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Since the mid-sixties, the staff and patients at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat (PPOCLL) have traveled this ravaged countryside from sea to sludgy sea, north and south, east and west, from the smallest bombed out hamlet of pitiable moral morons to the megalopoli of the richly ripe and wasted, all the while studying the stupidity, self-satisfaction, and wooden-headedness that has made the nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™) one of the greatest disappointments in the known universe.

This electronic equivalent of the fossil record collects some of the thankless work our ragged crew has insinuated into the incoherent conversation that some call history, a tale foisted upon losers by an army of commercially motivated oppressors.

Here you will find PPOCLL posts from the late 70s and early 80s, Yossarian Universal dispatches, selections from Ask Dr. Faustroll and Dr. Faustroll Writes the Wrongs, reporting and opinion from Uncommon Sense, sporadic forays into ZNet Interactive, along with dehumanistic observations on life and art.

For instance, here’s an item from Uncommon Sense that originally appeared in 2004 and was stored on the personal server of someone whose name you’d recognize in a second, if I could only remember it. 

Gay Islamic Zombies Join Sadr Budweiser Insurgents

Jorge Humberto Romero
Foreign Correspondent
Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament
0605152004YU123246PSTYMEYU

AN NAJAF (PMS) — Hundreds of undead revelers were shot in their heads during a belated Final Four celebration that turned violent this morning, leading to fierce fighting in and around Najaf's centuries-old Gates of Eden cemetery northwest of the shrine of Mohammed Ali, the most sacred site in Shiite pugilistic circles, said Ahmet Kheli Sadr spokesman Sheikh Yerbouti Shaboomi.

Witnesses reported some of the fiercest combat seen in Najaf since Sadr began raising the dead for his insurgency more than a month ago in response to coalition forces removing Bloom County from the local Sunday newspaper and replacing it with The Family Circus

"The Mehta Army has thousands of martyrs," Shaboomi said. "We are ready to confront any American force whatever its size, and we will eat their brains with relish or without relish. Allah says this will be so.” 

Armed men in black speedos wearing brightly colored scarves and elaborate turbans bedecked with floral arrangements were seen prancing around the crowded cemetery and digging up other graves to add to their unstoppable army of gaily boisterous cadavers as US tanks and helicopters began adding to their ranks by bombing residents unfortunate to be living in the area. 

Shooting was also heard from the southern and western entrances to the city, and hospital sources said seven people, including an Afghan pilgrim named Rooster Cockburn, had been wounded. 

Iran and Shiite Muslim leaders had warned the United States that the Iraqi holy cities of Najaf and Karbala were "red lines" not be crossed and now have vowed to begin raising the dead in the United States as well. "We will take the battle to the infidels and they will know the meaning of hunger.

But US Major General Jack Dempsey told PMS reporters that American troops came under attack from the cemetery and fired back. "We never give up the right of self-defense but we will as much as possible honor the sensitivity of the religious sites. These gay zombies though will not be tolerated," he said. 

Najaf governor Adman al-Serif told PMS late Thursday that a "US entry into the center of Najaf may be imminent" and that thousands of starving zombies are gathering to feast on coalition grey matter, despite its paucity and poor quality. A statement posted on an Islamist website attributed to Abdul Axis al-Moran, the Al-Qaeda chief in Saudi Arabia, said the Egyptian mummy network was now also helping Iraqis fighting US forces. 

Elsewhere, a US marine was killed by an exploding cream pie in Al-Tanbark province west of Baghdad, the coalition said Friday, the 778th soldier to die of pie-related causes since the liberation of Iraq in March last year. 

© Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat (a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace) provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes. Leading the blind since 1896.


©1946-2017 Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates, in conjunction with The Portland Physical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat and The Church of the Oven of Peace.
Providing Imaginary Cures For Your Imaginary Problems Since 1896. Accept No Substitutes.