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So what do you do when some honkey artifact collector offers your ancestor’s bones for sale on eBay? Make sure your PayPal account is current?

Judge Calls For Kennewick DNA Tests 

SCAPPOOSE (YU) — Arguments in a lawsuit brought by several itinerant anthropologists seeking to convert the bones of a 9,300 year old homeless man they found into knick-knacks will resume today in this picturesque encampment near the Columbia River. Proceedings were moved here over the weekend when Portland Police accidentally destroyed the downtown core while attempting to disperse an angry band of 20 unarmed protestors, 10 of whom were killed. 

U.S. Magistrate Studs McKenzie ordered the MacDonald's on U.S. 30 closed until the trial concludes or Portland is rebuilt, whichever comes first. McKenzie says he needs time and space to “fully digest the arguments” before issuing a ruling in this frivolous case. 

On Monday, Harralambus Modestus, a barber from southest Portland, filed his own claim on the bones, claiming that the Kennewick Man, as the find has come to be called, was actually Calvin Modestus, his great-great-grandfather, 1,587 times removed on his adoptive mother's side. He asked the judge to release the corpse to the family so it could be buried in the family plot in Westmoreland. 

The self-taught scientists sued the federal government in 1996 after the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers said they were going to sell the remains to lawyers for five Columbia Basin tribes who want to display the skeleton at their casino alongside the body of Jesus Christ, the subject of an cult-favorite novel by regional writer Tom Robbins. 

McKenzie delayed the lawsuit in 1997 to spend half a year hunting and fishing in Alaska. He ordered the government to reconsider its position, but the government refused to do so. 

Forensics specialists called in to examine the find determined that there was a 97% chance that this ancient corpse was either the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, Daniel “Bones” Cooper, or the fugitive remains of People's Temple Founder Jim Jones. 

Tribal representatives countered with evidence of their own that proved the Kennewick Man was the sole titleholder of more than 2 billion acres of valuable land in the Pacific Northwest. 

The sides have been sparring ever since. 

In a related development, O. J. Simpson arrived on Sunday to question the Kennewick Man, vowing to pursue all leads to bring the killer of his late wife to justice. 

Meanwhile, Multnomah County Assistant District Attorney Norm Frink is rumored to be convening a grand jury to consider charges of inciting to riot against two of the protestors killed by police during the weekend riots in Portland. 

Frink is best known for his dogged pursuit of Tonya Harding after the ludicrous baton tap on the leg of U.S. Olympic failure Nancy Kerrigan last century. 

It was Frink who popularized the new American ideal in jurisprudence, which says: “Everyone is innocent until they're charged,” managing to slaughter logic, fairness, and the English language in a single breath. 

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896 

Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2001

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