The Color Of Bush Induced Terror

From the error of our ways desk…

If Bush and his crew had bothered to attend to business in the form of actually paying attention to presidential daily briefings during Fubar’s initial seven month vacation, we may never have had to suffer through 9/11/2001 and the lunacy that we’ve experienced every since. Imagine if the First Idiot had actually averted Osama bin Laden’s attack by paying attention to his intelligence agencies and had not plunged the nation into the unwinnable war that continues today.

And let’s say the attacks took place anyway, what if someone in the media or the government had paused to consider exactly why the attacks occurred and who was ultimately to blame for the loss of life and property? What if Fubar W. Bush wasn’t so pissed at Saddam Hussein for embarrassing his old man in Kuwait that he had pursued a United Nations response instead of going it alone with his imaginary coalition of the willing? What if someone had pointed out that September 11th was the 28th anniversary of Augusto Pinochet's extrajudicial execution of Salvadore Allenda on orders of Raygun Ronald's administration and non-US people were still pretty pissed about it?

We’ll never know now that we have the Toxic Turd in the White House. I can’t wait until he starts picking the wars we have to start winning and then realizes that we’ve let the entire color-coded Homeland Security system drift into disrepair.

Vaterland Security System Gets Mixed Reviews

Howard Hughes
Obituary Writer 
Pataphysical Muse Service 
Wednesday, December 05, 2001 08:07:59 EST 

PHILADELPHIA (PMS) – Fatherland Uberdirektor Tom Terrific this morning announced the first successful test of a DNA-based surveillance and tracking system designed to minimize the threat of domestic terrorism. 

Less than two days after the first executions of suspected terrorists by military tribunals, the latest success in Operation Swift Sword resulted in the capture, detainment, eradication, and environmentally safe disposal of 198 of 200 test subjects in a little over an hour. The remaining subjects chose to eradicate themselves without doing collateral damage to nearby structures or personnel. 

Using recently developed genocybe weapons technology, the genoliminator terrorless weapons and tactics (G-TWAT) system reported only one glitch: the test was intended as a simulation and live ammunition was not supposed to be used. 

“On the bright side,” Terrific told an appreciative audience of press whores,  “if the subjects had posed an actual threat to the nation, they would be gone now.” 

When Ernesto Guevara Heminghaw, a freelance journalist on assignment from La Prensa, asked for the names of the victims, national security advisor Condomsqueezer Rice ordered Heminghaw removed from the briefing room and told the applauding reporters who remained that the names would not be released because they are subject to the rules of law and executive privilege, as well as to protect the privacy of surviving family members who might attempt to sue the government if they knew who they were. 

Despite the success of yesterday's test, Terrific told the nation that all flag-waving Americans should remain on ultimate invincible paramount supreme unwavering definitive final alert until instructed to stand down and fall over into the freshly dug holes behind them. 

“These are dangerous times and we must be dangerous people to confront the evil ones who would have us think otherwise,” Terrific told reporters before doing a crisp right face and marching from the podium while security advisor Rice shouted: “All rise!” 

According to unsubstantiated sources, the G-TWAT system works in conjunction with the massive NSA database on American subjects begun shortly after the last member of The Greatest Generation expired on a lonely battlefield as the result of a forgotten ideological argument between several madmen now deceased. Volunteers were chosen at random without their knowledge to assure objective measurements. 

In Sunday's test, minuscule amounts of DNA were obtained through swabs of newspaper racks, parking meter coin slots, information kiosks, library microfiche readers, university student union door handles, and straps on various public transportation vehicles. These microscopic samples were fed into a handheld computer. Then researchers issued the “eradicate” command and waited for results. 

While a few researchers were reportedly horrified when they learned that the unwitting test subjects had actually been destroyed in the process, these malcontents were quickly isolated from the more positive team members who rushed to prepare a glowing report for the Fubar administration for presentation to a nation of imbeciles. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates.   All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. September 11 changed nothing. You just got fooled again.  Leading the blind since 1896. 



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