Thank God Threats and Intimidation Are Ancient History

How soon everyone forgets about Darth Cheney, Rumsfart, Asscough, Condomsqueezer, and the rest of the First Idiot’s go-to crew.

Saturday, July 21, 2001 

Cheney Threatens YU Commentator

WASHINGTON (YU) – Refusing to respond to reports that he was meeting with Rep. Harry Condom (D—CA) as Washington intern Shandling Garvey logged off her laptop computer and tried desperately to escape the nation's capitol, Vice President Lon Cheney fired several warning shots over the heads of cowering journalists during a tee-ball game on the White House south lawn this morning. L. H. Oswald, an organic gardening columnist with Yossarian Universal News Service was slightly injured by broken glass. 

Garvey was last seen on April 30. Her disappearance, under investigation as a identity theft case, has drawn international media attention because it combines sex, a female intern, and a Democrat. Many journalist admit they would stop covering the case if a story came along that involved sex, young boys, and a Republican or Christian Evangelist. 

The investigation into the disappearance of Garvey is now entering its thirteenth week with Congress debating whether to pass an emergency appropriations bill to continue funding for the search, which has now cost more than the Gross National Product of Ecuador. Senator Orrin Hatch favors borrowing from the Social Security trust fund to help pay for incidental expenses associated with the case. 

Although anarchists, environmentalists, and liberal Democrats have been working feverishly to tie Cheney to the murder of the intern, no one has found her body, and there have been several unconfirmed sightings of Garvey in Jerusalem where she is rumored to be pregnant and preparing for birth of the Antichrist this fall or early winter. Garvey was recently made an honorary captain in the Israeli Coast Guard.

Washington police continue to claim that Condom is not a suspect in Garvey's disappearance, although he has repeatedly lied about his involvement with the horny young woman who told anyone who would listen that she dreamed only of having his baby. 

Meanwhile, Cheney's involvement in the intern's disappearance is unclear, and the vice president has repeatedly discharged firearms in the direction of journalists who suggest the fuel baron offered to take care of Condom's “little problem” in exchange for his vote on a bill to open the Alaskan wilderness to oil exploration. 

When asked if the vice president was involved in freeing him from the embarrassing relationship he did not have with that young woman, Condom would only say that he was not prepared to comment. 

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