The Penile Penalty Is Painful

When you don’t know what you’re talking about, why keep silent? Works for the current president* and his admenstruation.

Bush To Beef Up Federal Penile System

by Kerri Atlas Shrug
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clini
July 3, 2001 06:33PM 

DALLAS (YU) – Speaking at the Tomb of the Unknown Sniper on the grassy knoll opposite the book depository where pardoned assassin Richard Milquetoast Nixon ordered the 1963 execution of suspected papist infiltrator John F. Kennedy, the nation's current top elected criminal pledged $30 billion dollars “to make our penile system the stiffest and hardest punishment a criminal ever gets to take, so much so that they feel it deep down in their guts until the day they are paroled into that cold damn cemetery where no stone is unturned and we bury our failed policies of the past.” 

Bush, who recently appointed his daddy's former vice president Dan Quayle as his Potatoe Czar, appears delighted that his proposal to launder tax dollars through religious organizations has drawn widespread opposition from groups as diverse as the Christian Coalition, the Cleveland Gay Men's Chorus, Tammy Faye Bakker's Cosmetology Club, and the San Diego Padres. 

“You all say you want diversity,” Bush told the Washington press corpse recently, “but when it rasps up to jump a bit, whatever you want, and there you have it.” 

Experts in political money-laundering believe that offering to eliminate all government aid to poor people who really need it by sponsoring day care centers in exclusionary religious institutions is a diversion by the Bush administration. 

What Bush really wants, these skeptics say, is to funnel trillions into the development of a penile system unequaled on earth since the fall of the Barcalounger Empire in the late Triassic era. 

Bush's own penis has not been spotted since a boating accident during his days as a “C” student at Yale, and rumors continue to circulate that Goober has authorized medical research at federal maximum security prisons designed to perfect organ transplants not currently covered under the Oregon Health Plan. The Oregon Health plan was specifically developed by liberal Democrats to deny medical treatment to people who have no real reason to live.  

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