The Bird Is The Word

Shooting the bird and shooting the moon are not the same thing, right?

Scientists Happy As Hell Studying Finches

Audie McMurphy Bunn 
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 8, 2001 01:10PM 

BILLINGS, (YU) – Scientists at the University of the Lesser Antilles at Phoenix are watching old film clips for clues to the whereabouts of descendents of Academy-Award winning actor Peter Finch as they look for ways to restore hearing to an endangered breed of Bengalese birds who are the latest victims in the continuing violence between Indian Crips and Bangladeshi Bloods. 

Researchers at the ULAP's Virgil Blodgett Aviary Hearing Research Center have tracked down more than 1,250 offspring of the volatile British actor who was killed by joyous crewmembers during the wrap-up party for Paddy “Cakes” Chayevsky's film noir classic “Network.” Finch's vocal histrionics are credited with spawning numerous rules against noise in the work place. 

Ironically, Finch himself, as well as 30% of the offspring thus far examined, had a brain equal in mass to the mellifluous Bengalese flitters, a fact that led some researchers to extensive DNA testing, which revealed the tiny chartreuse and taupe ochre song bird and the booming megalomaniac came from the same gene pool, located in the suburbs south of Purnrah, 800 miles northwest of Ho Chi Minh City. 

Determining how the overbearing British actor and his kin maintained stellar hearing despite years of shouting to be heard is considered key to restoring hearing to these sweet-singing members of the fringillidae family whose dainty inner ears have been shattered by years of bombing raids and artillery fire.  

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