Whatever happened to this guy?

Some scandals are forgettable, particularly when all the speculation turns out to be fake news.

Condom Search Finds Bodies 

John Deckard
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic
July 11, 2001 07:11 PM 

WASHINGTON (YU) – Congressman Harry Condom Sr. said through a spokesintern today that he was “as shocked as anyone in this room” when told that a body possibly belonging to missing Capitol Hill intern Shandling Garvey was discovered in plain sight on his coffee table during a routine search of his Georgetown condo on Tuesday. 

“The Congressman wishes to remind reporters that police continue to say he is not a suspect,” the unidentified source said, posing suggestively for photos. “He also wants to make it clear that he rarely uses the Georgetown residence, and he has been staying at his Watergate rooms with Bob Dole and Monica Lewinsky since May 2, 2001.” Garvey has not been seen in ten weeks. 

District of Columbia Police Chief Robert “Bo” Rankles told reporters it is too early to say if the remains belong to the missing 24-year old, or even if they belong to a single victim. “It is hell in there,” Rankles said, pulling the hood off his life support system. “The stench is over-powering. I haven't seen anything like this since the Dahmer case up in Milwaukee.” 

Emergency forensic specialists flown in by Northwest Medical Teams to sift through the grisly find have already ruled out any chance that Jimmy Hoffa or Andy Kaufman are among the nine truckloads of bones and other material removed from the posh apartment. 

Rumors abound that many of the corpses may belong to the 900 victims from Jonestown whose bodies were never claimed and were lost during the early days of the Stupid Bush administration when the storage facility was cleared to make way for a war room where Colon Bowel and Arnold Schwarzeneggerkopf showed fuzzy photographs and talked about collateral damage. 

Condom has denied from the beginning that he had anything to do with the disappearance of “that annoying young woman, Ms. Garvey, with whom I did not have sexual relations.” Friends and acquaintances of the career politician call him “an average power-hungry white American male” and say they still don't understand “what the hell he ever saw in that whiny little tart.” Other people familiar with the California stuffed shirt were not so kind. “If he didn't get rid of her,” said one, “He's sure going to a lot of trouble to make it look like he did.” 

Meanwhile, the national media continues to suggest that Condom's infidelities and sexual appetites are more important than the deepening economic recession precipitated by the installation of President Goober W. Bush by his family and friends last November. 

Most recently, the Washington Post discovered a social studies teacher from Louisville, Kentucky, who claims Condom has abducted her on several occasions and treated her as one of several dozen sex slaves he keeps in a spaceship docked at Churchill Downs. 

The entire circus was thrown yet another curve late this afternoon when Dr. Florence Blude of Johns Hopkins University announced that preliminary testing of DNA from the first samples recovered from the Georgetown crime scene belonged a close relative of the Kennewick Man. 

Representatives of eight Columbia basin tribes have left the northwest demanding the Washington investigation be suspended indefinitely, until the ownership of the remains can be positively determined. 
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