The More Things Stay the Same

Despite liberalization of marijuana laws, our national stupidity over drug use still keeps our prison industrial complex humming along, inspiring foreign entrepreneurs to find new ways to profit from the poor and dispossessed, because that’s The American Way!

U.S. Cracks Down On Illegal Canadian Bladder Production

by Nick Dana
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
June 21, 2001 07:32PM

LUBBOCK (YU) — After nearly two decades of its disastrous War on Drugs, the DEA has once again turned its attention to the illegal urine labs beyond our borders that smuggle more than 2 billion gallons of pure piss into the country every year with a street value nearly twice President Bush's tax cut.

Domestic illegal urine production is difficult to interdict and authorities dismiss it as inferior in quality to Chilean clear kidney juice or Colombian plasmatic filter sap produced by South American peasants.

The peasants were forced into urine manufacture when their drug production was halted in the 80s by toxic herbicide spraying by their own governments with assistance from the CIA. An innovative program of kidney harvesting and reverse irrigation has nearly stemmed the tide of osmotic liquid gold.

While the coordinated effort by local law enforcement officials, pest exterminators, and welfare workers has almost dried up the supply of clean urine from the south, in recent years fugitive urine manufacturers have fled to Canada where they have flourished by perfecting processes that produce even cleaner and less detectable piss. This "pure-tee pee," as it is known in the trade, is sought by American workers who are increasingly subject to random drug testing as a condition of continued employment and who will pay up to $150 for a two-ounce supply of the amber liquid.

When I talked with a pure urine addict in Seattle earlier this week, I was stunned when he dropped his trousers at a Pike Place Starbucks to reveal an elaborate dispensing apparatus that was incorporated into his maroon briefs. This system costs nearly a week's wages but it is guaranteed to fool the most sophisticated testers by bringing the fluid to body temperature and actually dispensing it through the user's own penis.

"I  can't help myself," Bob Whitsitt (not his real name) told me, "because I love poppy seed bagels and lemon poppy bran muffins, but my lease says I have to submit to these tests, and it's a condition for my driver's license, to get a monthly bus pass, and forget about my employment situation. They even take hair samples there. That's why I shave like this," he said, ruefully, rubbing his shiny pate.

Affluent effluent addicts like Bob are the collateral damage of what some are calling a misguided moral minority's equivalent of Vietnam. As the War on Drugs enters its fourth decade and escalates on the home front, prisons fill to overflowing with failed test victims, and the traffic in illegal urine from Canada has tripled in the past six months.

"These people have no fear," said Artie Lemmer, a DEA informant and one-time NSA terrorist who is still sought in the attempted assassination of former Secretary of State Dean Rusk. "They bring it across in coolers, Thermos jugs, and old plastic milk containers. We're fighting a losing battle, man."

Meanwhile, the government recently responded to this increased illegal urine use by making it more risky to possess a pint of renal punch than a pound of cocaine, but observers say all this action has accomplished is to drive up the price of Canadian bladder punch. 

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