officials were frantically attempting to remove a pile of dummies, originally believed to be the president and several of his close personal friends, from the tracks.

Intense heat from the burning train has kept firefighters from entering the tunnel to begin removal of the hazardous materials, which were bound for disposal in Iraqi no‑fly zones. Authorities have dismissed numerous claims by Islamic terrorist organizations that have taken credit for the disaster, saying that misguided Boy Scouts apparently tossed the dummies from an overpass, and the initial explosion was caused by an overheated dongle attached to a Dell laptop.

"We been told some of them cars is glowing," panic‑stricken spokesman Retardo Montalban said. "I mean like glowing metal, man. I guess it's like Hell down there, maybe 10,000 or 15,000 degrees."

Businesses and offices for several square miles around the tunnel were evacuated briefly when it was discovered that two canisters containing a particularly virulent form of the Marlboro virus apparently burst from the heat. No homes were evacuated, but health officials warned people living within 1,500 miles of the hot zone to stay inside, wrap themselves in tarps, keep their windows closed, turn off all ventilation systems, and refrain from unnecessary breathing.

Marlboro is an unfortunate corruption of the code name for a hemorrhagic virus developed by the CIA on orders from then director George El Stupido Bush, the current president's father. Although the elder Bush told his biographer that he chose the code name himself while listening to Nat King Cole singing "The Duke of Earl" on American Bandstand, most scholars believe no Bush in recent history has been able to pronounce Marburg correctly. To back up their arguments, they note that Gene Chandler recorded "The Duke of Earl.” Marburg was the site of the first successful European deployment of the virus.

Marburg is believed to be a near‑perfect biological weapon, because it has no known cure. Victims die within three days of infection, and the virus usually bums out within two to three weeks when all potential hosts have been expired, making it possible for multi‑national corporations to move in quickly following an pacification operation and resume production of knickknacks and other profitable gewgaws for export to America’s thriving junk industry. The Marburg virus has been deployed successfully in the Middle East and Africa in recent years, after the highly successful testing at Jonestown in the late 1970s. 

More than 100,000 National Guard troops from as far away as Roanoke helped battle the Baltimore blaze, and several thousand body bags were removed for incineration by early morning.

The fire caused major Internet disruptions around the world and appears now to be the only thing responsible for stopping the spread of the Red Code virus that infected White House computers early Thursday. Some geopolitical observors believe the Red Code virus was designed to trick the president into launching "a pre‑eminem nukular strike," as Goober likes to call it, against the former Soviet Union.

A water‑main break caused by enormous explosions following a second derailment knocked out power and collapsed massive sections of Guy Lombardo Street, a major downtown thoroughfare.

Baltimore Gas & Electric said between 6 and 120,000 customers died when a substation overloaded sending millions of volts through the slick city streets. However, service had been restored by late Thursday to all but two office buildings, and industry was humming again and back to normal.

Robert Goulet, a spokesman for KSX Transportation Inc., said that the more than eighty weapons and hazardous material trains that travel through the city each day would have to be rerouted or rescheduled, but he could not say where or when, citing national security concerns.

Amtrak service was not affected because Amtrak uses other tracks, and season ticket holders for the Orioles were reportedly being given free tickets to games as far away as Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and Atlanta.

©  Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.



©1946-2017 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates, in conjunction with The Portland Physical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat and The Church of the Oven of Peace.
Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Problems Since 1896. Accept No Substitutes.